Clyde Frog.
During my thankfully brief drumming career, me and some guys from school had a band, and we tried real hard and rehearsed a grand total of three times before grabbing a support slot in the back room of the local underage drinking den. The climax of our triumphant three-song set was PJ Harvey's "Down By The Water" for which we drafted in a special guest vocalist. After ten minutes of murdering the song as hard as we could we finally set down out instruments and were stood around in the traditional self-congratulatory huddle when we were approached by a thirty-something member of the audience. "Wow," he said, "that last track was really avant-garde. I'm impressed!"

We had intended to do a straight cover.

That was our last gig.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:09, Reply)

Technicolour Yawn
I was in a band called Technicolour Yawn.
I'm pretty sure we got gigs from landlords who wanted their pubs emptied - or at least we should have.
We had a gig booked in a hall to commemorate the Hilsborough disaster a year after it happened (so 91, 92?). The hall was packed, at least until our third song. I'm surprised they stayed that long to be honest. We played some Whitesnake cover (very badly) if I remember and that pretty much finished them off. Emptied in less than 10 minutes.
A few weeks later there was a huge bike show, we got booked by a large pub that had been let down by a band at the last minute.
Of course, we thought "Bikers eh? We'll need to rock it up a little."
Que "Sultans of Swing" with the gain turned to 11 and a pub with aproximately 250 bikers in it, being reduced to about 4 within 3 minutes. At the end of the song, some grebo walked past muttering "crap, just crap".
He was quite right though.
Of course, the landlord refused to pay us and I was too embarrassed to do anything about it. The bass player stayed and argued for hours until he was paid...but that says it all I think.
(dchurch bah, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:04, Reply)

Any kind of black metal band
who uses the word "true" to describe themselves.
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:58, 6 replies)

Everybody wants something
they'll never give up.
Everybody wants something
they'll take your money...
and never give up.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:57, 1 reply)

The band I was in was so bad
that we never actually played anywhere.

On the up side, we were called DJ Judas and the Inflatable Fun-Popes.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:57, 2 replies)

Check out this shite...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFIdNr1PGCM

Awesomeness.

Sorry, I just needed to block out all the references to shite pop songs threatening to get stuck in my head...

/grabs coat on the way out to read the qotw topic
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:45, 1 reply)

Vanilla you say?
No-way, No-way.

Man-ha-man-ha
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:41, Reply)

Embrace
(in annoying warbly gimp voice) "Get back to what you know, take everything reaaaaal sloooow"

Always made my skin crawl that one, heartfelt badger cnut fisters.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:36, 2 replies)

Kunt and the gang
As b3ta now appears to be his official fan club...

I saw him at the Rebellion festival in 2008. He was funny for about 5 minutes but then the juvenile references to his cock quickly became boring.

He's got better to be fair.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:34, 9 replies)

Nickelback
for being a piss poor attempt at being Nirvana, and failing so miserably it actually makes me cringe. Poor Kurt must be spinning in his grave like a lathe.

And for selling out and letting the song Rockstar be covered in some fucking furniture store advert.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:16, 7 replies)

There are quite a lot of bands that are not actually bad
but their musical abilities are questionable.

OMD's early stuff is pretty crap, from an execution point of view. A flock of seagulls were hideously talentless - their drummer used to have me in stitches with his slightly out of time and rather panicky style.

But they can't be called bad, they (and a fair few others) were very successfull.

Most of the bands named so far at least have musical ability. Any nominations for crap musicians, even if they are succesfull? - vocal groups/boybands excepted, we can take for granted they're shite musicians.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:02, 3 replies)

Perhaps not the worst band ever,
but certainly symptomatic of one of the worst fucking blights on the music industry:

Paramore.

Certainly not as offensive as Aiden, but, and this is true of so many bands these days, if Hayley Williams weighed 25 stone, do you think you'd have fucking heard of Paramore?...


( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 15:01, 18 replies)

Queen, no hear me out.
I like a lot of their songs. I like all of the Night at the Opera album (though The Prophet Song goes on a bit), but they're still shit in comparison to how highly some people laud them up, nay, worship them.

