Alcoholic Hamster.
Never been lucky enough to own a Cat or Dog I've always had to make do with Hamsters and the like.
One particular Hamster (George) enjoyed going into hibernation every time the temperature in the house would drop blow a certain point.
The first time this happened I thought that the little fella was dead as no form of poking and prodding would raise him from slumber. Until it was pointed out that he was in a deep sleep as hamsters do when they go into hibernation.
So we decided to build a Hamster rehabilitation ward with the help of my brother who was a trainee chemist at the time. We made a hot water bottle and wrapped said rodent in a tea towel and placed it upon the bottle the rodent began to stir sleepily and then we fed George warm water and whisky through a small plastic syringe, George lapped it up!
With in a matter of minutes the little fella was bouncing around the joit with the alcoholic power of a hardened Glaswegian. Happy times.
( The Jamman I'm treading the boards and delivering the shite, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 11:56, Reply)

My Cat Stanley
Stanley was my kitten, he was energetic, stubborn and a little mad.

He also like to sleep on my forehead when I was in bed. It annoyed the hell out of me so I'd shoo him away. He'd eventually jump back on the bed and again sleep on my forehead - he was that indifferent.

Anyway, after one particular heavy session in a pub in Muesli village (in Brum), I flaked out on my bed clothes-and-all. Stanley, as usual tried to sleep on his usual spot.
What was different was that I was half asleep and drunk and instead of shooing her, I sort of threw him off - and out of an open window. What then followed was that moment of realisation when I understood what I'd done and sat bolt upright shouting 'shit!!!!'

I can still remember the confused mewing that he made when he flew through the air.

He'd flew down two storeys and landed (unsurprisingly) on his paws and ran off. Ten minutes later, he miaowed to get let back in again.

He then had some milk and eventually settled down to sleep again...on my forehead.

Lovely cat. Pity the foxes got him. Oh sorry, was this supposed to cheer you up?
(occasionallyfunny, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 11:54, Reply)

Only yesterday
It was one of my mates' birthdays, so we all had a bit of an all day drinking session. Only we brought along Izzy for the ride.

Izzy is a Staffordshire Mastiff cross, so she looks really, really mean - all jaw muscles and chest.

In reality, she's a massive softy, but to the uninitiated, you'd never believe it. The other thing she does, that scares the crap out of people is barking when she wants attention. It sounds quite aggressive, but she just wants to be stroked.

Anyway - one of mates, having been drinking all day was getting a bit lairy. These two lads walked into the bar, and my mate shouted "KILL IZZY! KILL!".

They looked pretty scared, but got their drinks and sat down quite near us. Izzy at this point decided she wanted a stroke, so ran up to them barking.

One of the guys almost ended up standing on his chair and the other one just adopted the foetal position and closed his eyes.

We were pissing ourselves, but I do apologise - if that was you - you were never in any danger.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 11:33, Reply)

Rabbit's
First post ever so take it easy (ohh aye n it's long so be patient)........

Rabbits, not mine but a neighbours. Bunny was called Thumper and was forever escaping from his run and munching the plants in my garden.

One day got home from work to find said bunny had, by the looks of things escaped about five minutes after I had left for work that morning and had been doing a number on anything flowery in the garden ever since.

Sooooo pissed I started to chase Thumper around the garden in a futile attempt at catching him so I could return the (by now) fat little git to his cage.

Picture it, Big garden, lots of trees, fast little rabbit, me......

10 minutes later the I'm hyperventilating as I run around garages and in between trees in a futile attempt to rattle (sorry catch) the little shit, needless to say by then the shutters were down and I'm looking to turn the little cnut into a hat.....

Thumper must have "sensed" that I was no longer playing tig with him and was by now out to see if rabbit's feet really were lucky (until this point his had been because they had kept him away from me).....

Off he runs down the path around the side of the house which was lined with a fence, mistake because we are now going a straight line and I have a fighting chance of getting (sorry catching him) before I die......

Just as were about to come out into the back garden widdle Thumper attempts an emergency stop just as I decide to flick his back legs out from under him in an attempt to trip him/catch him before I expire.........

So running flick is no longer a running flick but a full contact boot, right up his...... well he was running away from me so work it out.

We now have the worlds largest wingless bat flying arse over tit through the air in front of me as we both exit the end of the building into the back garden (at this point I'm also horizontal as it's now my plan to land on the little fur ball and stop hit limping off cause I'm done).

