Damn email jokes
A few years back I had the computer in the living room. To give you an idea of the layout of the room, the computer was on a table that backed onto the East wall, the tv in the room was against the West wall of the room, and a sofa was positioned, facing the tv (and away from the computer) a few feet behind the computer desks chair.

This fateful afternoon the then-wife was out, and I had been left to watch over the three kids, all of whom were under the age of 6. Having done the fatherly thing of acting like a loon and generally being a bouncy castle, they got bored and the eldest declared that she wanted to watch tv. No problem, tv on, the eldest made herself comfy on the sofa, the other two quickly followed and within a couple of minutes all three were watching the tv transfixed.

I sat down at the pc and checked my emails. Nothing of note, save for an email from a friend with an attachment. Knowing that this friend only ever sent me forwarded jokes, I decided to download it - a tiny movie attachment called "sex". It downloaded in seconds. I glanced over my shoulder and sure enough the kids were all absolutely mesmerised by whatever rubbish CBeebies were serving up that day.

Brilliant. I double clicked on the attachment and it booted up in WinAmp. A ten second clip of something. As it started, it showed a beautiful landscape. A lake in Summer, mountains in the background and the camera very slowly panning to the left, with a low volume porn-like soundtrack playing in the background.

All of a sudden, as the camera panned, a woman dressed as a half-dead witch popped up from nowhere and let out a piercing scream, before the clip finished and the application returned to the desktop.

What I hadn't realised was that in the few seconds inbetween me checking the kids and starting the clip, they had all stood on the sofa, turned around and started watching the slip with me. When the witch popped up and screamed, the two eldest collectively filled their pants and screamed, scaring me more than the original in-film scream, and this in turn caused the youngest, who wasn't really paying too much attention, to start crying.

So now I had me on the verge of a heart attack, the two eldest absolutely terrified and the youngest crying her heart out. This, naturally, was the time that the wife decided to return.

On seeing the pandemonium before her, she asked an ashen-faced me what had happened. I explained about the email, and the clip and how the kids were watching tv, and that I had realised the clip would be a jokey clip and and had played it not realising the kids were watching.

Apparently, admitting that you have watched a film clip entitled "sex" in front of your three kids is not as innocent as you try to make it sound and results in an argument and, ironically, a complete lack of sex in the forthcoming days.
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Thu 28 Oct 2010, 17:16, 4 replies)

Ha ha!
I am very much laughing at you, yet with you at the same time. My eldest is only 4, yet can work his own way around the internet - I'm on tenterhooks whenever he's on YouTube, using my account.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 20:19, closed)

Fhh, women eh ?

(Bitter and Twisted, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 21:10, closed)

Wait a minute...
..you're married, have 3 kids, and (up to that point at least) still having sex?

Sounds like you may have a keeper there mate.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 29 Oct 2010, 10:24, closed)

I guess
he's "keeping her", but only in the style to which she has been accustomed, through his maintenance payments. Note the phrase "then-wife".
(Rsoles, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 20:24, closed)