"Ooh, Freddie was a great showman" they chant, a fuck awful cliche that grates on my mind. He wasn't a great showman, he was a great musician, get it fucking right. Jean-Michel Jarre is a great showman. He turned the centre of Paris into one big stage and didn't charge the 2 million people who showed up to watch. He didn't mince about on stage in a leotard.

They were/are a great band, but in line with this weeks topic, they are the worst band ever relative to some people's bizarre inflated opinion of them.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:59, 18 replies)

That band that I don't like
but other people do. The complete cunts.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:51, 10 replies)

The problem with being passionate about music,
is that that also leads me to fucking hate a lot of it. I sense this could be the second of many story posts from me this week....

Whilst I think Prinzhorn Dance School are the worst band of all time (see explanation earlier), this band are a close fucking second:

Aiden.

Watch this video to fully understand the rant that is undoubtedly going to follow.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPEf0jhGOyw

I'm not even going to criticise this one, I'm just going to go on at length about what I'd like to do to Wil Francis and that tubby emo guitar playing bitch.

I would like to make Wil Francis get in the back seat of a car, drive him out into the wilderness, tie him to a tree, flagellate him for several hours with a birch sapling, then abandon him to be eaten by a grizzly bear, later returning to piss on the remains and then fire them out of a cannon into the north fucking sea. And that goes for that tubby emo guitar playing bitch too.

Oh go on then: This video sums up everything that is wrong with emo music. The ridiculous posturing, the over-emotional delivery of substandard pop punk music, the frankly appalling lyrics, the sort of dress sense that would make Tim Burton point you out and go "you look like a wanker". But worst of all, absolutely worst of all and all joking aside here, is the fucking glorification of suicide, depression and self harm. It's not fucking cool in any way you pathetic piece of shit. You make a career out making teenage kids think it's ok to be depressed or worse and moreover, that it's cool to be. You're a piece of shit, and you should be stopped violently.

End of story.
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:51, 4 replies)

And also!
Girls aloud. Glad that shit petered out. They just sing utter non sense, "Let's go eskimo!" let's not girls, let's not.

Jamie Oliver launches a campaigne to get processed food out of schools and becomes a national hero, I say we try the same with Simon Cowel's shitty processed music.
(Mong goose, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:51, 12 replies)

Single joke tribute bands
Yeah, some of them are quite good. But it's depressing that you head out into town and every band you see is doing somebody else's material.

Still, larf at a couple of local tribute acts, who at least put some imagination into their names:

* Stereoironics

* AC/Beebies
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:46, 5 replies)

OK, well here's my second nomination, and it's me again
I used to play in a brass band when I was a teenager.

In the Brass band world, they have things called 'sections', which are vaguely analogous to Football leagues. The top of the tree was the championship section, which would be (relatively) well known bands like the Black Dyke and the Brighouse and Rastrick.

Then you have the 1st, 2nd and 3rd sections. These are all considered competent, if not particularly good as you get lower down the sections. 3rd section is barely musical.

My band was 4th section. rather kindly refereed to as a 'social' group. Nuff said.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:45, 3 replies)

The ting tings
Utter shite, every one seemed to love them despite just being shit.
(Mong goose, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Chris de Fucking Burgh
Do I need to say anymore?
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:43, 10 replies)

The Foo Fighters
I hate the Foo Fighters:

I like Rage Against the Machine, Aerosmith, Guns and Roses and
often my rock loving friends say lets listen to the Foo Fighters.

I say no way, bundle of shite, don't put that on. In fact I am always slightly surprised that my friends are listening to that stuff.

I refuse to listen to any of their songs. The reason for this hate?

I couldn't stand that number 1 they had in 1996.

Thrain

p.s
I don't believe this any more. I realised in about 2004.
(thrain, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:41, 3 replies)

Gonna nick from my own blog here
And point out that their website has now changed, but the points still stand:

Prinzhorn Dance School.

