An open letter to Honda (apologies for length)
"Dear Honda,

Over the years I have come to tolerate your presence on the globular accident we share as a location, but I have now decided that I have had enough.

I want you to fuck off.

Now, I should add that I have never driven one of your cars, and I never plan to (much in the same way as I never plan to drink Cobra beer unless they too issue a grovelling, flagellating apology and stand in the stocks for several weeks while people throw hungry kittens at them), but this is entirely, 100%, completely your fault. Why? Because of "The Power of Dreams".

On Honda's Youtube channel "Prince of Pwnage" writes:

"PrinceofPwnage (3 weeks ago)

Hey there, just to let you know, I have dreamed of having a honda civic ever since i was 8, and now i am 17 and i have had my '97 Civic for almost a year, and 0 trouble at all.

I LOVE IT! You guys can watch my car's videos if you want. Anyways, i love you honda. lol"

And that's from royalty folks. Good to see Pwnage isn't going secular. Anyway, let's combine this boy's spoutings with the concept of "The Power of Dreams". He has dreamed, DREAMED, of owning a Honda Civic since he was 8. Let's assume for a minute that he has done other things and not totally wasted his life. Let's also assume that we do not in any way automatically hate people whose parents buy them a new car (no he doesn't say if it was new or not, but he's called "PrinceofPwnage" ffs). Is there any way that we can say that his dream is not, in any way, massively depressing. It's the dream equivalent of the Grand National being ran by crippled horses, jockeyed by clones of Stephen Hawking. There's a reason this event isn't in the Special Olympics, and that is its complete lack of special qualities, no matter how many quotation marks you throw in there.

Next quote:

"johnatarctypcom (3 weeks ago)

Wow, as an inventor, metal sculptor, former high-tech marketing executive and author of science fiction, I can say all these clips are fantastic, inspiring, genuine and an excellent use of YouTube. A big thanks from someone helping to invent the future in my garage. Go Honda and Go Humans!"

Prick.

And finally:

"alex49698 (3 months ago)

I love Honda. I hope to work for Honda one day. No other car company gives me such inspirations to try harder for my goal."

Alex's profile says: "i'm a pretty good guy. i like cars, and i'm 6'4. i love to have funny convos, and i love music. i play tennis, i'm a freshman at warren central now."

Wow, thank you Honda. Thank you for being the only car company to give Alex such inspirations to try harder for his goal. When he reaches his goal (and I don't know what it is but we can only assume it will be ASTOUNDING) and the world is a better place rest assured everyone will point out the direct link. And teach Alex basic grammar and syntax.

As you may have gathered, I am not a fan. Or a fans, as Alex calls it.

As a concept The Power of Dreams works. As a series of adverts it is like someone using your spine as a pogo stick while shouting in your ear (in a voice that sounds like it grew up in a mansion then ran away to join a commune) that it's for the good of the environment and that it's your own fault you're being used as a pogo stick is because you aren't a forward thinking, outside-the-box, hessian wearing, tofu-bleeding shite-kite of such epically smug proportions that it would take five million 'YOU ARE A CUNT's to cause even the slightest dent in your righteous fucking armour. Combining people who like cars with people who like pretentious gash is one of the worst ideas ever. Then they keep making the adverts. They're kind of like perfume adverts, except without the excuse perfume adverts on telly have of not being able to convey the smell. They say nothing about the product, instead dressing it up as some kind of abstract seeming mimsy which ends on a '...', presumably inviting smiles of satisfaction as opposed to thoughts of extreme violence. It's the smarmy voice over. The lack of content (IT'S A CAR! TELL PEOPLE WHAT IT DOES!) and clever-clever/imbecidic attempts to be different and left field. It's like I Heart Huckabees but for cars. Take the advert where the voiceover man, sounding so pleased with himself because he knows where Madeleine McCann is and what he's doing to her, says 'This is what Honda feels like.' A choir then proceed to make some very accurate car noises. People fall out of their wicker chairs in astonishment at how brilliant it is.

Up in Heaven, St Peter scores several more names off his list.

What Honda feels like, essentially, is stylish but insubstantial. And like a man stroking his chin while several people spurt jizz and organic yoghurt at it, then lick it to see if they can work out which bit is which. And slightly cretinous. Honda is like being bored at the theatre or opera, not understanding what is going on and despairing while people all around you pretend to be experts in it, only to find at a later date that the tenor wasn't singing in Italian, he was singing Tellytubby speak and hoping no-one would notice. Or, if we ignore all of the negative aspects, Honda is a bit like driving, but without the realistic bits.

The reason for this post is, by the way, because of the latest Honda advert. It consists of some MSN emoticons on what appears to be an LED screen, set to a version of 'This Little Light of Mine' (already a song that feels like soul-rape by a man with a cyberpunk hedgehog for a penis) so twee that every member of Belle and Sebastian simultaneously shat out their pelvis through their eyes.

Then, without explanation, it says 'The Power of Dreams.' And shows some cars with lights that work. Or something. By this point I was building a small canoe out of old copies of Vice to escape the flood caused by my flatmate crying because he thought that society had just jumped the shark.

This is clearly the work of some cunts.

So, if you can find it in your hearts, you people at Honda, to make some good adverts and then kill yourselves and your marketing department, I figure we'll just about be even.

Yours sincerely, thePontificator

PS. You're a bell-end."
(thePontificator, Sun 18 Apr 2010, 9:01, Reply)