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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
Pages: Latest, 836, 835, 834, 833, 832, ... 1

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Yes, I know it's Monday
which is crap, but let's have a chat thread anyway.



How is everyone after the weekend?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 8:51, 218 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
@Hey K
I'm fine thanks.
Bit tired, but otherwise good.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 8:54, Reply)
Morning Boss K
I am also a bit knackered. I have come in to work for a rest.

And the free, fast net access.

Oh, and the salary of course. Which is always handy.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 8:57, Reply)
I am currently drip-feeding caffeine
and have a shiny new nicotine patch on my arm.
And I didn't bring any fags with me. I'm frightened, quite frankly.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:00, Reply)
Fortunately for me
I have never smoked nor drunk coffee, so have never developed addictions to caffeine or nicotine.

That said, I may have to break out the Red Bull to wake me up a bit!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:10, Reply)
No!
Red Bull is evil and wrong.
You must wean yourself from this vile concoction.
*coffee spasm*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:19, Reply)
Drink Irn Bru instead!
It's much, much better for you. And will keep you going for the morning.

It's Monday, and I'm off today. But I have the dentists soon.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:26, Reply)
@PoD
The dentist trip wouldn't be Irn Bru related?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:28, Reply)
Red Bull
is indeed evil.

But very occasional consumption does the trick.

*slurps*

I do normally drink Irn Bru though, and have a six pack of 1.5l bottles in my office at the moment!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:28, Reply)
No, it isn't BK
It's just a routine visit as I haven't been in a while.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:31, Reply)
Just wondered
I love Irn Bru for it's hangover alleviation quality but it doesn't half hurt my teeth!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:34, Reply)
Irn Bru
is great stuff. I usually drink the diet stuff though, as I find the ordinary stuff too sweet. Unless it's for curing hangovers, when the sugar is required.

It's a fine line between the risks involved between sugar rotting my teeth and the aspartame killing me with the cancers.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:40, Reply)
Morning Kaol, ancrenne
Is it coincidental you've both arrived simultaneously?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:45, Reply)
How old do you feel?
I normally feel about 80 in the mornings.

In other news, my brother has gone on holiday for a week, so I'm borrowing his car, woo!

EDIT: Simultaineous arrival is, on this occasion a coincidence. I was half an hour late, due to the previously mentioned car.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:45, Reply)
*feels you*
That's surprisingly pert for a 700-year-old...
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:51, Reply)
Wouldn't be the first time :p
Not that I'm complaining...
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:53, Reply)
*coughs*
Er, excuse me you two. There are others present.

*pretends to be offended*

*watches voyeuristically*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 9:57, Reply)
Morning
Kaol and ancrenne!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:06, Reply)
@ancrenne
Tired!
But otherwise good, yourslef?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:10, Reply)
Not a problem ancrenne
You are wearing quite well for a 700 year old though!

*hides binoculars*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:13, Reply)
Morning!
After the weekend, I feel broken, battered and beaten up. Agewise, that's about 77.

Why? I took on the garden. In an epic battle of wits, I came out on top. And that's only because I had a strimmer. The colony of ants living under my patio had a damn good go at me too.

Happy Monday!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:14, Reply)
It most certainly is!
And we have a robin living in the shed. So I can't go in it any more.

The downside of having a nicely trimmed lawn is that I sat out in it all afternoon yesterday, drinking that Magners stuff, which is new to me as I don't like cider.

I now have a hangover. I don't like it!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:21, Reply)
*scared*
You're gonna eat me?
That's rubbish, I don't want that happening.
I've got a new knife, sharp enough to cut through time itself, so beware *frowns*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:22, Reply)
I wouldn't really think
that Kaol was organic, what with all the extra steel about his person.

So, this knife that cuts through time - a subtle knife is it?

And morning, DiT. I was going to do some weeding yesterday afternoon, but fell asleep instead, which was much nicer.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:25, Reply)
Subtle?
Yeah, it's titanium-coated, so the grey blends in nicely with the grey of my jeans.

I've had a couple of accidents with it already though, which is a shame.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:28, Reply)
Morning, K2k6!
Sleep sounds vastly preferable to weeding. It was just that my weeds were threatening to take over my house.

NOT ON MY WATCH YOU EVIL WEED FUCKERS!

EDIT: Nice subtle knife reference. *amber spyglasses*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:28, Reply)
I was going to get on with some work instead of dropping in here.*

*may contain lies

Ning.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:36, Reply)
As a committed meat-eater
(not that kind of meat, you pervs), I would say that, in special circumstances (like a plane crash in the andes, something very extreme where I would die if I didn't and the whole group had agreed upon it), I would totally eat a human being.

