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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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It's Friday afternoon. Poets day, and that.
In honour, write a short poem about how you feel today.
I'll start:

I've had enough
Of colds and stuff.
My snotty nose,
So red it glows,
And my hacking cough
Can fuck right off.
Come join my thread
Cause soon I'll be dead.

Alt: It's May on Tuesday. We're a third of the way through the year. How's it treating you so far?
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:10, Reply)
Apparently people outside the office were cheering and laughing as he threw computers out of the window
Typical brits.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:13, Reply)
If you want you can read this reply as "fuck poetry, it's for gays"

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:14, Reply)
cheers, thats what i hoped

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:15, Reply)
Which one are you? I made the mistake of clicking both profiles
now you're both purple namers :(
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:16, Reply)
i'm the real one, my profile has my links in it

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:17, Reply)
i prefer the new one.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:23, Reply)
oh you massive cunt

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:28, Reply)
New quentin would never say that to me.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:41, Reply)
if you like him so much
why don't you marry him?
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:44, Reply)
Because I'm married to BBC News links.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:47, Reply)
so your seeing him on the side?
is that how it is, you whore?
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:52, Reply)
Don't h8 the playa h8 the game.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:01, Reply)
Yayayyy!

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:45, Reply)
:((

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:47, Reply)
What?
What have I missed?
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:14, Reply)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-17869815
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:16, Reply)
oh hes been arrested and no one was hurt

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:24, Reply)
How boring.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:25, Reply)
its like a lethal weapon 4 larp event.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:38, Reply)
Afternoon b3th
My Top Tips doc
is starting to rock
The amount of email
is cause slight brain fail
The coffee is ready for me to sip
How about sending a pic of a nip?
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:15, Reply)
hmmmm
Statistics inform us
Scottish nips are enormous
I'm told you can see them from Space.
If a nipple erection
Points in your direction
You can see it all up in your face.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:24, Reply)
hahaha!
Excellent!
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:28, Reply)
If only I could POE
This day is too long
I want to be gone
or better instead
home, tucked up in bed
They keep making me work
instead of shirk
it's friday you fools
a day to down tools
and go to the pub
So i'll join the club
making really bad verse
because working's worse
I wish I could stop
this poem is plop
but I can't think of an ending
it's really mind-bending
oh fuck it I don't care
if this bit don't rhyme
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:18, Reply)
How is your shoulder healing?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:19, Reply)
It's really not bad
but still aches a tad
I'm not back on my bike
and this I dont like.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:20, Reply)

This makes me sad
for you my young lad
All will be good soon
To ride like a loon
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:24, Reply)
thats the shittest thing i ever read here, and once i read a whole A Vagabond story to the end to see if there was a punchline

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:27, Reply)
Really?
The shittest?

Have you read this?

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1602362
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:29, Reply)
recursivelols

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:31, Reply)
yes, i wrote it
durrr
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:31, Reply)
Effort = A
Attainment = C
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:28, Reply)
i've never writ a poom before, so here goes
EVERYTHING'S FUCKING HUNKY DOREY
LIFE IS FUCKING GRAND
I PAID MYSELF A TAX YEAR BONUS
AND NOW I'M OFF TO BLOW IT ALL ON HOOKERS AND COKE

fuck you
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:21, Reply)
Qinten, you clot
you don't rhyme a lot
you're poem is shite
this is really not right.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:23, Reply)
its post modern, it doesn't have to rhyme

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:26, Reply)

joy progressively stunted
by managers blunted
i feel quite affronted
it's time to get CUNTED

alt: it's ridden me hard and putme away wet, like a jockey raping a midget in monsoon season. thankfully summer is coming and there's enough in the kitty for some absolutely top-hole brainwalloping at sundry festivals. plus i live by the beach.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:21, Reply)
: D

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:27, Reply)

My back trouble woe
leads to beer run though
this isn't a prob
I'll just drink like a knob
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:27, Reply)
why change the habit of a lifetime?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:28, Reply)
I'd prefer to change the spine of a lifetime

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:29, Reply)
A poem
Roses are red
Some fuschias are also red
I'm not very good at poetry
Crankshaft
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:29, Reply)
haha

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:30, Reply)
Poetry you say?
Ooh, now let's get down tonight
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for me
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:30, Reply)
And now I have an earworm.
Still, it could be worse. At least I like Marvin Gaye.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:32, Reply)
I heard that too
On the grapevine
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:34, Reply)
second line + glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:34, Reply)
It must be glove, glove, glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:35, Reply)
Glove is in the air

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:38, Reply)
Glove is all around me
and so the feeling grows
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:39, Reply)
A deeper glove.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:41, Reply)
We've found glove in a hopeless place

