Accidental animal crueltyI once invented a brilliant game - I'd sit at the top of the stairs and throw cat biscuits to the bottom. My cat would eat them, then I'd shake the box, and he would run up the stairs for more biscuits. Then - of course - I'd throw a biscuit back down to the bottom. I kept this going for about half an hour, amused at my little game, and all was fine until the cat vomited. I felt absolutely dreadful.
Have you accidentally been cruel to an animal?
This question has been revived from way, way, way back on the b3ta messageboard when it was all fields round here.
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rob, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 11:13)
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We had a crappy little mongrel dog called ‘Dog’ (Thanks to ‘Good Omens’ by Terry Pratchett).Now Dog was gayer than Sparky from South Park. By jingo he loved the crack. Embarassing to take for a walk, this was the undercracker-eater who was thicker than a randy whale’s cock.
This story doesn’t involve drinking, smoking or blowbacks by the way…well…not directly.
In the early 90’s, I was at the age when my loving parents would fuck off on holiday and leave me to dog-sit. They would hope to shit that I would throw a party, because they knew that my post-party clean-up job would leave the house in a better state than they had left it in. Result.
Anyhoo, their plan worked perfectly and first weekend, the party was on. Pissed up people aplenty it was going full swing.
Sweet Jesus knows why, but someone cropped up with an idea. ‘Wouldn’t it be great’ they slurred, ‘If we got out the video camera and filmed us all pissed, that would be soooo funny when we watched it tomorrow’.
Everybody agreed. Everybody laughed. Out comes the camera.
So a bit of harmless filming / showing off in front of the camera kicks off. The obligatory twats in the kitchen emptying the fridge, the couple in the corner who spend the night getting into each other’s colons using only their tongues, and the general loud, spaccy behaviour of mid teens mixed with alcohol and god knows what. Like I said…Harmless.
Always keen to be involved, I thought I’d do something to keep the filming interesting. As I spot somebody filming me leaving the lounge for the upstairs toilet, I turn my back on the camera, drop my trollies and moon the camera. Big cheer. What a hero.
Unbeknownst to everybody…Dog takes note.
As the next person leaves for the bog, there is a shout of ‘moonie, moonie’ and as requested, the game girl bares her cheeks for the audience.
Dog now takes a decided interest.
Before long, it’s my mate Vlad’s turn. As he opens the door he knows what to expect. The cheers start, he takes the stance in the doorway, drops his kex right to the floor and drunkenly bends over, proudly displaying his full poo-chute to the filming throng.
Third time unlucky…for him anyway
With perfect timing and Ninja stealth, Dog strolls up…and taking full advantage of Vlad’s immobile and drunken state, grabs the opportunity to push his nose up Vlad’s clackervalve….RIGHT UP….TO THE COLLAR*.
The sheer force of the sniff / push sends Vlad tripping over his own pants and into the nearby plant pot in the hallway, sending Vlad, Dog (still with nose up arse) and soil flying everywhere.
To say we all fell about pissing our pants was an understatement, and just so we’d never forget the incident, we’ve also got it all on video tape for good measure.
Vlad begged me not to show the tape or mention the story when I was best man at his wedding a year or so ago…What do you think I did???
I’ll keep you guessing…
*(well that’s what it looked like from the angle I was watching from)
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 6 Dec 2007, 12:49,
4 replies)
The only remaining question.....is it on YouTube yet?
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 14:02, closed)
Oh Lordy Reverend...There's no way I'm clever enough to convert crappy old VHS to mpeg then put it on YouTube...
I work in IT for god's sake!
to be honest - I'm jealous of all of you who know how to put photos in posts....and write small...and itallic.
I'm not joking...Gaz me PLEASE!
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 6 Dec 2007, 21:25,
closed)
good omensis by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
(, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 0:28, closed)
LokiYou are absolutely right...soz
I did remember it was by TP & Somebody else...but to be honest, I read it the book bloody years ago and have drunk A LOT since then :)
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Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sat 8 Dec 2007, 4:23,
closed)
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