Fucking cycling cunts are closing my city again this weekend.
There is always something fucking up transport at the weekends. What boils your piss?

Alt: why are all you provincials so shit and far away?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:19, 193 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

They're closing half the roads between Leatherhead and Guildford for that.
Good job I'll be in Manchester.
( Kroney, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:20, Reply)

Passive/aggressive emails boil my piss
Say it to my face or fuck off

Alt:
I'm fucking great, me
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:20, Reply)

Sportscow.
Thanks very much for your exceptional support with my password. I particularly felt as though your insistence that I'd forgotten it was very helpful, especially after I told you that I *definitely* knew that I was entering it correctly.

I feel that the fact that my password started working again as soon as you changed it proves it was something wrong with the server.

Thanks,

F. RIEND.
( Kroney, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:22, Reply)

haha!
I wish my job was as simple as that. Know anything about Oracle? Neither do I
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:23, Reply)

Yeah he was the little wizard chap in He-Man

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:24, Reply)

Christ, no.
That end of the trade looks deathly boring.
( Kroney, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:25, Reply)

I have to copy a DB from one server to another one
I have no idea how to copy a DB from one server to another one
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:30, Reply)

Depending on the version of Oracle that you are having to deal with
You should be able to extract the information as a CSV or XLS then the destination server should be able to recompile it from there...

Obvs, don't know what server or oracle etc you are using.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:34, Reply)

Export the entire thing as an oracle .dmp file
and then something something something on the other server.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:37, Reply)

Its the something something bit I'm having trouble with
An existing empty DB is there
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:38, Reply)

Have you tried printing it all off page by page
then inputting it by hand... you will then have a hard copy for future reference
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:40, Reply)

I hadn't!
GOOD IDEA
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

Just use "imp" then
duh.

EDIT: Or google "how to copy an oracle database to another machine"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:44, Reply)

Didn't work

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:44, Reply)

That's what you want
Just export the schema. Create a blank schema on the empty db and import it.

I say "just" this sounds easy on paper but it's usually marred by oracle being a cunt for no reason.

Nearly every time I try and do something that should work it doesn't due to oracle being a prick.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:44, Reply)

My God. These rants make sense to me now Im practically IT myself :(

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:48, Reply)

Being it is easy really.
Just refuse to do anything and mumble things about 'security' or 'performance'.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:49, Reply)

Right click, copy...

( Kroney, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:37, Reply)

More of a Ceefax man myself.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:25, Reply)

Gramophone lover.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:27, Reply)

Have you got an answer to the crisps question yet

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:28, Reply)

Yes, pubs rotate stock on Fridays.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

Is this one of your incorrectly labelled 'ironic' replies?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:45, Reply)

No I googled it.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:50, Reply)

You managed to do that wrong too.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:56, Reply)

?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:02, Reply)

Crisps get made in a factory that normally runs Monday to Friday. As the expiry date is so far in the future, crisps manufactured in the same week probably have the same date. And manufacturers would then push it back seven days every week. It's the same as saying "Week ending".
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:07, Reply)

What stunned poster said

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:11, Reply)

THAT's how you use Google.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:13, Reply)

ALL DAY BABY

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:14, Reply)

You can still go on teletext holidays.
They're just online now.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:28, Reply)

You get your holidays from collecting vouchers in The Sun.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:29, Reply)

Sun Pink
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:53, Reply)

she was in The Matrix

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:27, Reply)

There is a fucking spoon!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:29, Reply)

I do! But not nearly as much as I need to.

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:30, Reply)

I know I fucking HATE Oracle.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:44, Reply)

Oh and if you're running low on space do NOT delete the redo logs with the database running.
It doesn't like that very much.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:47, Reply)

You're thebest one here cow.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:23, Reply)

Just saw this "tweet" and thought of you
Investment tip: In about 2020 buy a struggling country pub. Driverless cars will bring the punters back.— David Grossman (@DavidGrossmanUK) July 31, 2014
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:32, Reply)

I'm cracking up at the situation at Manchester Airport
Looks like some stupid cunt has claimed to have 'a device', or something like that. Guided in by the RAF, the guy has been escorted from the plane by armed police. Either way, he's fucked. What's the sentence for causing shit like that again, 3 years?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:23, Reply)

Cracking up?
I read the article and barely managed a smirk.
Or a care.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:29, Reply)

Yes, it's amusing me because no-one has died, and if it turns out that it is a hoax, the guy is fucked.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:30, Reply)

They probably refused to serve him any more drink, and he decided to teach them a lesson.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:32, Reply)

Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if that turns out to be true.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:33, Reply)

I might go and do the closed road cycle, apart from going out Friday night which might scupper my plans.
Alt: I'm not, I'm here more often than not.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:23, Reply)

Chris Moyles that's who boils my piss. I'm naming real names here for a change. I've set up a page thats gone viral and will be donating all proceeds to the NLT, not that I've been done for fraud in the past or anything.
www.justgiving.com/Christopher-Moyles/
(Mr Udagawa, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:24, Reply)

I hate the new thing in advertising where they list what the product should do anyway and class it as new.
4 in 1 air freshners and 3 in 1 washing tablets.
all points listed are what they should fucking do anyway.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:27, Reply)

i wouldn't have allowed this when I was chief executive of unilever in 2007.