EDIT: I'm going to buy a weed wand tonight. That sounds like the most woosome thing evar!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:39, Reply)
I think
Kaol's subtle knife accidents must have been instances of ripping little holes in the space-time continuum or something.

@ancrenne/DiT - a weed wand is a great idea, although it's not exactly environmentally friendly and carries the risk of burning down your house. But I want one now.

I've not thought much about eating humans. But I do like eating many other meats. I find vegetarian food lacking in satisfaction. After a meat free meal, it's like I'm full up but I don't feel like I've had anything to eat, if that makes sense. It's a weird feeling.

Edit: Morning Ms 'drix.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:40, Reply)
Morning clendrix
Did you have a nice weekend?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:43, Reply)
Mmm...meat
I wish I had morals, I really do. But I love meat.

BK - had a nice weekend, thanks. Hope you enjoyed yours too - is it sunny where you are today?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:50, Reply)
Stunning ta!
Went to the UNKLE gig at Somerset House on saturday. Was brilliant (although James Lavelle isn't quite as cool as he thinks he is).
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:56, Reply)
'clendrix
It was very nice thanks,

It's warm but looks like it's going to rain up here.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:59, Reply)
Morning Bob
*strikes up band*

*plays 'arrival of the Empress of QOTW' (Monday remix)*

Glad you enjoyed watching the men from UNKle.

Apologies for the nakedness - HLT nicked my hat and she's not back until tomorrow so I can't steal it back.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:00, Reply)
Hello homies!
I have done my work for the day. Huzza!


I love it when a plan comes together.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:02, Reply)
BGB
Either you have a tiny work schedule
OR
You were up at 5am
OR
You are very efficient indeed!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:05, Reply)
@Clendrix
Efficiency is my middle name plus not much to do today and the boss is off till tomorrow.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:07, Reply)
*trundles in*
morning lovelies!

how are we all today?

i brought jelly and icecream today. not cake. do have some.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:07, Reply)
Dedication's all you need...
If you wanna be a record breakaaaaaaah!

Jelly and Ice Cream, eh? *has a bowl*

Good morning, BGB! Good morning, HLT!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:10, Reply)
Hello HLT.
@ancrenne - Yup, that was my plan.

Hi DIT, *sings* If you wanna be the best, if you wanna beat the rest.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:10, Reply)
Well hello, HLT
Thought you had a day off today?

*runs naked*

*steals hat back*

*covers exposed parts*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:11, Reply)
Morning BGB and HLT
Hope you had a good weekend.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:11, Reply)
morning miss crenne, miss blouse, milord devil!
I am impressed at your efficiency BGB, can I have some please?

edit@mrk6 - well, so I do. so I thought I would visit the library and oh no! I appear to have accidentally sat down at one of its pcs.

i didn't bring the hat with me today btw. so technically you are still in the nuddy, sir!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:11, Reply)
Work is busy today
*frowns*

That's the price to pay for a lovely two days in Brighton with ancrenne.
*smiles*

Was worth it.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:17, Reply)
hello HLT!
Speaking of jelly, I am going to make some jelly tongiht.

Prosecco jelly with rasberries, blueberries and strawberries in it. It's a Jamie Oliver recipe. Nom.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:18, Reply)
^Nomnomnom
That sounds lovely!

Anyone who wants Jamie Olivers new book, gratis, should gaz me...
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:21, Reply)
@HLT
So what's that I stole from you to cover my bare bits?

*checks*

Oh, it's your tea cosy. Oh well, does the job. Wouldn't want my bald spot to see too much of the sun.

*replaces tea cosy on head*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:21, Reply)
Was distracted by colleagues!
*presents bucket*

Any jelly and icecream left?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:22, Reply)
I have a few cook books but only ever use one.
The one pot cookbook.

Best one I ever bought.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:22, Reply)
@ Empress BobFossil
Mmmm, fruity jelly! Phwoar!

I would like mine with cream, please.

@K2k6. That's not my tea-cosy. I was just, er, holding it for someone.

speaking of teacosies, did you know you can get tiny little ones to fit on baby boys' willies to stop them peeing about the place whilst being changed/bathed etc. apparently you can, and they're called PeeCosies. Don't ask me how I know that. I don't know.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:24, Reply)
@HLT
Wtf - half the fun of changes little boys nappies is when they pee on their heads.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:26, Reply)
^Today I have learnt something that I never wanted to know...
PeeCosy? Christ.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:26, Reply)
re: jelly
I picked up the fruit on the way to work this morning (there's a really good stall on Chiswick High Rd), and now they're sitting in a bag on my desk, pleading with me to eat them. Argh. So tempting.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:28, Reply)
All this talk of fruit
is making me feel very healthy.