I feel like I owe it to you to introduce you to possibly the shittest band this side of the Arctic Monkeys. Because I'm a bastard. And I want you to suffer like I suffer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4AG3r-2aM0

Allow me to be rather self indulgent for a moment and quote my own blog in a post about how to write "quirky" music:

"Firstly, write a totally shit song that no-one actually likes, including yourself. If possibly try to make the lyrics a bit off the wall. Writing about something specific and mundane that absolutely no-one else can, or would want to, relate to is usually a good way of doing this. For example, you could write about the rusty hinges on your back gate. Or you could write about a yoghurt you once ate.

Next, record your song with a couple of your dickhead friends that can't actually play their instruments. Preferably, rope someone in who has never even played an instrument before, then teach them literally just enough to get to the end of the song. It doesn't matter if it's not great sounding, it's quirky. Alternatively, you can take on the role of "band" yourself, and record all your backing on the shittiest sounding 8 track recorder you can get your hands on. This makes you look especially quirky, because no-one uses 8 tracks anymore. Except people trying to be quirky.

Next call yourself, or your band, something that makes you sound like a gang of pretentious wankers. Again, you could reference so utterly mundane and self-specific that to anyone else it sounds like a catchy name thought up off the top of your head. Something like "Prinzhorn Dance School" ought to do it..."

Having done a little further research it turns out that Prinzhorn Dance School are apparently named after a Doctor Prinzhorn, famous for studies into mental health. Whilst not exactly self specific, I would like to point out that this study is obscure enough for it to sound like they thought of it off the tops of their heads, and as for mundanity, well it doesn't get much better than medical reports from the early 1900's does it? And as for sounding like a group of pretentious wankers? Well...

The mundane element is especially prevalent in this bands music. Allow me to quote further, from their review on allmusic.com:

"Repetition is another Prinzhorn Dance School obsession, and the one that makes the band polarizing. While "Crash, Crash, Crash" and "I Do Not Like Change" (which could be another PDS manifesto) come close to monotony, for most of the album the band's purposely limited sounds don't get in the way of them telling a story in their own fragmentary style"

I'm sorry, in what way can monotony be considered a good thing? And this is from a review that sings the praises of the band. I must have missed the announcement that told us that it's actually OK for music to be relentlessly boring and repetitive, I mean, it's different right?

Well, yeah, it is. But it's still monotonous and repetitive. Different doesn't mean good. It means "different". Something can be different and shit at the same time. And Prinzhorn Dance School are both. I'm sorry to have to resort to such basic, unintelligent commentary on the matter, but truly the most accurately descriptive phrase that could be applied to them are "they are shit". If a dog turd was musical, it would sound like Prinzhorn Dance School. If excrement could play the bass, it'd play the bass like Prinzhorn Dance School. If crap could sing, it'd sing like the guy from Prinzhorn Dance School. You get the idea...

It makes me wonder just how much of the bands sound really is "purposely limited", and how much of it just comes down to a lack of musical ability. Their website claims "we just take the sounds in our heads and record them on a cheap recording machine in an old building..." (which, incidentally, ties in rather nicely with what I said earlier about all so called quirky music being recorded on shitty recording equipment in order to sound 'Quirky'...). I mean, fuck, if the sounds in your head equates to a poorly played bass, poorly played guitar, and some of the most woeful vocals I've ever had the misfortune to hear then I'm guessing musical vision isn't exactly your forte. Saying their sound is "purposely limited" is like saying my knowledge of 12th century Greek architecture is "purposely limited". I know it exists, but could I tell you any more about it? No, could I fuck. Could Prinzhorn Dance School do anything with more scope than 2 dickheads twatting about with musical instruments which, quite frankly, should be taken off them? Again, no. A resounding no.

The band has a chance to redeem itself however, via lyrical content. Punk was never the most technically challenging or accomplished music, but it made up for it in sheer attitude and, for a while at least, having something to say. So does Prinzhorn Dance School save itself from that pit of absolute sub-par musical worthlessness by having some sort of hidden agenda?