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:42, Reply)
Fight, fight, fight fight
Fight for this glove
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:42, Reply)
She's so glovely.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:43, Reply)
Bleeding glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:44, Reply)
The Power of Glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:45, Reply)
Tainted glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:46, Reply)
Glove on the Rocks.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:46, Reply)
I would do anything for glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:45, Reply)
but I won't do that.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:46, Reply)
Everlasting Glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:48, Reply)
Nothings gonna change my glove for you

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:45, Reply)
Easy Glover.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:47, Reply)
I Feel Glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:48, Reply)
Gloveshack.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:50, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfnu0nb4PUI
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:51, Reply)
WTF!?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:52, Reply)
What do you mean WHAT THE FUCK?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:53, Reply)
Saving all my glove for you

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:56, Reply)
Glove Is A Many Splendered Thing

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:02, Reply)
Epilepsy time!

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:58, Reply)
Glove and Pride

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:53, Reply)
As performed by ba-KING

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:57, Reply)
Too Much Glove Will Kill You.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:00, Reply)
I'm Not In Glove

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:00, Reply)
You Give Glove A Bad Name.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:03, Reply)
I declare this one to be the winner.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:06, Reply)

Ha ha this-a-way, ha ha that-a-way, ha ha this-a-way, my oh my
Ha ha this-a-way, ha ha that-a-way, ha ha this-a-way, my oh my
Ostagazuzulum, that was the magic word
Ostagazuzulum, my oh my
He can do magic, magic, magic!
Magic a rabbit, eight feet high
Ha ha this-a-way, ha ha that-a-way, ha ha this-a-way, my oh my
Ha ha this-a-way, ha ha that-a-way, ha ha this-a-way, my oh my
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:32, Reply)
Wizbit?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:35, Reply)
Indeed.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:36, Reply)
you utter shit
I hate you a bit
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:40, Reply)
That's a bit harsh.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:42, Reply)
so is fucking wizzbit
you dog-fucking shit
I hated that show,
just so you know
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:48, Reply)
don't mince around on here
be a real man

put some insults on his fb pics.

he's not on fb, so HE'LL NEVER KNOW.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:04, Reply)
you still haven't linked me up to that facebook album, dearest.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:06, Reply)
i am still waiting to finish it off - i have about 10 on my bb but it is being a cunt and refusing to email them so i can upload them
i haven't forgotten you. i never will!
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:10, Reply)

I'll tell you what
he hates you a lot.
He said at the bash
that he loathes your moustache.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:43, Reply)
That Bristolian cad!
It's really not bad
I think he's just sad
that his mother, I've had.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:52, Reply)

You terrible boor
His mother's no whore
I'm afraid that your bubble I'll burst.
When you're up to your nuts
in Bristolian guts
Don't forget that young Jeff had her first.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:04, Reply)
She's known as a whore
The queue at her door
goes half 'round the block
for she loves the cock
I avoided her clunge
for fear of the gunge
that drips down her theigh
so I spunked in her eye
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:22, Reply)
the Rain in Spain
stays Mainly in FRONT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE, MAKE IT STOP RAINING PLEASE? i'm so bored with being grey and wet.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:33, Reply)
It has stopped ooop north now
Hurrah
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:35, Reply)
If it is any consolation
Up here in the frozen wastelands of Cumbria, it is lovely and sunny
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:35, Reply)
I don't know, is it? Any consolation?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:38, Reply)
It's also lovely in Edinburgh
if a touch nippy for my tastes.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:40, Reply)
Mmmm touching nipples

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:45, Reply)
You disguise your grey hair very well.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:37, Reply)
haha, cos your old and got a soggy fanny
haha
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:37, Reply)
I've been grey and wet for years.
Never bothered me.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:37, Reply)
Grey I hate.
But I love wet.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:38, Reply)
(shudder)

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:38, Reply)
You love it, you slag.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:39, Reply)
it was nasty

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:43, Reply)
To a daughter
The day I knew we both were growing old
Was when she took my arm and not my hand
First shyly, but with each step growing bold
As if she wanted me to understand
That she was no longer to be led
But that I would do to lean on, until she learned to fly
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:43, Reply)
you know what rhymes well with led? bed
you want to lead your daughter to bed you sick fuck
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:45, Reply)
It's better that Quentin than him messing up his dog or something like that

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:48, Reply)
Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:03, Reply)
i've never writ a poom before, so here goes
EVERYTHING'S FUCKING HUNKY DOREY
LIFE IS FUCKING GRAND
I PAID MYSELF A TAX YEAR BONUS
AND NOW I'M OFF TO BLOW IT ALL ON HOOKERS AND COKE

fuck you
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:46, Reply)
QUINTEN!!

