Some More Bus Fun...
It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back, well away from the poor dishevelled single mum and her two young mischievous boys at the front. The little terrors couldn't have been much older than six or seven, and were obviously starting to become bored by the journey.

When the bus was about ten minutes away from the final stop, the boys began to squabble with each other. This continued for five minutes or more, before the pair finally erupted into a violent bout of fisty-cuffs. All of a sudden, one of them started to cry having just been poked in the eye by his brother.

Only muffled sounds of a 'telling off' could be heard over the noise of the engine and other passengers. That is, until mum decided she'd finally had enough of diplomacy and lost all control of the volume of her voice. All that anyone on the bus could hear was one stressed woman's cries of, "WELL MAYBE HE SAID THAT BECAUSE YOU *ARE* A COCK MONKEY!!!"

The woman, suddenly realising her outburst was shockingly inappropriate, turned bright red with shame whilst I lost all control of my bladder laughing...
(damndirtyape, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 1:13, Reply)

Don't mess with a Glaswegian mama
... In Glasgow, a large and youngish woman was yelling at her little boy, who had a glum and defiant look on his face. She then gives him a hard slap on his bottom. The female of an older German couple nearby can't help herself and says to the mother, "In Germany we do not hit our children!" To this, the mother replies, "Well in Scotland, we don't gas our Jews!"

Glaswegians...
(nordicapollo, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:41, Reply)

Chubby 5yr old on the bus this morning
Mum: 'So what we going to have for lunch then Bobby?'

Bobby: 'Monkeys and Cabbage!'
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 10:57, Reply)

In another queue, this time I think it was McDonalds or something,
anyway, there is the typical charva family in front of me, a fourteen year old girl with her child in a Burberry decorated buggy (I'm not joking) and the 16 year old father.

The chav mother says something to the father of her child but it was mumbled.

Chav father says "What was that Spunktrench?"
and she answers (as if being called spunktrench is completely normal) "I just said, I think Courtney's shit herself again".
( fassit is old, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:52, Reply)

On a packed bus yesterday...
A particularly young scally mother got on, now there was some bloke sat in the bit for mothers and babies so he dutifully moved. This scally bitch then starts on at this nice young man, "you shouldn't have been fuckin sat there int first place fuckin cock..." you get the picture. This Guy calmly turns round and says loud for the whole bus to here, "It's not just your legs you have trouble keeping shut I see!" Everyone pissed.
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 11:05, Reply)

Bless 'em
A friend overheard two old dears on a bus (cue Bristol accents...)

Old Dear A: 'Ere, you'll never guess what's 'appened to Doris. She's only gone and died!

Old Dear B: What, old Doris? That's not like 'er, she ain't never done that before...
(clapper, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:37, Reply)

Camping?
Due to being a poor student etc etc, i work part time at the large ASDA superstore near me. I work on the "seasonal" department - barbeques in the summer, christmas trees in the winter and so on.
Anyway, i was stacking away camping equipment onto some shelves with a female colleague when a rather irate looking gent walks in our direction. The said colleague proceeds to deal with the complaint made by said customer.
It turns out that he had wanted to buy a cheap tent to go camping in - he picked one off the shelf and paid for it, then straight from the shop went camping in North Wales (he had done some shopping for food too). Living in Portsmouth, this is obviously quite some way to travel without prior knowledge of your tent.

It turns out that this bloke had actually picked up a folding canvas CHAIR which had been put on the wrong space on the shelf, not even bothered to check the receipt due to his enthusiastic want of getting away, and gone all the way to North Wales with only a small camping chair to camp underneath!

I had to go round the corner to the next aisle due to a severe attack of laughter, the colleague followed me after dealing with the complaint and we couldn't stand up for laughing.

I'm just glad he didn't complain to me, would have laughed in his face!
( Goon, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:11, Reply)

on a bus
son: "mummy, can i look in the box? can i look in the box, please?"
mother: "no"
son: "aww, why not?"
mother: "because he's gone to heaven"
(moik, Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:33, Reply)

Overheard in the queue at the baker's
Little boy (carrying a little toy cash register): Mum?
Mum: Yes?
Boy: Can you scratch my penis?
Mum: Put the cash register down and scratch it yourself.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:30, Reply)

Stuff You've Overheard
I was once in a supermaket about 20 years ago when i heard a little girl giving her poor mother a hard time at the checkout because she wanted some smarties.
Girl: Mummy i want some smarties.