As I'm doing this I suddenly become aware of (what is now) a very scared little paper girl standing about to deliver the local teatime rag as we both fly through the air about 3 foot of the ground..

When I eventually stand up with stunned wabbit hanging from my paw, I looks at said little paper person and says "rabbit tig, he loves it" and jog of sharpish before she calls for mummy.

She never delivered papers to my house again for some strange reason.......

There done, unfortunately I cant say the same about the rabbit who made a full recovery......

(No pets, animals or children were damaged during the reconstruction of this story).............
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 11:32, Reply)

Fighting
I came home one day to some fairly loud scowels in the front room. Being that I only had one cat, this was pretty wierd. I went through to find two cats in my front room, one was my ginger and white cat, Jupiter, and the other was a black cat I'd not seen before. Or since for that matter. It seemed my cat had been beating the crap out of this other one, as there was a hell of a lot of black fur all over the front room, and not a shred of white or ginger fur. That's what you get for coming into Jupiter's house uninvited :)
( Styxx hates when people talk in the third person, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Reincarnation
One of my favourite cats of all time is Henry – he’s about 11 now but still going strong, a beautiful grey tabby who has the unfortunate habits of a sailor on shore leave – every night he insists on attempting to hump my leg…

Anyway, a few years ago he had been out all night, nothing unusual in the summer, he will be out all night hunting and then back inside lying in the cool of the house while it’s hot outside.

But this one particular morning he hadn’t returned…..but someone had found him on the road just down from our house.

He was in a terrible state – past the care of a vet.

So he was lovingly laid out in an old wooden fruit picking box (I lived on a farm at the time), the undamaged side on show so he just looked as if he was asleep on an old towel and we even put some wild flowers all around him.


He laid in state for a few hours….I told a few of my closest friends how upset I was that I’d lost Henry and a proper rectangular cat sized grave was dug in the garden ready for him to be laid to rest….

So there I am looking the part of the grieving parent standing over the waiting grave when up comes someone furry to rub himself around my legs in sympathy….I look down…OMG!

It’s Henry!!! So who the hell am I about to bury?

Erm…next door’s cat…..
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 11:06, Reply)

one of me ol' mates from years back
used to have a dog called Benson. A little fat cylindrical thing which sounded like he was permanently snoring, he spent most of his time sounding like a fat asthma kid on sports day or just simply barking at me. Didn't like me at all.

Me mate lived opposite a primary school, which had a small playing field and a steep 15 foot bank. Cue mate bringing Benson along. And rolling him down this slope. Repeatedly. As Benson spun, all you could hear was this snoring noise going louder and quieter, then louder and quieter until eventually the poor dog would reach the bottom of the bank. He done it to Benson about 6 times before Benson wised up and legged it home.

Poor Benson, the grunting hairy Chocolate Log of the dog world, passed away not too long afterwards. Admittedly though, I couldn't help but laugh at the circumstances of his untimely death. He'd broken through his back garden's fence into next door, only to catch and tear his bollocks on wire on the way through and the shock gave him a fatal heart attack.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 10:35, Reply)

Montie
Montie is one of the biggest, rangiest cats I've ever seen. I'm sure he thinks he's a tiger and he's got a temperament to match. He once bit through my father's thumb nail when we were trying to get him into a cat box to go to the vets.

His favourite time of year is the summer because he can go out hunting in the fields. Most mornings he arrives back with a small rabbit in his mouth and then proceeds to eat almost the whole thing, hair and all, in one sitting. All that's left are a bit of intestine, the very top of the skull and two ears. He then sleeps it off for most of the rest of the day.

However, one day he surpassed himself. He was late coming back from the fields (he usually arrives in time for our breakfast time and we sit outside and have breakfast together in the summer) and we were just clearing the table when he was spotted coming down the drive with this in his mouth:



It weighed in at just over 2lbs and he'd dragged it for about half a mile. The reason he was late was that he had to rest every few steps!