@ Devil. I may have dreamt up the PeeCosies. I am dreaming weird things these days, so you never know.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:32, Reply)
PeeCosy?
My mate is always complaining that his wee boy pees on him when he's getting his nappy changed. Apparently the little fellow projects the stream with a fair pressure behind it, enough to hit his dad in the face.

So I may suggest a PeeCosy to him!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:32, Reply)
Tinysmall TJ
But I have run out of books to read. Can anyone recommend me a new one?

I like Terry Pratchett, Tom Holt, CJ Sansom, Nick Hornby and that kind of thing. I like biographies (of important historical people, not Jordan or whichever 21-year-old sleb that has decided I need to read about their lives) and histories. I also, sadly, like books with titles like 'Sniper One' or 'Vulcan 607'. Great train fodder.

I also like books like 'The Master and Margarita' and 'Metamorphosis'. 'Cos I'm cultured, innit.

Any suggestions will be greatly welcomed!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:33, Reply)
Face-peeing?
All you need is a set of these: www.freepatentsonline.com/6579304-0-large.jpg

DiT: Have you read anything by Neil Gaiman? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neil_Gaiman

I read a book of his, Neverwhere recently, and liked it.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:36, Reply)
Oh god
I didn't dream them, they're real!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:36, Reply)
Morning all.
How was the weekend? I saw Fields of the Nephelim on Saturday, great band, great gig.

@DiT I know this is a bit outside of what you say you normally read, but try The Stand by Stephen King, it's one of the best stories I've ever read.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:37, Reply)
@DiT
I've been plugging the Book Thief by Markus Zuzak quite a lot. Thought it was great.
*edit* Just finished A Confederacy of Dunces too, which was great.

Can anyone tell me who wrote Death and the Penguin? Got some birthday vouchers for Waterstones and was going to pick up that and The Master and Margarita.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:38, Reply)
*Agrees with Herr Doktor*
Bloody good read. I do love a good end of the world story.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:39, Reply)
BK:
Andrey Kurkov

DiT: The Nightwatch Trilogy by Sergai Lukanyenko (I'll check the spelling on that) is also well worth a read.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:40, Reply)
Neil Gaiman FTW!
Yes, Neverwhere is brilliant. My favorite is American Gods though, because I'm really interested in mythology/gods etc. Stunning book.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:41, Reply)
Right, I'm off for my eye test now and lunch.
See you all later.

Some Russian guy wrote Death and the Penguin. : )
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:41, Reply)
I agree with Kaol
Those three books are great, I can't wait for Final Watch to come out.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:41, Reply)
@ BK
Am reading The Arabian Nights at the moment. the proper version, not the children's illustrated one. It's ace and has got nookie in.

Then will tackle Vanity Fair, which I have never read *shames*.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:42, Reply)
@Kaol
Cheers!

@hlt - I have a Kama Sutra somewhere that I'm sure kept the section on bestiality.
I've never had a go at the Arabian Nights either.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:45, Reply)
Wow!
Thanks people! Many of these are now on my Waterstones wishlist!

I have read a lot of Neil Gaiman stuff. I'm with Bob, American Gods is a cracking book. Fragile Things is good too, if you can get hold of it.

*bows down to B3ta wisdom*

EDIT: BK, The Book Thief was one of the best books I've ever read. Bought it on impulse when it came out, and read it in a day. Fantastic.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:48, Reply)
I feel a bit uncultured here
I've never even heard of half of the books/authors you are all mentioning.

Although I did once read a biography of Sir Humphry Davy. He's famous. Does that count?

And I've read some Steinbeck, which I enjoyed.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:51, Reply)
*waves*
Bye ancrenne! Good luck!

Herr Doktor, he's writing a final part to the series? Amazing! I thought he's ended it on Twilight Watch! *excited*

We shouldn't mention the film of Day Watch though... It was all kinds of rubbish.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:52, Reply)
@Miss crenne
Yeah, and still as good as ever.

I must admit that I've never been able to get into Gaiman (stop that right now!) Don't know why though I've read a couple of his books.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:52, Reply)
@ Kaol
Yeah I thought so as well but The Last Watch is due out on the 2nd of October.