Well, would I still be fucking writing if it did?

The truth is, their lyrics are, if anything, less imaginative than the music. At least the music requires some brain activity, if only to stimulate the limbs. It would seem that their vocal articulation is limited to simply saying things that exist. Or, in one truly tragic example, counting.

Not that Mr Hip Indie Music Critic writing the allmusic review would agree with that. Oh no. He ends one particularly misguided passage with a reference to:

"..."Worker"'s social commentary ("Mental health/Pills on a shelf")."

I'm sorry, what? Care to elaborate on that at all? Not only is that bad journalism, it's bullshit to boot. In what form can that be considered social commentary? Did I fucking miss something at university? Roland Barthes wrote social commentary. Theodor Adorno wrote social commentary. Jean Baudrillard wrote social commentary. This...This is simply two sentences that rhyme. And not even complete sentences at that. Actually, you're just saying two things that exist.

In some sort of wider context I could perhaps appreciate the understated meaning of the line. But, as with all of these pompous, elitist fuckwits that write this sort of drivel, he's reading in his own meanings that, whether there or not, can't actually be proven because of a distinct lack of context.

But maybe that's the point. By keeping things vague, or "purposely limited", you allow yourself to simply agree with whatever meanings the important people throw at you. Hell, if Mr Hip Indie Music Critic wants to read that meaning into it, why not let him? He'll probably only cream himself more for your next album when he gets the opportunity to review it, and once again prove to his readership how he has his skinny little indie fingers on the pulse of the scene, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of shit and self congratulatory indulgence. Maybe Prinzhorn Dance School are actually like Indie Simon Cowell's, deliberately pumping out shit to squeeze every penny out of the idiots who will pay for it?

And here's something else that pisses me right off. Why, on a website about your band, under the link "Pictures Of The Horn", would you include shitty fucking "arty" pictures you have taken at various pointless fucking locations around the world? If I'm clicking a link that purports to show me pictures of the band, sorry, "The Horn", why would I then want to look at pictures of a fucking teapot, or some shitty fucking collage you did? The answer: I don't.

These subtle little inclusions don't make me go "wow, these guys are really arty" or "hahaha, these guys are so wacky and 'out there'! ", although I suspect for a lot of people they do, they simply make me go "Wow. You utter gang of cunts." Am I supposed to be somehow impressed because you made a teapot? You obviously consider it of such worth that you include it on your fucking website.

And heres another choice quote written by the band themselves:

"people have written a lot about us and our music recently. we don't read much of it - reading about yourself is not good. it will send you insane. but this is what some people have said about the music we have released so far..."

I'm sorry, come again? Here you seem to be basically saying "We don't read about ourselves, but have a look at what we've read about ourselves." This isn't just remarkably contradictory, it also points to that atypical Indie "humbler-than-thou" attitude that is absolutely neccessary in order to keep the wool pulled down firmly over the eyes of their fanbase. It just simply isn't cool to say "hey, people like us", you have to sort of divert that into some sort of personal statement about how in no way, shape or form is it about being famous, and it's all about the music. The shitty, badly recorded, badly played and badly written music.

It's the same contradictory attitude that pisses me off about bands in any genre. If you're not interested in being popular, or famous as it's more commonly known, WHY SIGN A FUCKING RECORD DEAL???

Why have videos on MTV? Why play gigs? If the band is just about recording the sounds in your heads, why have I heard of you? You can at least have the modesty to admit that actually, you would quite like to be liked. Why not say "to record the sounds in our heads, and play them to people?" Why not even "to play a few gigs"?

Nooooooooooo, that would undermine the artistic integrity of the band. The artistic integrity of the band that somehow manages to manifest itself in very poorly written music and generic Indie weirdness (and that's an oxymoron).

Well, here's an artistic idea for you; take your shitty band, your shitty website, your shitty ideas, and your shitty fucking teapot, and just fuck off back to a time when I'd never heard of you, or your fucking appalling "music". Or better yet, why don't you have some sort of horrific fatal accident?