He still ate it though - took three sittings and a lot of sleeping to finish the job!
(Wonkey.Donkey, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 10:30, Reply)

Could you come with me please sir?......
FOAF who is a landscape gardener driving his Land Rover through suburban streets on his way home one summers evening a white cat bolts out from between two parked cars and BAMM nothing he could do hits it, he propmptly slams on his brakes and has a look to see what the damage is, when he walks round to the parked cars and see's an unconscious but breathing white cat laying on the pavement he decides that he can't leave a helpless animal to die slowly so does nothing more than grab a spade from the back of the landy and smashes the moggys head in to put it out of its misery (noble sentiments I hear you say) then chucks it in a sack and goes home to bury the unfortunate puss.
Fast forward about an hour and there's a knock at the door, he opens it to find 2 coppers and a frought pensioner on his door step....
Turns out that said old lady had a white cat that enjoyed basking on the hot pavement during the summer days just like this one when a big burly brute come along and bashed kittys head in, guy explains what happened from his point of view and the cops take him outside to his landy and on closer inspection find a flat cat between grill and radiator. Oooops ; )
(Womble Lover Is in the corner kicking the cat, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 10:28, Reply)

vote for this post


or little Fluffy gets it...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 10:16, Reply)

Giant African land snails
My first giant African land snail was given to me by a boyfriend about five years ago. She (they're hemaphrodites, but I decided it was a "she". Apparently when they mate they get into a sort of conga...) was only about the size of a 10p when I got her, but grew to positively monstrous proportions - it was like sharing my flat with a B-movie monster.

One time I went away for the weekend, leaving her all on her own. Now, snails are generally pretty happy on their own for a few days as long as you leave them enough food and water. As a special treat, I had left Cordelia a saucer of beer (snails love beer). I returned on Sunday evening to discover my beloved snail stuck upside down in the saucer. She had drunk the beer, fallen over, passed out, and whilst she was asleep, the remainder of the beer had evaporated, adhering her firmly to the saucer.

Up until she was about three years old, I thought that Cordelia's favourite foods were cucumber and beansprouts. That was until the day I decided to leave some leftover guacamole in her tank, on the outside chance that she might like something involving raw onion, raw garlic, lemon and chilli. I thought she'd turn her nose up at it, but she gobbled it down as if she hadn't eaten for days!

Cordelia died last year after having been a bit doddery and off her food for a while. It was very sad - my then-boyfriend cried buckets as we buried her in the garden with a can of Fosters.

RIP Cordelia :(



I've got a new one now :) He's called Jean-Paul-Pierre-Francois and doesn't like guacamole.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Not my pet but...

(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 9:44, Reply)

I got crabs
well a crab, a little brown one with red claws and one eye, I saw him down the pet shop so I plopped him in my tank with the tropical fish.
At first he ate fish food but then I decided to see what those little claws could do so I got a bunch of snails from the local pond and dropped them in. He was a little wary at first but after a bit he got stuck right in, he grabbed them with his claws and just tore them a part and munched on their insides.
Soon the snails were gone and I noticed my fish were going missing...
One day I opened the tank and there, on a little ledge just out of the water, was little one eye, chewing on a guppy.
I couldn't bring myself to dispose of the little bastard so I got a glass sphere that had been a lampshade and put it in the tank as a kind of aquatic prison were he lived out the rest of his days, snapping at the occasional tetra that got too close
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 9:43, Reply)

Well
Mine's a lovely pure-bred Science-fiction, i keep him on a short lead and only let him run around once or twice week,
at christmas i buy him a few more full stops.
My parents both complain that i'm spoiling him, but i just love to see the look on his index.
(alwyn Professional Whittler since:, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 9:32, Reply)

Labradors
Anyone who has one will know that they are basically stomachs on legs.

Our old dog Maud (named so Mother could sing, "come into the garden Maud" at her) was a terror for eating stuff. Smartest dog I've ever met, but she could eat anything.

Examples:
1. When she was young she would happily devour an entire pair of football boots
2. Was once woken up by howling akin to that of a wolf to discover that the dog had eaten an entire large loaf of wholemeal bread that had been accidentally left on the kitchen table overnight.
3. Numerous portions of sunday roast
4. Innumerable Easter Eggs (She was amazing at unwrapping them first)
5. and my personal favourite: after a trip to the theatre with the family one christmas, we returned to find that the dog had devoured an entire box of liquor chocolates that had been wrapped up under the christmas tree and was staggering around like a drunk.

I seem to recall that the only things she wouldn't eat were slugs and bananas. Clever girl.

sadly she had to be put to sleep at the grand old age of 15. The new dog is the spitting image, but smaller and with a mad glint in it's eye

that is all
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 9:25, Reply)

Third post this question
Can't let this pass without mentioning our cat Bill

Who just turned up from nowhere; he got his name from going to the vet to be 'done' (the show-off Aussie vet gave him a vasectomy) He was brilliant at climbing but you often had to help him down. Ladders was ok (if he saw one he HAD to climb it!) but trees could be trickier...
Mum also had a Brussels Griffon dog called Buttons.

