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This is a question Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Woocfot asks: Tell us all about that turning point in your life when it started going downhill. Yeah, that drunken conversation with my dad when he suggested I become a civil servant. Dammit, I could have been an astronaut

(, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 11:32)
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Dr Shambolic
You are a twat and a bore. Note: a twat. Not a cunt, you don't deserve that, you are merely a twat, a tit, a twirling spunkledite, fluff, foam, detritus, leavings, spillings, to be swept away and forgotten. Your ridiculous, unfunny username peppers this site like Kaposi's sarcoma sores on the ass of an AIDS patient. Are you trying to 'win' the internet? If so can't we just say 'well done Dr Shambles! You've won!' so you'd just fuck off? I doubt that would work, because you incontinently crave attention like a mewling shit-nappied new-born baby. Therefore, I really should ignore you, because indifference is the wisest option with self-obsessed knobshiners such as yourself. I, however, am not particularly wise, hence this ill-advised diatribe. But hey, what else is the internet for, if not ill-advised diatribes?

That said, I do not wish death on you, or wish to see your nearest and dearest perish in a house fire as you look on sobbing. Or have them look on sobbing as you die writhing and screaming of cancer. That shit is for amateurs! It's too easy, on the internet, to go over the top, to go for the most shocking insult. That's not my style! I wish you and yours a long and happy life!

There's just one thing I'd like you to do. One simple thing.

Turn your computer off (if you can) and go outside (again, if you can). Go to your nearest supermarket, if they will let a dribbler like you in, and purchase a big jar of pickled onions. The biggest jar you can find. If you can locate a catering-sized jar, that's great! If you can only find small jars, purchase three or four. Don't worry about the brand - it's quantity we're after. Whilst in the supermarket, feel free to make any sundry purchases you might require. Why not? Go nuts! Even have a cup of tea and a slice of cake in their 'restaurant.' In fact, I insist you do this, and enjoy it too. Tea and cake! What's not to love?

When you get back home with your purchases, please put them all away except for the jar(s) of pickled onions. These, I want you to open. Then, I want you to undo your belt (or braces, I can see you as a braces man, fat and sweaty) and take off your trousers. Then remove your underwear (somehow, I visualise off-white boxer shorts adorned with faded skidmarks). You may wish to kick off your shoes and socks as well. Or go totally naked! Hey, it's your house (or bedsit, I reckon), so what you get up to is your own business! No-one will see! Knock yourself out.

Then I want you to go to the jar(s) of pickled onions, take out a single pickled onion, and insert it up your ass. Right up, as far as it can go. Then, take another, and do the same. Right up. As far as it can go. Then, take another, and another, and do the same, until the jar(s) is(are) empty.

Will you do this one small thing for me?

Thanks in advance for your co-operation.
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 18:06, 6 replies)

whatever you just said

star wars
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 18:35, closed)
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 18:40, closed)
An almost perfect post...
but the wrong target. Shambolic occasionally posts something vaguely interesting. BraynDead, on the other hand, truly is utterly fucking useless.
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 21:50, closed)
It upsets me when Doctors fight.

(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 18:45, closed)
but he started it
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 19:17, closed)
Well you shouldn't have put everybody on 2.0 then.

(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 19:32, closed)
I don't even know
what 2.0 even is, nor do I care. I don't block people or delete posts either.

Though I have been tempted to do the latter...
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 20:41, closed)
summary please
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 19:19, closed)
Darth Vader is Luke's father.
Shit happens.
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 19:20, closed)
Twat is twat
I want him to shove many pickled onions up his ass.
(, Sun 3 Mar 2013, 21:29, closed)
Onions can make you cry

(, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 12:28, closed)
HA HA HA upset at the internet

(, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 11:27, closed)
i am now imagining
him shooting a cat with anally-propelled pickled onions.
it's making me giggle quite a bit.
(, Mon 4 Mar 2013, 14:40, closed)

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