And you, Mr Hip Indie Music Critic, you can fucking join them too. I hope you all get fucking killed.
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:39, 16 replies)

Please not again……
Thankfully a couple of replies regarding less well known bands have been posted already so this one wont look too out of place.

A few years back during the summer I had taken a couple of weeks off with my mates and decided to celebrate the hot weather with a day on the lash. The first few places were ok but eventually we ended up in the roughest boozer in town which was also having a live music night with one of its regular acts.

Jesus Christ what a terrible shower of shite that was. When I first walked in we thought that the singer for the group must be in the loo or something as the set they were playing was pure instrumental. I also realised that they must have been playing something that was too modern for my tastes as it sounded as if they were just playing the same tune over and over again. After a good 30 minutes of the same sodding song we realised that the group had no vocalist and the ability to play one sodding song.

Eventually this crappy performance seemed to affect the temperament of a few of the locals and it all kicked off at the bar with one bloke getting a nasty blading. The incident really spooked the hell out of the band on stage who froze…for about a minute or two then carried on with their same sodding musical piece.

Apparently I might be one of the only people who hated the performance as the locals love it so much they are a permanent fixture. I’m just glad that I don’t go out drinking in Mos Eisley that much nowadays the place is a real shithole.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:35, 4 replies)

Fucking 'Offspring'.*
We bought Guitar Hero Warriors of Rock for our second-born for Christmas. Yesterday morning, he was out of bed far too early and was playing on it, particularly the Offspring track Self Esteem. It woke me up and that was it. The first 6 bars of the middle-8 was looping around my brain all fucking day, and still is today.

Consequently, I'm seriously considering hunting the fuckers down along with the producers at Activision and hitting them repeatedly with a big stick covered in dog poo.

* Not to be confused with 'fucking off springs' which is what happened to our old bed when I banged Mrs SLVA like a shit-house door in the wind after having espresso and a Pro-plus too late in the day.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:34, 5 replies)

The Portsmouth Sinfonia
Oddly, they appeared on /links a day or so ago and definitely should be mentioned here as they were created deliberately to be the worst orchestra ever: they were composed entirely of people with no experience with the instrument they were playing. Check out their version of the William Tell overture:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs7QdpF0DE8
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:29, 3 replies)

The Human League
I have a long list - an ever-growing list, indeed - of bands I loathe, bands whose musical merit entirely escapes me and bands I just think are unbelievably overrated. Whilst I could go off on one about my fervent dislike of the Beatles, Bowie, the Clash, T.Rex and so forth, you'd get bored of me pretty quickly.

I therefore cite The Human League, on account of their naff-sounding synth tunes and atrocious lyrics. Anybody who says Don't You Want Me? is an "'80s classic" should be directed to the album Dare! from which that track is taken and made to listen to the first song on it, with its superb choral refrain:
"Everybody needs love and adventure,
Everybody needs cash to spend,
Everybody needs love and adventure,
Everybody needs two or three friends."

Wow. Deep.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if that doesn't make you piss yourselves with laughter then look up the lyrics to one of their other 'classics,' The Lebanon.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:27, 9 replies)

one hit wonders top loader
my local radio station I'm forced to listen to at wok
plays dancing in the moon light daily
( The sherif of Mottingclam R.I.P Marco, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:22, 5 replies)

Moar on the musical shit list eh?
Glee cast? Search up a good song on YouTube and there's a fucking cover by them.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:15, 1 reply)

Ahem...
Question of the Week suggestions

Each week we ask a question. The idea is to generate material that's:

* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* not been asked on this site before
* fun to answer



What would you like to ask? (We've left this question open - so feel free to drop in ideas anytime.)

I rest my case m'lud - see you next week, maybe.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:15, 5 replies)

Since Bieber's already taken
Let's go with Linkin Park.

We all agree with the bloke who posted first this QOTW anyway, anything after the 90's has been shite.*

There may be exceptions.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:14, Reply)