Being short in the leg she often needed carrying when out for long walks (the dog, NOT Mum!) I remember walking around Bodmin with her looking out of my canvas shoulder bag taking great delight in seeing more than peoples ankles!
(chris337, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 9:23, Reply)

Sexing kittens
Anyone whose cat has had kittens will know it's a difficult job to determine their sex. Staring into furry rear ends reveals not a lot in the way of dangly bits, etc.

However, when my mum was a wee lass, the people downstairs had a cat which had kittens on a regular basis. The mother cat used to chew the ears of all of the female kittens but leave the males alone!

So anyone who wanted a female kitten was given one with mutilated ears. Probably an evolutionary disadvantage, but for domestic moggies I wouldn't imagine it was too much of a problem.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 8:59, Reply)

when we come back one day...
we found out the dog had eaten 13 easter eggs and over 100 ciggies from our holiday about a week ago. Then he started spewing. Anyway, it made my dad use the joke "spike doesnt smoke bifters, he jus eats em!" joke for... ooooh.. at least 5 years.

Never gets old.
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 8:03, Reply)

I can't verify if this is true or not...
... but my boyfriend told me this story:

A friend of his, stumbling home pissed, came across his beloved dog on the road. Dead. Presumably run over.

Vision blurred with tears, he picks it up, takes it to the back garden and buries it - crying the whole time.

The next morning he wakes up and is confronted not only by a massive hangover, but his very much alive dog licking his hand.

That's right - he had buried someone else's dog...
(winestain, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 7:09, Reply)

Phew!!!
When we lived in Paris we had a little black girl cat. She went missing for three days and finally came back with a strip of white paint all the way down her back. She smelled like a skink had got hold of her too.
(hal9001, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 6:54, Reply)

Astor Von Grumbach III
I had a French Poodle that spoke German.
( Valin I changed glasses while I wasn't looking, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 6:45, Reply)

Goldfish...
Not as loyal (stupid) as dogs, nor as fluffy as kittehs, nor as vicious as bunnies. Sadly.

But we loved our colony of goldfish.

You see, the fish often chewed and slapped themselves at each other. This reminded us of the mid-20th Cent London Gangs.

The by-far biggest two fuckers (both Comet Golds, if you're wondering) were named Ronnie and Reggie. And they even bit my sister's finger once. :)

The next was a black guppy - named Damien.
Following him was a silvery goldfish named...Rodney. Yes, Rodney. Can you see where this is going yet?

Then came the tiny, fat, bulge-eyed telescopic guppy. Supposedly to be 'Del Boy' "cus of that coat innit?", alas, my idiot sister's attempt to integrate "Del Boy" into the tank were thwarted by her carelessness...

...she only bumped the poor bugger off the vertical edge of the tank (a 70l Bio-Orb) and had him bounce into the water below. He was never the same since, had a dazed look on him at all times and swam...well...weirdly. He ended up being named "Moon Unit" as a result of his floaty behaviour and general demeanour.

Then last summer, the fish mysteriously started dying off. There was nothing we could do. But against all odds, brave little Moon Unit struggled on, bobbing away innocently as ever, until the bitter end til he was last fish standing. He died too a couple days after. They're all buried in our rose garden, with little matchstick crosses marking them.

Bless 'em, Moon Unit and co.

Length? About 5-10 cm each.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 3:07, Reply)

weird weird cat
when i got my two little boys, one was 2 months old and the other was 9 months old.

the baby was the sweetest, most loving baby......he thought i was his mummy and even meowed in a way that sounded like a baby cooing (sometimes he would even say 'mama' to me). And then he hit the kitty teen years. from that point foward, he would not have anything to do with me.........unless it was under the cover of dark.....or the other cat was not in the room. he was just too embarassed to be seen with his mummy! this went on for 9 years!!!


length............9 fucking years!!!!
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 12 Jun 2007, 2:57, Reply)

A few years ago we ran over our Red Setter in a big jeep.
it's ok, he's grand now.
(bl33dingsaint how's your father?, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 2:23, Reply)

bobble eyed bomb
Syphoning the water out of the aquarium (weekly water change) when little black bobble eyed goldfish swims past hose, and gets sucked up into the vortex. Tugging at it’s little wet fishy tale is not helping, it’s jammed in there tight. Mr Monkee has bright idea. Blow in other end of hose.
Don’t ever do that.