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:46, Reply)
QUINTEN!

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:47, Reply)
yes?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:52, Reply)
roses are red
violets are blue
quentin's a schizo
and so's the other quentin
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:50, Reply)

roses are red
violets are blue
quentin's a schizo
And now there are two!
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:52, Reply)
Tricky's off this week, its so peaceful

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:53, Reply)
haha
yours was much better
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:03, Reply)

schizo tedious cuntwipe.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:05, Reply)
:(

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:08, Reply)
HAAAAAAAAAA

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:10, Reply)
Oh come sweet Five thirty!
So I may traipse off home
instead of penning a dirty
'I fucked Jeff's mummy' pome

For far I long to wander
from this air-conditioned hell
Myth Busters, mayhap, to ponder
put my feet up for a spell

At home, perhaps, is lovely beer
and maybe fish and chips
While here, alas, it is so drear
just tea I drink in sips

At least a minute I can waste
In writing awful verse
with rhyme-scheme bad and lacking taste
and scansion getting worse
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:35, Reply)
What's with all this Jeff hate?
*sobs*
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:37, Reply)
You pooch-pounding loon
Don't be a buffoon
you mum I've not had
no need to be sad

I'm just mucking about
let there be no doubt
We remain bestest friends
I hope any enmity ends.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:43, Reply)
You stood on a bridge at midnight
Your legs, they started to quiver.
You gave a cough,
Your 'tache fell off,
And floated down the river.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:47, Reply)
There was a young man called "Jeff"
What Roota would call a meff
quite quick with a pun
which wasn't much fun
it quite made you wish you were deaf.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:51, Reply)
Do you read with your ears?

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:52, Reply)
...and sing everything you see

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:54, Reply)
Not much rhymes with your name
for poetry this is a shame
But I do my best
as all can attest
Can anyone else say the same?
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:56, Reply)
My favourite poster is Quent
Though some consider him bent
/offtopic he saves
when he rant and he raves
from heaven I think he was sent.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:54, Reply)
FUCK
you
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:58, Reply)
Hey I was just being nice
I could have implied you had lice
I'm you number one fan
and I hope that you can
thaw your heart though it's made of ice
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:02, Reply)
today I have viewed three flats
Sadly, the first two sucked.
I put in an offer on the third
If that's lost I'm truly fucked.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:54, Reply)
Poor lighty you just have no luck
but chin up old matey, old chuck
a flat you will find
to park your behind
and in it young ladies you'll fuck.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:58, Reply)
Fuck you bunch of pricks I'm going to the pub in the rain.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 16:57, Reply)
Chompy is off to the pub
On young ladies his genitals to rub
although charming and witty
His luck will be shitty
for his penis is only a nub
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:06, Reply)

The jungle of fungal between your toes,
The mines of gold within your nose,
The amount of dirt beneath your nails,
Your sex appeal always fails,
The amount of scabs upon your knees,
You like to pick them as you please,
The oozing pimples that cover your face,
You are a disgrace to the human race.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:07, Reply)
It seems everyone has gone home
Leaving me here all alone
writing Limericks poor
can't get out the door
or to get fired i'd be prone
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:17, Reply)
I vote Captain Placids the worst poem here and probably ever in the world
The rest of you put up a good fight though
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:20, Reply)
Poor Rory you soul is devoid
of poetry, so you'd best avoid
Sniping at others
and insulting their mothers
you'd have been a blessing to Freud
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:25, Reply)
the time
as the time approaches
when no work encroaches
we head for the coaches
like swarms of cockroaches
ignoring our manager's reproaches

i am the fuck out of here.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:21, Reply)
my friend got tickets to take me to see MY FOOTBALL TEAM PLAY IN DC
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:22, Reply)
My day was somewhat brightened
By a loose connection, tightened
I ascertained the facts
And obtained many stacks
Of data about bacterial kills
From a lass from Pendle Hill.
I think it was quite impressive
That my talk was not digressive
Because if I'm honest I've got quite a crush on her, and I've given up trying to put this into poetic language after four attempts. I'm off down the pub.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:28, Reply)
i totally clicked

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:31, Reply)
Oh man, I just come back from an interview that eaither was amazingly good or horrendously bad.
But I super loved the idea of working with them. Proper big-league stuff, and the interview was in a pub 'cus the meeting room was in use.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:31, Reply)
He asked me what I would do with NFC technology (oyster cards), I think it was to see if I knew what it was.
And I was so like "FUCK YEAH, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS, HE IS GOING TO BE IMPRESSED, QUICK, COME UP WITH AN IDEA" in my head... so I told him I would digitalise the High Five and Fist Bumps, and how I wasn't sure how to monitise it, he then said "I don't know how [car company, a client] would use it" so I said how about having using it to put their exact settings in, like mirrors/seats/temprature/music etc.