Mother: No your going to have your tea when you get home.

Girl: Well if you don't let me have some smarties i will tell everyone you were kissing Daddys willie when i got out of bed last night.

The mother promply went bright red and left the store and the shopping without paying.

The Moral of the story is don't give head when the kid can get out of bed.
(shorty, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 9:18, Reply)

Overheard at the tower of London
On a guided tour a young American lady mentions to her partner "Gee this looks old enough to be pre-war"

The tour guide pipes up "Madam, the whole tower is pre-America"

Cue stifeled giggles from the others on the tour party.
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 10:27, Reply)

Oranges..
On the bus home, late 80s, in Coventry... packed upstairs, usual british silence and ignoring each other, apart from 2 schoolkids, chatting happily away, and one says..
"What's orange and round?"
"Dunno..."
"An Orange."

I appreciate that kind of crap joke and carried on listening to hear..
"What's orange and wears checked trousers?"
"Dunno..."
"Rupert the orange."

This is amusing, I think and continue to hear..
"Whats orange and hard?"
"Dunno..."
"An orange with a flick-knife."

and the entire top deck of the bus cracks up and these 2 small boys look around in astonishment....
(thebadangel, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 7:57, Reply)

My girlfiend was on holiday in Indonesia
one evening, through the thin walls of her hostal room she heard a couple getting friendly in the corridoor, muffled giggles and moans made their way past her door and fell into the room next to hers. She couldn't stop herself listening, the walls were thin and the couple were loud. A matter of seconds went by before the girl let out the harrowing cry, in a pefectly Essex accent; "Nigel, NIGEL! STOP! ... you've still got your sovereigns on!"
( Nath, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:07, Reply)

Cucumbers
2 old ladies passed me on the street once, but all I heard was:

"One cucumber amongst thirty-five of them, Joyce"
(friday, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 7:57, Reply)

Overheard
I was standing in a queue waiting my turn and there is a little boy and his dad in front.

The kid is leaping about singing something, firing his imaginary gun whilst asking a million questions. His dad says 'Charles will you settle down and stop arsing about' to which Charles replys 'Daddy, I am a 6 year old child, it is my job to arse around.'
(smithsonian, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:26, Reply)

In Amsterdam
Overheard two obviously excited teenagers talking:

Teen 1 - "What shall we do?"
Teen 2 - "Get stoned or shag a whore?"
Teen 3 - "Fuck it, let's do both"

Good work lads
(Joons, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:35, Reply)

Americans
Not overheard but I was in Edinburgh a while ago and had just crossed a road, using the traffic lights, the sort that bleep so you know when to cross. Anyway, there's a couple of dumb fuc* yanks on the other side. The woman says to me "Excuse me, but why do thiose traffic lights bleep"
Me "So the blind can use them"
DFY "That's amazing, in my country the blind can't drive."
(Mong-the-Merciful, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:24, Reply)

Couple on a bus in Bristol
"I loves yer,
I shags yer,
I buys yer chips
and yer still does me 'ead in"
(Attica, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:58, Reply)

I was getting changed for swimming and two kids in the cubicle next to me were talking about the end of the world...
1: Did you know the sun's going to explode?

2: No.... When's that going to happen?

1: Oh, ages yet. About two or three hundred year's time.

2: Wow.... What're we going to do then?

1: Dunno. They'll probably make another one.

Fantastic.
( Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:35, Reply)

can't help but overhear
my friend's gran who's hearing is going, so friendly advice whispered in your ear gets broadcast to the whole room, like

'DON'T GET FAT LIKE YOUR DAD', who was standing right next to me,

or muttering to herself while flicking through some of the more adult chanels on Sky

'IF I'D KNOWN ABOUT ORAL SEX BEFORE I GOT MARRIED I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED'




I also overheard a fragment of a row between two blokes walking past me at the Ashton Court Festival several years back, with one of the blokes saying

"of for god's sake I can't take you anywhere!" then under his breath and slightly dispondently "not even up the arse"
(lankygingerfool, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 8:24, Reply)

Man on phone
Was walking through Gloucester city centre with a friend a couple of months back when we were approached by a man in a suit talking rather urgently into his mobile. As he passed us, we both heard a snippet of his end of the conversation;

"No, how can it be my fault? He wasn't on fire when I left!"

