I'm quite mild-mannered generally...
and don't argue or cross people if I can help it. I generally sit on the fence when it comes to conflicting views, even if it means nodding uncomfortably at some of my parents vaguely racist ideologies, and remaining completely neutral, just to avoid a discussion. But there is one thing I can't stand, and it's when someone points something obvious out to me as if I didn't know it, or if someone pretends like they know something, when they actually know nothing. I don't know quite why I have a problem, but I very occasionally lash out, completely out of character. Both occasions I can think of in particular were at BBQs (but different ones).

The first was at Uni. I can't remember how it came up, but we were discussing the ingredients list on tomato ketchup. I mused that per 100g of ketchup, there was in fact over 100g of tomato, as a how-do-they-do-that-but-really-I-know-how-they-do-that kind of statement. My friend chipped in, innocently,

"Well...they dehydrate them don't they...that's why there's..."

And then mid-sentence I interrupted him, shouting, "Duh! Obviously you twat! Obviously that's what they do, you cunt!"

The other time was at home, for a BBQ for my birthday. It turned out only three of my friends were actually free to come to my BBQ, so my parents padded it out with some of their friends. Amongst them a know-nothing-know-it-all who knows my dad. I'll call him Dave, not out of anonymity, but because I can't genuinely remember his name. He talked with a scientific vocabulary and conviction that persuaded my parents he knew a lot. In reality, he knew nothing. Anyway, suddenly, from underneath one of the garden chairs that had been sat in the leafy corners of the patio for months, crept the mother of all house spiders, right across my mum's midriff. She screamed, and flung in onto the table where my dad caught it under a glass. He flipped it up, and started shaking it about, laughing and joking about making it dizzy. My mum, though startled, told my dad to stop being so mean to it, and that it was 'animal cruelty'.

It was then that Dave chipped in, in a condescending tone. "What? It's not an animal you silly begger!" to my mum. My ears pricked up.

"Well what is it then?" said my mum.

"Well, it's an insect isn't it! You daft woman!" he replied.

I then stood up, at the other end of the table, and walked over. "It is an animal, you fucktard. And it's not an insect, it's an arachnid, which are both classes in the animal kingdom, you absolute bell end!"

I then took the spider, and stormed off, throwing it back into the undergrowth, leaving the whole table in complete silence.
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:11, 15 replies)

wow, you certainly told him.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:14, closed)

It was a house spider
The first thing a house spider will do when thrown into the undergrowth, is walk right back into the nearest building. It's why they're called "house" spiders.

Plus, they're not an endangered species. Just squish them if you don't like them or, better still, leave them alone. Putting them outside is no more friendly to their welfare than repeating chucking your cat in a pond - it won't hurt the animal, just piss them off.

Sorry, I just have too many friends who, on seeing a house spider, demand that it be removed from their sight, but when I just lamp at it say "awww, don't kill it...". None of them is a Buddhist, what the fuck do they care one spider more or less?
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:53, closed)

Why would you have to be Buddhist to not want to squish something?
=/
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:04, closed)

I don't really get your reply...
Who was it aimed at? Me? My mum? I didn't throw it into the undergrowth to save it from being killed. I did it because it stopped any further discussion on the matter. I could have easily squished it, eaten it, or pulled down my pants, and shat on it to achieve the same effect. Were you just commenting on the contrary nature of my mum finding spiders repulsive, yet not wanting to see it killed? I don't think that's such a strange concept. I don't want to see any animal killed for no reason, but there are plenty I'll quite happily stay hundreds of meters from - a great white shark being one I can think of.

Furthermore...house spiders don't always live in houses. I'm pretty sure that they evolved millions of years before houses existed. They don't automatically go into a house if you put them somewhere. They find any nook and cranny to hide in. Sometimes it's a house. In this case, we were outside in the garden eating, which kind of scuppers your argument right there. In the middle of the summer (when the BBQ took place), a house is the last place you'd find a house spider. They're far more successful hunters outside where food is plentiful and they blend into their backgrounds much better.

But then...maybe you're trying to set me off on one knowing how I react...:P
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:26, closed)

tl:dr read version: "I'm obnoxious"
Actually, apply that to at least 75% of this weeks answers and save yourself some reading time.

Maybe pop out and enjoy the sunshine instead.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:53, closed)

I like this.
I never have the guts to do that. I just laugh silently at them behind their back.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:05, closed)

I bet you get invited to lots of parties

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:04, closed)

i bet he wonders why he only had 3 people turn up,
and the rest were a pity-fuck from his mum.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:12, closed)

Meh...
I don't think the reaction was that out of place. If someone essentially called your mum stupid for saying something which was 100% correct, I think you're entitled to drop at least one f-bomb in their defence.
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:28, closed)

a pity fuck
still means that you had sex
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:22, closed)

...with his Mum...

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:14, closed)

You should get counselling for your anger issues.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:31, closed)

Excellent - click
Glad to see that staying awake in high school science paid off so handsomely. I have a low tolerance for arrogant stupidity as well.
(justin(e), Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:41, closed)

So, you lead a mate on so you could swear at them.
I'll admit the guy who though arachnids aren't insects was being a tosser, but your mate was just making conversation and answering your "clever" remark about the ketchup. You were being more of a know-it-all cunt pointing out about the ketchup ingredients than your mate was simply stating the obvious.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:35, closed)

Oh...I don't care about people being know-it-alls...
that's fine. You can be as much of a know-it-all as you like. Fill your boots. If you know stuff, flaunt your knowledge. But don't act like you know something when you don't. That really grinds my gears.

And anyway, I didn't 'lead him on'. I didn't intentionally throw that out so I could be a twat to someone. I made a jokey comment about something I assumed was so obvious that the joke worked, and apparently it didn't come off so well. I admit it was a cunty reply, but it wasn't on purpose.

Imagine going on a sailing trip, and jokingly saying, "let's not go too far, in case we fall off the edge!" and someone turns to you and informs you that the Earth's actually round, after genuinely thinking you thought it was flat. In my head it was that absurd.
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 22:19, closed)