(Mr Udagawa, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:28, Reply)

Contains new Bullshiterol, and Madeuperon for extra POWER

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:30, Reply)

Now with active nanospheres!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:31, Reply)

"nanospheres", or "powder" as it used to be called

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:33, Reply)

Not since 2007 mate

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:36, Reply)

A nano is much smaller than a powder.
If it gets into a crevice it will fuck you right up.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:36, Reply)

I fucked your nano right up her crevice

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:39, Reply)

5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 .. 1

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:40, Reply)

my grandad had a gun

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

he shot my nanny in the fanny

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 .. 1

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

Chew chew chew the caramel topping

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

we are here to show you how

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:01, Reply)

Just like my sportscock

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:39, Reply)

God fucking damn it.
They're out of reggae reggae crisps in the machine. I'm having to make do with a double decker.

#FML.
( Kroney, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:31, Reply)

Levi Roots wasn't in The Double Deckers
The bloke from Aswad was.

But they all look the same, so I can see where you are coming from.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:33, Reply)

All black men with natty dreads

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:34, Reply)

haha

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:34, Reply)

decker ender
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:40, Reply)

decker entendre
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:41, Reply)

*gives one*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:42, Reply)

I see, I come to you people with a serious, real, tragic problem
and you take the piss. I've said this in confidence. No doubt it'll be everywhere by tomorrow morning.
( Kroney, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:51, Reply)

Have a wank before you go to bed, should solve this morning 'issue' HTH

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:53, Reply)

No doubt it'll be everywhere by tomorrow morning.

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:02, Reply)

what are reggae reggae crisps?
Do they have jam in?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:06, Reply)

A guy at the bar has just broken a tooth on a pork scratching.
His piss is a bit boiled,
(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:46, Reply)

Christ, not even taken over the place and already you are being sued.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:49, Reply)

Haha. He should have stuck to Nobby's Nuts.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:52, Reply)

"Statistics" in the small print of ads for cosmetics, shampoos etc
'68% of 9 women agree that they weren't such a fuck ugly hag after using our new product "Scrofulite" for one week'.

This is meaningless. Pointless. It's not remotely statistically significant and you can't fucking prove a damn thing with populations that small and hypotheses that vague.

Since I am both a cyclist and a provincial I'll fuck off again now.
(berk, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:50, Reply)

WHY DON'T YOU ALL SHUT UP?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 14:58, Reply)

SHANT

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:01, Reply)

Shunt.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:03, Reply)

I have a meeting this alvo with
a bloke called Danny Le Roux. lol
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:02, Reply)

saucy

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:03, Reply)

I love their new album.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:10, Reply)

I spoke to Mustafa Findik last week

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:13, Reply)

I don't believe you
Neither as good as Munchma Quchi though.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:30, Reply)

He was MD of Ariston Thermo Group, now works for Vaillant
TROO STORY
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:36, Reply)

+in 2006/7
He would never have allowed you not to believe me
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:41, Reply)

:O
I guess if you're that rich/powerful, nobody comments on your name.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:44, Reply)

Sounds like a right boiler

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:45, Reply)

Oh gosh, what if he wants to headhunt me and sees this?
SHIT I HAVE THROWN IT ALL AWAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:47, Reply)

For the love of god.
www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/ricky-gervais-bringing-david-brent-to-the-big-screen-in-the-office-movie-9649655.html
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:12, Reply)

Coool!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:17, Reply)

I'd sooner shit in my hands and clap than watch that.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:23, Reply)

OH DEAR GOD NO

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 15:33, Reply)

the office is only funny
to people who work in an office and like it. Those people are cunts
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:07, Reply)

I have a headache
And a full on dose of "The Brown Rain" I think it might be ebola
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:07, Reply)

when you shit out of your eyesockets
call teh doctor
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:08, Reply)

I've squeezed one out so hard, sleep came out of my tear ducts once

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:09, Reply)

l h
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:10, Reply)

hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:10, Reply)

I read a story recently about
someone who ejaculated a small tiler who then proceeded to tile their body and eat sandwiches. I don't think it was true
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:10, Reply)

Was he bonny?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:12, Reply)

imagine i had a good response
about this guy spaffing a tiler at his missus who gets tiled and thus there is a total eclipse of the tart. It's not good, but it's too hot and muggy today
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:18, Reply)

Falling apart^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:20, Reply)

Wat? how revolting

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:12, Reply)

How will I be able to find the phone with my Poo Eyes(tm)

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:11, Reply)

Get it ready
you may need it at any moment
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:12, Reply)

Isn't that in Wales?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:12, Reply)

My boss is off today, talking to Donald Duck's favourite nephew
Apparently its the chilli he had last night, not the 8 pints
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:09, Reply)

Throwing a sicky for 8 pints? Is he some sort of wetty?

( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:11, Reply)

beermouse

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:12, Reply)

Danny Le Roux is fine thanks for asking.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:21, Reply)

Smooth and white?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:25, Reply)

Like ivory.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 5 Aug 2014, 16:25, Reply)