NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER YOU WILL WIN THE LOTTERY OF RUBBISH LINKS"
This Week:
* SHED OF THE YEAR - vote now on this important issue
* READ THIS - Man visits Paul McCartney's house
* NEW CHALLENGE - Pop stars on holiday
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're having a shit
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in the internet toilet
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 823 - 1st July 2022
Read this issue out loud, standing in traffic:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue823
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making worry for their mum & dads
* SOMETHING TO READ ABOUT THE WORLD OF POP -
Michael M has written more of his memoirs of a
nearly famous musician and says, "in the mid
00s, I was in an indie rock band with enough
moderate success to get close to one of my
heroes, Paul McCartney. I ended up playing the
piano in his home, but I only knew one song -
The Men Behaving Badly theme tune." It's a good
bit of writing, he's both made it funny, and
said something true about the creative urge.
Write the whole book dammit.
https://michaelmphysics.medium.com/the-ears-they-f...
* SHED OF THE YEAR 2022, PUBLIC VOTING IS OPEN -
Uncle Wilco is asking for you to vote on your
sheds again, "I have managed to whittle 260
sheds down to 21 for the 16th Shed of the year
competition. Now it's up to the public to choose
their favourites."
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/index.cfm
* CROWDFUND COMEDY BOOK - Joel Morris is
crowdfunding for his book on comedy "So... I'm
writing this. A book about the tricks and
patterns, and all the neuroscience and
anthropology of comedy but from a practical
perspective, rather than a scientific one.
Because I'm not a scientist, and we've had
enough of experts, right? Want to know as much
as I know about monkey comedy? It'll be in here.
It's basically a load of heavy frog dissection.
We need to kill all the frogs. It's as simple as
that. It's them or us. Support it, and the 11
million words of notes I've got on my phone will
have to turn into a book. Let's do this!" Can't
wait to read this. Joel, as writer on Paddington
& Ladybird books, knows his comedy onion.
https://unbound.com/books/comedy-basic
* GOODBYE GANKSY - Matt Round has closed Ganksy
- his AI experiment in selling Banksy-ish
artwork made by computer, after selling all 256
artworks. The plan now is to put on an exhibit.
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1542581554958...
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some Hebtro shorts
Is the weather nice outside? Then it is time to
buy some shorts and show those legs to the
world. Shorts. Action shorts. Made in the UK to
higher standards than the Government holds
itself to.
https://hebtro.co/product/action-shorts/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
Each week you confess things and we post them on
Twitter to see if we'll get the account banned:
* BROTHER-IN-POOR - "My brother in law winds me
up by constantly telling me how cheap his
electric car is to run. Course it's cheap to run
mate, every time you visit us you help yourself
to 20+ of our electricity and never bother to
offer a penny."
* MASONIC TWATS - "Everybody gets caught up in
the mysticism and secrets of Freemasonry. I
joined a lodge about seven years ago so I'll let
you in on one of the secrets. It's fucking
boring as fuck."
* BE THANKFUL - "Sometimes from a distance I
secretly watch my 2 young kids playing so they
don't know I'm there. I imagine I'm now an old
man and have been able to travel back in time
just for this moment to see when my kids were
young again. Makes me appreciate what I have
right now."
Join the half a million people who would
probably laugh at your misfortune, should you
tell them it. Oh why have we not blocked them
all?
http://twitter.com/fesshole
Pre-order the Fesshole book that will be
published in time for Christmas, very Fesstive.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
What websites will get an AA Rave in Amstrad Action?
* HOW VISUAL COMEDY WORKS - This 1992
documentary from Rowan Atkinson on how visual
comedy works must be one of the best things
about the mechanics of comedy that we've ever
watched. It's also the perfect version of
Atkinson for the slightly snobbish viewer, like
us, who was never that sure about Mr Bean. In
this you get the Mr Bean visual comedy, but
overlaid with Atkinson's keen mind explaining
exactly how clever it all is. So at no point are
you thinking "but this is just for morons!" but
instead "pour that insight into my brain!" It's
absolutely fucking wonderful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* WORDLE VS DALL-E - Mashing up the internet
sensations of DALL-E and Wordle comes this game
in which you must guess the DALL-E prompt. We
reckon the best format for DALL-E would be to
combine it with the Hot-or-Not engine. Submit
your prompts upon creating a good one and let
users vote on the best, or just browse by the
best and avoid seeing the boring ones
altogether.
https://huggingface.co/spaces/huggingface-projects...
* CHICKEN SELFIES - A webcam has been set up to
be triggered by chickens so that they can take
selfies. Free range, lots of other animal
cameos along the way, and no foxes yet (touch
wood), so all wholesome content. Unfortunately
we can't have nice things, so you can also buy
them as NFTs, thus risking a crypto repeat of
the monkey selfie copyright dispute should PETA
go down that weird road again.
https://chicken.photos
* WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OLD AD? Some weird ad
for some Siemens phones from 2003, as a B3ta
reader writes "it has everything you need -
blacking up, fascist police, and Doom's Night" -
different times indeed.
https://b3ta.com/links/Some_weird_ad_for_some_weir...
* SOOTHING SOUNDS - Other ambient soundscape
sites are available, but this one is
particularly nicely done. High quality honks,
splashes, chirps and gribbits from all around
the world. Bookmark it for when the gas bill
arrives and you need something to get the blood
pressure down.
https://earth.fm
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Cost of living crisis results
We've asked you to photoshop the cost of living
crisis that means we're all making soup out of
cats and here's our top three:
* Monkeon rose to the challenge with his Knight
Rider gag:
https://b3ta.com/board/11369948
* Ballymoran did a version of the 'this is fine'
meme
https://b3ta.com/board/11370065
* And a second entry from Bally riffing on the
iconic work of Kubrick
https://b3ta.com/board/11369899
All the best and the rest are here:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/costofliving/popular/
We've also got a "where do pop stars go on their
holidays" challenge open if you're missing
living in the world of Smash Hits:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/popholidays/popular/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Other than sentient ham that you can fuck
* STICK A WEBCAM ON A CONFUSING REVOLVING DOOR -
for the public to give you some physical comedy
lols.
* WEIRD AI AL - Weird Al is missing a trick not
doing a 'Weird AI' album, getting some shite
GTP3 stuff to write some terrible parody lyrics.
* A TORY WANK FANTASY EVERY HOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT
- posting tractors, satsumas, and the odd photo
of Thatcher for a treat
Shit in our letter box right now:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Turtle Power apologising this week
When do people get their NHS dental work done?
Never!
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