I liked the films, but still not nearly as good as the books.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:54, Reply)
Good morning
Still don't know whether or not I'm getting an interview. How's everyone else?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:55, Reply)
the book thief is indeed splendid
I have got three minutes left here (I feel like i'm in the crystal maze now! "All right! you've got threeeee minutes! during which time I will play the mouth organ to distract and irritate you!")

I shall return on the morrow, people!

*snogs everyone*

*flounces off*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:57, Reply)
Mornin', Spakka!
All good thanks. Could do with another weekend though!

How's your good self? Have you tried ringing the company/recruiters and asking them? They might like a proactive approach? (Oh my god. I can't believe I just used the word 'proactive' seriously. *showers*)

EDIT: Bye bye, HLT. Have a nice day! :)
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:58, Reply)
@DiT, HLT
I stupidly finished The Book Thief on the train on the way home from work and everybody was looking at me while I cried my eyes out. Embarrassing!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:00, Reply)
Morning spakka, bye HLT
The revolving door's working overtime today.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:00, Reply)
* snogs HLT mid-flounce *
@DIT: I've tried that twice last week. The first time, the technical director was off sick and the managing director was on holiday. The second time, the managing director was also off sick. But they said they'd e-mail me sometime today. But even so, I've decided when I'm travelling and if I don't get any interviews, I'll spend the time exploring Bath and Bristol. BTW, are you coming to the July 22nd London minibash?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:09, Reply)
@BK
It's quite hard for a book to set me off. But, like you, the end of The Book Thief had me absolutely balling.

Having said that, the film 'A Knights Tale' made me cry, so I'm not really one to talk!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:10, Reply)
'noon all
The Nephilim, eh? Great band. Elizium is a great album.

I went to see the Sisters of Mercy a couple of years back. In Leeds.

I'm such an old school goth!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:11, Reply)
@DiT
I would snigger, but I was howling in the cinema when they gave the baby back at the end of Ice Age.
Masculine credentials instantly out the window.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:20, Reply)
No need for masculine credentials to be diminished, BK.
If I watch a movie and don't cry, I don't think, 'Hey-ho, there go my feminine credentials' and thus commence growing a beard.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:29, Reply)
@ clendrix
Haha, no hankering for lumberjack shirts and sensible shoes?
My mascara was streaming down my face, I'm telling you.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:32, Reply)
@clendrix
But what if you could explain the offside rule and reverse park your car...?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:35, Reply)
Oh no!
I understand the off-side rule. And I only had to reverse-park once, but did it perfectly. (Will never attempt it again, in order to maintain my 100% success rate.)

I am now very worried - I must go home and watch Beaches in order to reassure myself I can still blub like a girl.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:44, Reply)
100!
In your face Al!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:45, Reply)
@Kaol
Have you been cheating by deleting some of your own posts further up the thread?

Ingenious.

Petty and childish. But ingenious.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:47, Reply)
Yes indeed!
But only posts that nobody reading would notice.
"Filler" posts, if you would.

*grins*

I'm all kinds of awesome, I know.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:49, Reply)
@clendrix
Ah, you're OK. Reverse parking once doesn't count.

Don't think you'll be growing a willy anytime soon.

Edit@Kaol - did you put those filler posts in deliberately? Is this some sort of premeditated master plan?

Your devious ingenuity knows no bounds.

*pays homage*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:50, Reply)
.
@clendrix & BK
It seems like weepy movies swap your genders.

@K2k6
That's why we prefer hexadecimal milestones. It's too geeky for lesser posters.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:53, Reply)
Yeah...
I make little throw-away comments that people don't refer to.

Then they can be deleted.

Nice work Al, I guess now my secret is out, getting 100 isn't so cool.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:56, Reply)
@spakka
I quite agree. And I have also been thinking of significant numbers in other bases. 81 for example - or 1009.

Is that too sad?

But remember, post-deleting milestone chasers - he who starts the thread can also delete the thread!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 12:56, Reply)
Go on then...
Delete it!
See if I care...

It's not like we get a post-count on QOTW.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:00, Reply)
Eh?
No, don't delete us!

I like it here.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:02, Reply)
Is it just me or....
Does anyone else find it difficult to cope with the invasion of personal space when opticians check your eyes with their little pen-lights.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:02, Reply)
^ Yes.
I always want to laugh or do something to break the silence.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:08, Reply)
^ I'm putting that off
as long as possible. The idea, frankly, terrifies me.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:11, Reply)
Sometimes,
depending on the optician, it gives me the horn.