The mind boggles...
( Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:07, Reply)

Russians on the tube
A couple of oriental-looking girls were sat opposite me on the tube some time last year. But it turned out that they were Russian speakers - and obviously didn't consider that anyone else might be able to understand them. It seems to be quite a common affliction among foreigners in London. After criticising my dress sense (fair enough) one went on to tell the other matter-of-factly about how one of her regulars kept doing her up the arse even though she'd told him she didn't like it and he was too rough. They proceeded to debate if it would be worth finding another pimp who could get them a better class of clientele.

Another time my wife and I sat down on a train next to a Russian-speaking woman who was talking on her mobile. It turned out that she ran a scam bringing illegal immigrants into the country then getting them jobs in factories and on farms whilst ripping them off for rent and travel costs. She'd just brought 40 people into the country who'd paid her £1000 each for the privilege, but she couldn't find any work for them and they were all now penniless and starving. She was planning in detail with her partner how to do a runner and go set up shop in a different town.

Last week I was sat opposite another couple of miserable-looking Russians who weren't saying much. One of them announced to his friend that his girlfriend had dumped him, to which his friend replied 'Why, did you beat her?'
( numberbruncher - correct by nature, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 0:03, Reply)

overheard on a bus...
One woman to another.. 'You still got that disease? y'knoe that one that gives ya an itchy vag?'
other woman 'Naw, the cream i got from the doctor cleared it all up, and he never knew I got it from his brother'.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 9 Jun 2004, 23:52, Reply)

Our loudmouthed 'friends' from across the sea...
Living in Sweden, you'd be amazed how loud the Americans appear to be when they're here on holiday. (well.. probably not)

I've overheard the most amazing things...
the best being a pair of Americans sat on the train discussing the many present lasses at full volume, in lurid detail, and assuming that noone understood them... pig-ignorant loud-mouthed biggots that they can be at times...
(I now have american family members... I have to say that not ALL Americans are obnoxious)

Swedes avoid conflict if at all possible, so noone said or did anything.. to start with.

They'd embarrassed themselves badly and offended many people.. and as the journey drew to an end they got up to get off, and walked past the most stunning girl on the train, Staring at her as if she was for sale...

I take my hat off to her... she stared back and said in perfect english, "Do you realise that 90% of swedes understand English perfectly, and that you've just insulted most of the people on this train while they were sat here listening to you?"
Then with a totally dissarming smile said "Well, it doesn't matter... we all know that americans are big-headed and ignorant: that's why most of europe dispises you"

The carriage applauded. One of the two guys, obvioulsy a bit pissed about the whole thing, issued the following text-book line... "yeah? well America's the most powerful country in the world, so fuck you!"

Someone piped up in Swedish with "ja, men där fins alla världens chocka idioter där" (litterally translated 'yes, bit it's populated with all the worlds fat idiots)... a simple reposte, but it braught the house down.

They left the train amidst applause.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:02, Reply)

Odd Yorkshiremen!
In a pub toilet in Huddersfield years ago, when two men approaching pensionable age walk in.
They're totally silent for ages until one of them booms out,
"You can tell these lavatories were made between 1918 and 1922"
"Why's that then?"
There was a reasonable pause, and the other one said with alarming authority,
"Grouting.......second to none".

Luckily I had weeweed, so i just walked away giggling.
( mushybees NEBUSHI SHANGHUNG!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:04, Reply)

Radio Shack social justice vigilantes.
I once worked for a few years at a Radio Shack store in the mid to late 80s: business had become quiet ever since the new supermall had opened a couple of miles away with its own RS and we found ourselves with a lot of idle time during the afternoon periods.

One of my friends who also worked there was a fantastic electronic tinker: when bored, he would routinely open up the various boxes of electronic gadgetry and tweak them for improved performance. Many a customer must have received a pleasant surprise when they found their two way radio sets now had an operational range of five miles instead of the advertised and FCC-limited one thousand yards; or when they opened up their new Pro-34 programmable multiband radio scanner and discovered it was several orders more sensitive as well as capable of accessing all the supposedly locked out cellphone and private police frequencies. We would keep one of the modified Pro-34s as a display unit and during slow periods set it to scan for interesting conversations over the supposedly private airwaves.