And then I came up with the following that I emailed them on the train home.

----------------

The first one is digitalising the Autograph Hunter industry, giving various famous people cards (or phone apps) that allows for them to 'sign' someone else's 'book', with attaching a possible custom message, photo, location or even voice recording. You can double this up into a buisness model in the same respect how it currently sometimes works, but also for allowing discounts by attaching the location. "Get Katie Price's e-Autograph & get 50% off your first drink at [nightclub]". She'll be the only individual with this card, can't be given to a team of people, or it would ruin it. A user could 'sale' or 'give' it away, but they would no longer own a copy.

The second one, which is an extension of the first, is book signing in the digital age. Allowing for someone to 'sign' a digital copy of a book, attached to their iBook/Amazon/whatever account, again, they can give or sale it, but using DRM, they couldn't then keep it. Could do the same for music albums too
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 18:00, Reply)

My day piled on shit by the load
until my temper, I'm afraid that it showed
so with quite some aplomb
I fashioned a bomb
and held seige to Tottenham Court Road
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:32, Reply)
Screw you guys I'm going home
Quoth Cartman in that epic tome
Now him I can copy
No need to get stroppy
and quit this rhyming symdrome
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 17:35, Reply)
afternoon quenders
Blah blah something about hip hop, modelling, Paul Smith shoots, Pat Bateman, something else about suaveness.

Help me out here.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 18:11, Reply)
you missed 'average' height

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 18:31, Reply)
you missed shitting off.

(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 18:48, Reply)
Putting this here so as not to break a current thread
The Big Mountain

There is a mountain
In the sky
That looks down upon
You and I
Or maybe its just
Really high

If you were up there
In the clouds
You would have to shout
Really loud
Because that mountainís
Really big
Really, really,
Really big

Imagine something
Really big
Not little
Like a baby pig
No something
That is bigger
I better not
Hear you snigger



Its bigger than
The biggest thing
You will have heard
A craggy singÖ about
Its bigger than
A pint of beer
So big it will
Make you fear

Do you have
A fear of heights?
Even when you
Fly a kite?
Then donít climb
Up this hill
Its really big
And will make you ill

If you climb
Then you will vom
Upchuck and puke
With much aplomb
Hurl your guts
Throw up your lunch
Or regurgitate
Your tasty brunch






This mountainís big
Let me remind you
Bigger even
Than chieftainís poo
So big that time
And space it warps
With plenty of space
For your lifeless corpse

The path is littered
With many rocks
And mud to get
Inside your socks
Youíll follow it
For a big distance
Look up, and cry
And fill your pants

The mountain is
So very big
That big tree looks
Like a little twig
Its big, so big
As big can be
You look up and
Feel like a flea






The mountain probably
Is the biggest
Its odd that we
Can coexist
Itís big and high up
In the cloud
It makes me want
To swear out loud

Its bigness will
Astound you all
It makes other mountains
Look so small
Its so big
You canít see the top
Its covered in cloud
And snows non-stop

You should know by now
It is the biggest
About its bigness
We canít be modest
Such great bigness
Knows no bounds
And casts big shadows
Onto the ground






This mountain is big
There is non bigger
Its cold, so a hat
Is Ďde rigueurí
If you were to climb
To its big summit
Donít trip and fall
Or you will plummet

Though I am such
A great songsmith
I could never describe
The mountainís zenith
So big it is
And steep its slopes
To describe such bigness
I have no hopes

Because that mountain
Is really big
Really, really
Really big
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 20:49, Reply)

Ode to the Haggis

I do not think
I will ever see
A haggis
As round as thee
Your tasty,
tasty insides
Please my taste buds. And my eyes
Are pleased to look
Upon you
As you start to cook

You three legs move
Around, around
And make a dent
Upon the ground
Many people
Do you flummox
With your skin
Of grey sheepís stomach

The mystery
Of haggis life
Has filled us all
With worry and strife
Tell us why
It is so
You run when I have
My shiny crossbow

I merely want
To consume your flesh
So you and I
Together mesh
Together forever
We are both blest in
Happiness, till you reach
My lower intestine

From there expelled
A new brown journey
Before I enter
In the tourney
Although Iíll miss you
When gone from my bowel
Your stench will linger
Long and foul.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 20:57, Reply)

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