Afternoon all, I am all busy again. This is RUBBESH.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:11, Reply)
Afternoon WGW
@K2k6: It's not as sad as deleting posts to get a milestone.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:17, Reply)
The smear test is done at the other end.
I don't know if your aware of that Al.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:24, Reply)
Not really.
I meant when someone is really close to me, especially near my face.

To be honest, I'm too worried about having metal implements inserted in my vagina than to worry about how close the nurse is.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:31, Reply)
My threat
of thread deletion was not a real one. I was merely pointing out the possibility of it. I wouldn't wipe your thoughts out like that.

Unless you really pissed me off. And seeing as you're all nice, that won't happen.

I've never had my eyes tested since my school medical, aged 15. Maybe I should do it sometime, seeing as how it's free these days.

And Maladicta, a smear test may be unpleasant and embarrassing but it's a potential life saver. Not that I have first hand experience, of course!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:32, Reply)
Maladicta
I'm seconding K626 here. Get a smear test. It's a few minutes of vague discomfort as someone rootles around your business end, but it can save your life.

Just lie back and think of England. and ask them to warm the speculum up a bit first
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:39, Reply)
^What they said.
I am currently trying to convince Mrs. Devil to have one done as she never has, either. Better to be safe than sorry, I reckon.

AND:

Good afternoon, Empress. I trust you are well?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:41, Reply)
^ I do have to at some point soon
what with all the sexy tiem and that, but I've been putting it off since I turned 20 because I couldn't deal with the idea of it (what if it comes back irregular?). The other half wants me to go too but it's finding the time... yeah, I'm a wimp.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:42, Reply)
Maladicta
Oodles of them come back irregular. Absolutely loads. And do you know what that means, most of the time?
Absolutely cock-diddely-all.

It just means that they didn't manage to get enough cells from your cervix to give a clear reading, and so they ask you to come back so they can get some more. My first reading was irregular, so were ones for about half of my female friends. Happens all the sodding time, and is not to be worried about. It's when the speculum comes out dripping in pus and chunks of Aids that you need to get concerned. joking.

Hullo DiT! How are you?

EDIT: *dances sexily to Al's tune*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:48, Reply)
Smear tests bloody kill me.
I don't know why. It's not like I'm frigid or anything *laughs*

Then they tell you to relax or else it will hurt and then you can't relax because you know it will hurt and then it's catch 22.

Bugger!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:50, Reply)
Talking of smear tests...
You want to know about pain?

Pain is getting the IUS (coil) fitted. That's pain. Pure, unrelenting pain.

After that, smear tests are a perfect doddle.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:52, Reply)
I once overheard some women on a train talking about going to the doctor's for smear-tests
They said that when they do, they dress conservatively.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:53, Reply)
Me too.
I dress like Margaret Thatcher when it's time for mine.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:54, Reply)
I'm very well, thanks!
Just counting down to holiday (only three months to go!)...

I think I'm going to go and have my lunch. It may not be the best time, given the conversation! :)
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:56, Reply)
Smear tests
Someone close to me went for a routine smear test. It came back irregular. There's a 1 to 10 scale of seriousness I believe, where 1 is perfectly fine, and 10 is cancerous, and hers was kind of half way up. So she have to go and have a laser fired up her muff*, which sorted it out permanently.

But had it gone undetected....

*no doubt there is a proper medical term for this procedure.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:57, Reply)
@Al
Yes, I'd say it is. I'm fairly hardy anyway, when it comes to pain. It left me ashen and shaking like a freshly-raped dog (to borrow a line from Legless), but it was worth it.

It's free (or was from the place I got it, but it might depend on where you live), lasts for 5 years (no panics when one doesn't remember to take ones pill), and means an end to fannying around with condoms. It also reduces period pains, and although I put on a bit of weight with it, it was nothing compared to the weight gain one can get with the pill (first time I went on the pill, aged 18, I put on a stone in a month, and am still struggling to lose it again!)
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 13:59, Reply)
@al
I bow to your superior knowledge of medical terminology.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:04, Reply)
.
@DIT: We time these conversations to co-incide with lunch-breaks. It's the way of the QOTW chat-threads.

@K2k6: Is there anything lasers can't do?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:07, Reply)
@ Empress (congratulations on the title, by the way)
I do know girls who've had them come back irregular and be perfectly OK :) but as well as that I have a ladygarden like a 6 year old nun so I'm expecting EPIC PAIN. I'm a scarily shy creature - as I'm sure will be apparent if I ever actually make it to a bash - and the idea of someone who is not Mr Maladicta looking at my mimsy makes me feel a bit... acl. Perhaps I need moral support.


