Subgenius Official Final Warning - Speakers Corner - 6th June - 2pm

The European Church Of The Subgenius invites the public and the media to an official "Final Warning" at Hyde Park, Speakers Corner on Saturday the 6th of June at 2pm.

Dressed in a Subgenius Space Corps spacesuit, ordained minister Rev. Priest will announce that there remain only twenty four hours to apply for Eternal Salvation before administrative and postal delays could prevent the processing of your application until after the destruction of the planet.

The Subgenius Foundation Corporation can only guarantee delivery of official salvation documentation after a 28 day processing period, so if you want to receive your ticket to the UFOs in time for the predicted world-ending calamity at 7am on July 5th you have only twenty four hours from the time of this Final Warning to submit your application.

Rev. Priest will be accompanied by the pope of all Southern England who will give his Papal blessing to the official warning, making it infallible.

The text of Rev. Priest's warning follows, although some details may change between now and date of the final delivery.

Brothers and Sisters, ladies and gentlemen, fellow preachers and assembled media.

These are dark times.

Our legal representatives are all on the take, corruption and kickbacks and bribery characterise the government.

Protest is suppressed with police violence, the murder of innocent citizens, random searches and electronic database tracking of every financial and government transaction. Even the web pages you browse are tracked and monitored to be used against you.

This, they say, is for your own safety! As though branding you with an ID card makes you immune from terrorist bombs.

The conspiracy tells you that they need to take away your freedoms to protect them from terrorists, while the terrorists themselves have no legal powers to do a damned thing to that freedom.

Not only the government conspiracy, but also the religious conspiracies are leading us into darker and darker times. Muslims and Christians are facing off in what looks like it could shape up to be the battle of the century. Is Allah more powerful than Jehovah? Which of their followers are more prone to persecute the other?

Catholic popes are condemning the use of life-saving condoms, instead of handing out FREE ONES like the Subgenius church does, dooming more and more to suffer from the consequences of pregnancy or AIDS.

Creationism is creeping into our classrooms, the religions attempting to force their nonsense into young minds, polluting the science lab with myth and politics.

Some religions are even preaching that the world will end imminently, and that there's therefore no point in trying to save the planet, for the planet is doomed. The Gods will start Armageddon whatever we do. Can you imagine a better way to screw the world up? To make people lose hope? To bring that very end about?

You would think in the modern age that we'd be kept fully informed about these things, but the conspiracy media is full of nothing but PR stunts for yet more corporate sucking up of power and money. Wanna-be Celebs dressed in silly clothes spouting whatever nonsense they have to in order to grab column inches.

The newspapers are full of press releases and celebrity gossip, conveniently leaving no room for actual TRUTH! Most of the media probably won't even report on this official warning! Preferring to keep the masses in the dark about their impending doom.

No, all the media is interested in is SCARING YOU, telling you what dark and horrible times you live in, in order to get you to BUY THEIR STUFF. Those hypocrites! Using fear and doom-mongering to sell their message.

Never has the conspiracy been so strong! Never have times been so dark! The supply of slack never been so scarce! These, my friends, truly are the End Times predicted by "Bob" in the good book. The last blast. The endgame.

And what did "Bob" say would end those end times?

Intervention from higher beings!

Our glorious leader, "Bob," has been in contact with these higher beings, talked to them, been probed by them, and eventually discovered their plan to harvest this planet.

If you think things are bad now, wait till the enemy invades! The enemy is coming for us, for YOU! Make no mistake. You must surely do whatever we ask you to do in order to escape the wrath of the enemy who could launch missiles of mass destruction on us in just forty five seconds!

Their great flying saucer death machines are on route to this planet even as I rant. Their aim: To burn this planet and everyone living on it. Are you afraid? ARE YOU AFRAID?

Were it not for the grace of "Bob" we would all surely be doomed!

Luckily for us, "Bob's" divine salesmanship is so great he made a DEAL with the aliens. A select few of us can escape on-board their flying-saucer love machines just seconds before the death-machines strike.

However, in order to process your application to escape the obliteration of the earth and gain eternal salvation before this destruction date, the Subgenius Foundation Corporation needs to receive your documentation and payment a full 28 days before the date in question.

This means there are just 24 hours left now to submit your application in time to be guaranteed a place aboard the escape vessels!

Submit your application at Subgenius.com

Should you fail to meet this important deadline there will remain just two options open to be SAVED! You will need to apply in person and present your processing fee at one of the official Subgenius Processing centers. Either in Brushwood, New York, USA, or the at the European Subgenius End Of The Word Show Spectacular at the Rhythm Factory in Aldgate, 16 Whitechapel Road, London.

Doors will open at 10pm on July the 4th, and entertainment will be provided all night long until the UFOs come to destroy the world at 7am the next day. Entry is just 10 pounds, or eight with a Subgenius membership card or a flyer downloadable from the website.

Arrive early to guarantee entry, this event may be oversubscribed.

We will have Bands, DJs, Comedy, Preaching and of course the show will end with THE COMPLETE DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD. For your pleasure.

Please, we want to save as many people as possible, so submit your applications through subgenius.com WITHIN TWENTY FOUR HOURS or else come and join us at the shows next month. It is your VERY LAST CHANCE TO BE SAVED.

European Event details are at dalliance.net/xday2009/

American Event details are at subgenius.com/newdevivals.html

Apply for eternal salvation NOW at subgenius.com/

Rev. Priest will then take questions from the crowd.

( priestess I remember when this was all fields, Mon 18 May 2009, 21:42, Reply)

yeah, probably give this one a miss

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 19 May 2009, 2:11, Reply)

What the blathering fuck?

Is this a gathering of people wearing tin foil hats?

Imagine the reflection. Planes will crash.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 19 May 2009, 2:14, Reply)

I will indeed have a metal hat

Not tin foil though I'm afraid.

This event is just the preliminary last warning of course, the full night of chaos followed by the destruction of the planet won't happen till July 4th.

Pre...........

( priestess I remember when this was all fields, Thu 21 May 2009, 11:11, Reply)

( Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Tue 19 May 2009, 2:14, Reply)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subgenius

Pre is a good mate of mine from another forum, if you are in london i would recommend going, its a bloody funny night.
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Tue 19 May 2009, 4:41, Reply)

Sounds like a wild afternoon

can't argue with that

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 0:14, Reply)