One afternoon we were listening to cellphone dialups and my friend was idly writing down the phone numbers being called: prior to the modern network system the touch tones were still in use and it was child's play for him to identify telephone numbers from their tone frequencies. We usually just tossed the numbers in the garbage as the calls themselves were relatively harmless: dope dealers discussing their latest hauls or a couple of punks discussing which of their friends they were going to rip off that afternoon. One evening, however, we came across a call which drove us to action.

The radio locked onto the phone call as the carrier went high, so the phone number was easy to capture: it was a fairly innocuous sounding discussion between an overworked businessman and his wife, who asked him to come home to dinner and spend some time with the kids and his repeated refusal to show up soon, citing a huge backlog of extra paperwork to get through before closing on some important deal. With a resigned sigh, she relented and told him she would try to keep things warm upon his return, whereupon she hung up.

The radio did not resume scanning: this could only mean the guy on the other end had kept carrier high in order to dial another number. Quickly perking up, my friend hit the lock button to keep the scanner from drifting after this particular session and hurriedly jotted down the number being dialed and leaned in towards the scanner's loudspeaker. When the answer came, it was the sound of a young lady asking who was calling. The businessman identified himself to her whereupon she expressed great pleasure with his call, followed quickly by his saying, "I'll be right over, honey." The carrier dropped at that point. We stared at the now softly hissing scanner, then almost simultaneously looked at each other and said, "Bastard!"

It took us a few minutes to decide on a plan of action: as I seem to have a talent for turning a wrong number call into a full conversation I dialed the number of the housewife and, quickly explaining that this was not a wrong number I adamantly tried to convince her to call up the other phone number in a half hour's time and keep calling until someone answered, then ask for her husband to come to the phone. I quickly explained our "accidental" eavesdropping and said such a wonderful sounding lady did not deserve to be treated in this manner. I never knew what happened afterwards but she thanked me and hung up. This happened about sixteen years ago before the vaunted "caller ID" systems were widely implemented so we did not fear any sort of reprisals along those lines: in today's world it seems accidental SMS and email address errors reveal far more indiscretions any airwave vigilantes could hope to equal.
( Felis Concolor, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 2:07, Reply)

In Bali
a rotund, perspiring American gentleman was having trouble making himself understood to the pidgin-english speaking chappie at the train ticket office.

No matter how loud or slowly he spoke, he couldn't understand what the local chappie was saying. Exasperated and needing help, our yankee doodle dandy turned round to my australian friend's dad, who was behind him in the queue:

"Excuse me, do YOU speak American?" asked the American.

"American? No, mate" replied the Aussie.

And with that, the American turned back to the ticket office counter and continued his painful dialogue, wishing for all the world for someone who spoke his language.
(bloodydoorsoff, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:38, Reply)

At a theatre production of "Macbeth".
There were these two old ladies behind us in the audience.
When Macbeth delivered the line which begins "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow", i heard one of the ladies say to her friend "Oh, that will make it Thursday"
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:44, Reply)

Walking along the high street
Some Bloke into his phone : "You fucking divorced me, you can pay the little shit's school fees"

Class.
( bowdie, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:53, Reply)

"Accidental paedophile sounding scary bad moments of embarrasment and shame."
I have two, both involving my 6 year old neice...

1) About a year back, my neice and I were sitting on the sofa, just playing in a normal friendly way like you do. I was poking my neice in the arm and then looking up etc etc. Well, somehow (i can't remember the exact workings of it), but it turned out her arm was magical. So anyway she's pretending to be sleeping, doing really obvious and eccentric snoring noises, so I go hehe, and poke her in the arm. Now, what happens? She runs up to my mum and said "Gwandma! Matthew touched me in my special place when I was sleeping".

Dear jesus. My mum was pissing herself, and so was I. Later on when she told my sister about it, my sister looked like she believed it for a second. The bitch...

2) This time was about 3 months ago, with the same neice. I was walking home from school, and i was walking on one side of the road. My neice and nephew were walking along the other side of the road, and i'd just met up with them (they went to the primary school). Now, my neice has this habit of pulling her trousers up to her armpits and tucking her jumper in. Not just her tshirt, her jumper too. "It keeps ma belly warm", I quote.

Anyway, she's walking along, looking like I just described. I'm walking with my friends, and I shouted across the road, perfectly innocently, "Izzie, pull your trousers down!". Everyone laughed. A lot. "No no no, i mean lower! Pull them lower! B-b-b-because they're high! Too high! N-n-not because they- ".

Arrgh! The shame!

Sorry about the length...
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 12:34, Reply)