I'm afraid I'm not qualified to comment on its artistic merit
but from a technical standpoint, can I suggest that you look at the tenses? You seem to switch from past to present to past tense almost from sentence to sentence, and it interrupts the flow a bit for me.
I enjoyed the story though. It was interesting writing and I hope you get a deservedly good grade for it.
/my two cents
(
Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 0:22,
Reply)