Length? It took about 2 minutes to scoop all the little bits of bobble eyed goldfish out of the aquarium.
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 2:09, Reply)

one more before sleep
my friend has two bichon-frises millie and charlie
charlie is a lovely old dog, who once given the chance ate a large proportion of a box of quality street wrappers and all

a few days later he was seen to be walking along with a piece of pink cellophane poking out of his bottom.
lovely.
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Tue 12 Jun 2007, 1:18, Reply)

inexplicably phobic cat
When Izzy was a kitten, he was deathly afraid of small rectangular devices. Remote controls, calculators, cell phones, oversized erasers, anything around that size and rectangular would cause him to arch his back and dance away hissing.

Larger rectangles like newspapers and computers didn't bother him, nor did books. He was fine with doors. But get an iPod near him, and he'd treat it like a cobra.

Nobody has ever come up with a good explanation for this.
( TheFelineAnarchist, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 1:15, Reply)

not my cat
but my accounts teachers
his name being harry cat a lovely black and white thing with a black patch of fur nder his nose which has the tendency to make hm look like he feline version of hitler

ive known this cat for years now, and to humans he is a excellent cat, to other animals however he is quite the little git

this is not a big cat, but in my teachers ol house (ive known this guy fgor years as i have been in his sons class every year since nursery) harry cat would think nothing of ripping the face of an alsation to shred then chasing him for quite a while after.

also said teachers other child had a cage of mice in her room, harry cat normally allowed in the room as he never bothered muc with the mice usualy, until one day he decides to sit quite close to the wire cage, and wated until one unsuspcting mouse/gerbil thing decided to get to close to the wall of th cage, cue one swift movement of harry cat's paw and drags the mouse gerbil thing throgh the cage and devours it nicely...cept the stonach which ive found cats never tend to eat, just leave in a bloody little pile on the floor

lovely
not my cat but i love him to bits :D
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Tue 12 Jun 2007, 1:14, Reply)

Axl the rat.
Another odd pet of mine was a huuuuuuuge, fat BASTARD of a rat I named Axl for some reason. He would sit on my shoulder and coo into my ear and affectionately leave trails of wee all over me and my bed when I let him out of his cage, he got really upset when I left him on my bed alone for 5 minutes to get some cheese and weed even more.

He had ear mites once and for the rest of his life had to be given this foul smelling medicine once a month through a syringe. My mum would hold him and force it down his throat and I'd quickly cram a bit of chocolate in his mouth to get rid of the taste.

I thought of him as harmless but once my cat came in and he bit him on the face when it peered into his cage.

I'm not denying I had a part to play in the size of Axl. His favourite foods included cheese, fishfingers, mini cheddars, chocolate covered dog chews and crunchy nut cornflakes (I found this out when I inadvertantly ran out of rat food on a sunday).

Such was my love for him I was once eating an ice cream cone and out of curiousity put it in his cage when I noticed him staring, he stood on his hind legs and politely licked it. We shared alot of puddings after that.


The poor fat git died of a chest infection when he was really old, but I'll never forget him. I still picture him trying to clean his belly then just rolling forward from the lardiness. Bless him.
(chakaflange, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 0:57, Reply)

Nylon poop
We had been away at the beach for the weekend, upon arriving home my husband observed one of my dogs (Doberman – a REAL dog) was having trouble doing her ‘business’ up on the lawn, and there was something hanging out of her bum. Thinking she had eaten some seaweed and it was having trouble coming out, I donned the rubber gloves and grabbed some paper towels with which to grasp, pull and remove offending protrusion from doggies bottom and headed bravely towards ground zero.
Grabbing hold of dangling ‘stuff’ I started pulling – realising it was a bit longer than originally anticipated. Cacky brown in colour, yet strangely pliable. Hand over hand I bravely keep pulling. Suddenly something goes ‘twang’ and some of the lovely cacky brown stuff flings off, narrowly missing my head. I stare in bewilderment at the ‘crotch’ part of a pair of pantyhose. Yes. My dog had eaten a whole pair of pantyhose and it had gone through her digestive system, only to emerge in it’s entirety – one leg at a time - out the business end. I finished pulling them out and she scampered off, obviously pleased that was over.
I showed them to hubby, who enquired if I was going to wash them and use them again. I didn’t.
This dog was a digestive time bomb. I have other stories.
(She was diagnosed with bone cancer in April. Had to be put to sleep. I miss her)
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 0:55, Reply)