Really not keen on the idea of the IUS though. Oww.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:07, Reply)
@Maladicta
Have a shot of whisky/rum/vodka/whatever floats your boat before you go in. Have several. Go with a mate (female). Maybe hide a few welcoming messages up your mimsy so the nurse feels at home.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:10, Reply)
@maladicta
You have to remember that yours is not the first mimsy the nurse or doctor will have seen and it probably won't be the prettiest or ugliest. Just relax and remember that to them your mimsy is just flesh.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:13, Reply)
@ Maladicta
There's always the desensitisation approach - shart showing off your mimsy to all and sundry and soon the fear will fade...

edit - @EmpressBob - Friendly messages? Surely the ultimate icebreaker would be a spring-loaded boxing glove with POW written across the knuckles?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:14, Reply)
Maladicta
get yer fanny out. It's not as bad as you think it will be.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:15, Reply)
al
always up for a bit of minge chat.

Also, the technical term is fanny doctor.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:18, Reply)
Excuse me, al!
Why was I singled out there for making 'get them out' type comments?

Eh?

Oh, yeah. OK.

Lasers can do everything. They could even cook your dinner (quality of cooking may vary).
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:18, Reply)
Flesh?
Yep, it's all just functional meat, nothing to be proud or ashamed of.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:19, Reply)
@ Al
Working in a hospital, I have just carried out some research and I can tell you that the official title is:

Clinical Nurse Specialist (Quimrot)

Edit - MM is correct in the term for the doctor, but I thought Al was after the nurse.

fnar.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:19, Reply)
@MM
I thought the correct job title was "clunge consultant"
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:19, Reply)
clendrix's first smear
nurse grappled for ages - told me i was strange shape (!) and was having trouble. called doctor. doctor came in and said, 'right, i'll need the biggest you've got'. i sat up on the examining table in fear. he looked at me and said,' gloves, dear'. bastard. subsequent tests have never seemed as bad (and am not strange shape - nurse was pleb).
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:20, Reply)
Bob
having just been to insert anti baby devices, I can assure you that mine was a lala consultant.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:21, Reply)
Bwahahahahaha! I'm going to Med School...
Simply so one day, when someone asks me what my job is, I can say 'Clunge Consultant'.

I'll be needing a new keyboard now! :)

Noon MM!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:23, Reply)
Evening DiT
al- That or a flaps inspector
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:24, Reply)
"Beef Curtain Opener"
Nah - thats the technical term for the speclium thing.

However, now you mention it, wouldn't it be great to have one of those "clapper" switches (clap your hands and it turns on) to operate your beef curtain opener.

* Opens floor for all the "clap" jokes *

'noon all!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:29, Reply)
Besides Maladicta.....
If your planning on having kids at some point your going to have to get used to being in strange postions with strangers peering into your love tunnel and poking about.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:29, Reply)
@BGB
I would imagine that during childbirth, there's so much discomfort and emotion involved that the last thing you would worry about is a stranger looking up your fanny!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:34, Reply)
Falls off chair, spits coffee out at screen
"Clunge Consultant"

Being a chap I can't quite empathise with poor Maladicta, but I can well understand gun shyness during a medical small arms inspection if that helps.

Sometimes you just have to drop your shorts with a smile knowing that yours won't be the freakish that your doc has ever seen.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:34, Reply)
PJM
You can sympathise. My other half had a camera stuck up into his bladder via a rather painful route. He couldn't pee for a week.

It's a bit like that.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:36, Reply)
clap your hands and it turns on
I thought you did something else to turn that on.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:37, Reply)
What PJM said ^
Having a doctor prod and examine your genitalia is a bit undignified.

But it's better than dying. It's also a very good feeling when you find out you have nothing to worry about.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:39, Reply)
Perhaps if you learn a trick,
like firing ping-pong balls, tying your flaps in a bow or impersonating a celebrity, you could overcome your shyness with pride in your accomplishments?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:39, Reply)
I guess your right.
Having never been daft enought to procreate, I'm just guessing.

I'm at the age now when anybody in a white coat can ask and I drop my knickers without impunity.

It's a bit embarrasing at the dentists though.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:40, Reply)
BGB
It's a fucker that. It's even worse when I go to the vet.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:42, Reply)
I've got a white coat...
Woo, it's covered in stains and has pockets full of scalpels and such other exciting things though.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:43, Reply)
@MM
Yikes... Camera...?

*crosses legs and winces*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:43, Reply)
*puts on lab coat*
*waves at BGB*

@Wookie - that's a good idea. Something like this (NSFW) might do?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:43, Reply)
@Kaol
Just like a doctor's then.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:44, Reply)
BGB
Yep, it's my labcoat from uni, stained with the juices of a thousand animals.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:46, Reply)
Kaol and al
it's more the clinical environment that does it for me, far more than the actual coat.

