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NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER YOU WILL WIN THE LOTTERY OF RUBBISH LINKS"

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This Week:
* SHED OF THE YEAR - vote now on this important issue 
* READ THIS - Man visits Paul McCartney's house
* NEW CHALLENGE - Pop stars on holiday 
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're having a shit
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    in the internet toilet
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 823 - 1st July 2022

Read this issue out loud, standing in traffic:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue823

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making worry for their mum & dads

  * SOMETHING TO READ ABOUT THE WORLD OF POP -
  Michael M has written more of his memoirs of a
  nearly famous musician and says, "in the mid
  00s, I was in an indie rock band with enough
  moderate success to get close to one of my
  heroes, Paul McCartney. I ended up playing the
  piano in his home, but I only knew one song -
  The Men Behaving Badly theme tune." It's a good
  bit of writing, he's both made it funny, and
  said something true about the creative urge.
  Write the whole book dammit. 
https://michaelmphysics.medium.com/the-ears-they-f...

  * SHED OF THE YEAR 2022, PUBLIC VOTING IS OPEN -
  Uncle Wilco is asking for you to vote on your
  sheds again, "I have managed to whittle 260
  sheds down to 21 for the 16th Shed of the year
  competition. Now it's up to the public to choose
  their favourites."
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/index.cfm

  * CROWDFUND COMEDY BOOK - Joel Morris is
  crowdfunding for his book on comedy "So... I'm
  writing this. A book about the tricks and
  patterns, and all the neuroscience and
  anthropology of comedy but from a practical
  perspective, rather than a scientific one.
  Because I'm not a scientist, and we've had
  enough of experts, right? Want to know as much
  as I know about monkey comedy? It'll be in here.
  It's basically a load of heavy frog dissection.
  We need to kill all the frogs. It's as simple as
  that. It's them or us. Support it, and the 11
  million words of notes I've got on my phone will
  have to turn into a book. Let's do this!" Can't
  wait to read this. Joel, as writer on Paddington
  & Ladybird books, knows his comedy onion. 
https://unbound.com/books/comedy-basic

  * GOODBYE GANKSY - Matt Round has closed Ganksy
  - his AI experiment in selling Banksy-ish
  artwork made by computer, after selling all 256
  artworks. The plan now is to put on an exhibit.
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1542581554958...

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Buy some Hebtro shorts

  Is the weather nice outside? Then it is time to
  buy some shorts and show those legs to the
  world. Shorts. Action shorts. Made in the UK to
  higher standards than the Government holds
  itself to.
https://hebtro.co/product/action-shorts/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE 
  Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols

  Each week you confess things and we post them on
  Twitter to see if we'll get the account banned:

  * BROTHER-IN-POOR - "My brother in law winds me
  up by constantly telling me how cheap his
  electric car is to run. Course it's cheap to run
  mate, every time you visit us you help yourself
  to 20+ of our electricity and never bother to
  offer a penny."

  * MASONIC TWATS - "Everybody gets caught up in
  the mysticism and secrets of Freemasonry. I
  joined a lodge about seven years ago so I'll let
  you in on one of the secrets. It's fucking
  boring as fuck."

  * BE THANKFUL - "Sometimes from a distance I
  secretly watch my 2 young kids playing so they
  don't know I'm there. I imagine I'm now an old
  man and have been able to travel back in time
  just for this moment to see when my kids were
  young again. Makes me appreciate what I have
  right now."

  Join the half a million people who would
  probably laugh at your misfortune, should you
  tell them it. Oh why have we not blocked them
  all? 
http://twitter.com/fesshole

  Pre-order the Fesshole book that will be
  published in time for Christmas, very Fesstive.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  What websites will get an AA Rave in Amstrad Action?

  * HOW VISUAL COMEDY WORKS - This 1992
  documentary from Rowan Atkinson on how visual
  comedy works must be one of the best things
  about the mechanics of comedy that we've ever
  watched. It's also the perfect version of
  Atkinson for the slightly snobbish  viewer, like
  us, who was never that sure about Mr Bean. In
  this you get the Mr Bean visual comedy, but
  overlaid with Atkinson's keen mind explaining
  exactly how clever it all is. So at no point are
  you thinking "but this is just for morons!" but
  instead "pour that insight into my brain!" It's
  absolutely fucking wonderful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch

  * WORDLE VS DALL-E - Mashing up the internet
  sensations of DALL-E and Wordle comes this game
  in which you must guess the DALL-E prompt. We
  reckon the best format for DALL-E would be to
  combine it with the Hot-or-Not engine. Submit
  your prompts upon creating a good one and let
  users vote on the best, or just browse by the
  best and avoid seeing the boring ones
  altogether.
https://huggingface.co/spaces/huggingface-projects...

  * CHICKEN SELFIES - A webcam has been set up to
  be triggered by chickens so that they can take
  selfies.  Free range, lots of other animal
  cameos along the way, and no foxes yet (touch
  wood), so all wholesome content. Unfortunately
  we can't have nice things, so you can also buy
  them as NFTs, thus risking a crypto repeat of
  the monkey selfie copyright dispute should PETA
  go down that weird road again.
https://chicken.photos

  * WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OLD AD? Some weird ad
  for some Siemens phones from 2003, as a B3ta
  reader writes "it has everything you need -
  blacking up, fascist police, and Doom's Night" -
  different times indeed.
https://b3ta.com/links/Some_weird_ad_for_some_weir...

  * SOOTHING SOUNDS - Other ambient soundscape
  sites are available, but this one is
  particularly nicely done. High quality honks,
  splashes, chirps and gribbits from all around
  the world. Bookmark it for when the gas bill
  arrives and you need something to get the blood
  pressure down.
https://earth.fm

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Cost of living crisis results

  We've asked you to photoshop the cost of living
  crisis that means we're all making soup out of
  cats and here's our top three:

  * Monkeon rose to the challenge with his Knight
  Rider gag:
https://b3ta.com/board/11369948

  * Ballymoran did a version of the 'this is fine'
  meme
https://b3ta.com/board/11370065

  * And a second entry from Bally riffing on the
  iconic work of Kubrick 
https://b3ta.com/board/11369899

  All the best and the rest are here:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/costofliving/popular/

  We've also got a "where do pop stars go on their
  holidays" challenge open if you're missing
  living in the world of Smash Hits:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/popholidays/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Other than sentient ham that you can fuck

  * STICK A WEBCAM ON A CONFUSING REVOLVING DOOR -
  for the public to give you some physical comedy
  lols.

  * WEIRD AI AL - Weird Al is missing a trick not
  doing a 'Weird AI' album, getting some shite
  GTP3 stuff to write some terrible parody lyrics.

  * A TORY WANK FANTASY EVERY HOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT
  - posting tractors, satsumas, and the odd photo
  of Thatcher for a treat

  Shit in our letter box right now:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
  you, you kind humans.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  Turtle Power apologising this week

  When do people get their NHS dental work done?
  Never!
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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