Although if you could convince someone that the pub was actually a family planning centre, you'd have a great QOTW answer
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:49, Reply)
@wellgroomedwookie
How about some pubic topiary? (heart-shaped etc all been done, but how about pubes shaved to look like a badger? Or Brian Blessed?)

Or one could get the sound chip from those "singing" birthday cards (you know the ones I mean), and insert it, so every time one opens ones legs, the clunge consultant would get a rousing chorus of "happy birthday".
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:50, Reply)
Pubic topiary
to look like Brian Blessed wouldn't require much shaving though.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:55, Reply)
Or just install a water-fountain.

(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:57, Reply)
My flatmate
just brought me a cup of tea and a wagon wheel. And the tea is in my favourite mug.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:59, Reply)
@AL
I just laughed so hard my tummy hurts.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:02, Reply)
Wagon wheel.
*wants one*

Although when I was a kid they were almost as big as a real wagon wheel.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:02, Reply)
al
That would be like having sex with a brother or something. Much as I love him, that would be wrong beyond words.

At some point i'll post some of his bad sex stories.

EDIT: BGB, there are three left if you want one.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:03, Reply)
@MM
Thanks but I'm trying to cut down on my virtual cake and chocolate. I'm sure it still puts weight on me.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:09, Reply)
BGB
Ah well. I'll just have to munch my way through them myself then. Such is the advantage of not feeling very well today that I just don't care.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:11, Reply)
As much as I like fannying around here
I've got some stuff that needs doing, so I'll depart.

See you this evening.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:12, Reply)
Bye spakk
have a nice day of doing things.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:14, Reply)
@mistaspakkaman.
Fannying around. How very dare you. We are having informative and educational talks on various aspects of the world today.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:14, Reply)
^
"We are having informative and educational talks on various aspects of the world today": about fannies.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:19, Reply)
Ok I admit.
Fannies may or may not play a large part of todays discussions. But then when doesn't it.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:21, Reply)
I've just been next door and purchased a Wagon Wheel.
Not nearly as large as they used to be, I'm sure.

But then, this would be most good. MOST. GOOD.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:25, Reply)
Despite talking about fannies today
I have not been lewd and libidinous, for once.

So there, Al!

Probably because I'm doing boring stuff at work which is losing me the will to live, never mind looking at minges.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:27, Reply)
That...
is awesome. Want one. Now!

...and dammit, that's another website I'll have to read completely before getting any more work done...
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:29, Reply)
@Al
Your so rock and roll you make me sick.

*Needs new hoover*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 15:36, Reply)
Hello?
*tumbleweeds*

I'm all alone... :(
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:09, Reply)
*keeps Al talking*
*slips dagger from sleeve*

Hello. My name is Devil In Tights. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

*attacks*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:18, Reply)
I'm back
Bloody work.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:20, Reply)
Is al actually dead now?
I was looking forward to meeting him next week.

Kaol! How are you?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:23, Reply)
^And that's 200.
Nice work, mister!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:24, Reply)
Clendrix!
I'm bored actually. And busy.

Half an hour, then I'm driving far away in a Land Rover full of spears.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:26, Reply)
No, he legged it like the dog he is...
O, HAI AL.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:26, Reply)
@Kaol
bored and busy - describes my day perfectly.

@al - yes, I'm sure it's because I haven't met you before. Perhaps it will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:36, Reply)
I CaN HAs CHEeZBurGER?
Oh, Clendrix, it will be a once in a lifetime experience... He's just that kind of guy...

*swoons*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:39, Reply)
Am I the only one
who got your princess bride reference DiT?

*rejoins after nap*

EDIT: presumes is right
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:47, Reply)
al
HAHAHAHAU R GAY LOLLLLLLZZZZ!!1!1 1!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:49, Reply)
I'm off in ten minutes
Thank fuck.
Slow, boring, but busy day.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:49, Reply)
DiT?

DiT?

*sobs*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:50, Reply)
Very belated @ BGB
In actual fact, I don't really plan on doing the whole kids thing. I have no disrespect for people who have them, but the screaming noises they make go right through me.

Mr Maladicta feels the same way; he'd prefer to have German Shepherd puppies.

*takes on the advice to wave one's ladygarden about to ease the shyness*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:51, Reply)
It's only DiT...
There're plenty more fish in the pond.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:51, Reply)
*splutters back to life*
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

And I thought we were friends. :'(

MM: You're dangerously close to winning the B3tan of the day award for an unprecedented third time...

EDIT: Watch it, Al. Watch it now, and feel your life complete itself.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:54, Reply)
Kaol
DiT looks more like a kitten than you.

EDIT: And woo! I propose a b3ta evening to educate the others in our cinema.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:54, Reply)
I don't like cats
So he's welcome to it...
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:55, Reply)
I look like a kitteh?
Triangular ears and furry?

Dammit. I'll never get away from being cute. Not rugged and handsome for me, no. Cute.

Awwwww!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 16:58, Reply)
DiT
the sooner you learn to accept it, the happier a man you will be.

Also, it was merely a comparison between you and Kaol, out of which you look more kitteney
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:01, Reply)
I'm going now
Bye!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:01, Reply)
bye K
*waves*

*drowns*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:03, Reply)
See ya, Kaol...
*dives in to waves*

*saves MM*

*administers kiss of life*

*looks around*

*administers quick feel up of life*

Oh, she's awake... Look, I saved you!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:05, Reply)
Wahey!
Thanks you for saving my life Sir Tights.

*blushes*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:09, Reply)
*bleugh*
I do not know what Mr Maladicta's corridor mate is cooking, but it smells like the bastard child of curry and Tubgirl.

*sprays Lynx and opens the windows*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:13, Reply)
Anytime.
Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to step in to the light. But some people need to help somebody when the edge of surrender's in sight.

Don't you worry! It's gonna be alright. 'Cos I'm always ready, I won't let you out of my sight. I'll be ready, never you fear, I'll be ready! Forever is always, and I'm always here!

EDIT: I'm fine, Al. Honestly!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:13, Reply)
^ *sways to the disco version
in her head*

I'm ashamed to admit I actually sort of like that song.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:14, Reply)
Maladicta
Do you own a snorkel? It might be a good hint to wear it around as he cooks.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:15, Reply)
No shame in that, 'dicta...
Baywatch gave us many, many great things, including the theme song.

Other great songs of the 80's include 'Danger Zone' by Kenny Loggins from the 'Top Gun' soundtrack, and 'On the Up' from the BBC One Dennis Waterman vehicle 'On the Up'.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:20, Reply)
@ MM
It's not Mr Maladicta's cooking (although his repertoire extends to Cripsy Pancakes, chips, tinned or dried spaghetti, ribsteaks, and really anything you can just put in the oven and let do its thing). He lives in a room in a shared house (which I'm minding while he goe to pick a bike up) and one of the other people on his floor has made the concoction of doom in the kitchen. I just went out there to wash up a couple of plates and nearly threw up.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:20, Reply)
@ DiT
I remember Danger Zone because it was used in one or other AMV Hells; I had no idea it was from Top Gun, even though I know I've seen Top Gun at least once.

And I liked Never Gonna Give You Up before it was cool.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:21, Reply)
Maladicta
in that case, I can lend you some hazardous waste type police tape that I stole, which you can cover the kitchen with.

al- my pulse is notoriously hard to find. I was once presumed to be a zombie.

FACT.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:23, Reply)
Okey dokey folks...
I'm off to do battle with the Jubilee Line.

I might be about this evening... Who knows?

Take care now!

DiT
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:26, Reply)
Well
zombies have other hobbies other than scaring you in spanish films


EDIT:Nooooooooo! You must not leave!

Well alright then.

Bye!
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:27, Reply)
@ MM
Hazardous waste tape sounds good; put it all over the cooker to get people to keep away from the pot of doom.

Have fun at the gym Al! :)
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:29, Reply)
Bye al!
And I too am off to eat pasta.
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:29, Reply)
'ning all
This is a bloody huge thread!

How y'all doing?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:46, Reply)
'lo again folks
I'm still at work due to an alarming-clock-failure-related incident this morning. On the bright side, I am getting to make up some lies, so it's not all bad.

Anyone else still here?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:47, Reply)
Thanks for asking
I am AWESOME after the weekend since I am now officially a doctor with the papers to prove it.

And what did I do after some geezer in a gown tells me I'm all grown up and sensible?

Yes, get absolutely twatted obviously but I also managed to let my brother miss his flight back home which I feel slightly bad for. :/

So much for growing up.

*skips off to the pub to make rude jokes*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:51, Reply)
@Shippy - Woohoo!
MD or PhD?
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:55, Reply)
@wgw
Ph.D. *glees*
(, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 21:22, Reply)
.
.
Chat continues here.
.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:11, Reply)

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