who the fuck is alice?
Went to see a band for a female friend's 31st birthday in London. It was billed as 'a few people' but due to dropouts it was me, her, her newish boyfriend and one other girl (Alice). A bit like a couples' evening except that one of the 'couples' - me and Alice - had never actually met.

Still, I was happy to find that Alice was attractive, even if the pre-gig drink was a bit awkward due to my friend already being half-cut, her boyfriend being foreign and Alice being a bit shy with a particularly quiet whispery voice. We were obviously supposed to make friends, if not actually sniff each other's bottoms, but I couldn't make out half of what she was saying and she kept trying to start side conversations with the other girl - our mutual friend - rather than talk amongst the whole group. It was something a relief when we got into the gig.

The band we'd paid to see were a sort of folky indie oufit. The support act were an incongruous teenage thrash metal act and everyone did their best to ignore them. At this point the foreign boyfriend decided the whole thing was stupid and wanted to go to a normal pub. His missus staved off a mutiny by throwing beer down his neck, quickly followed by herself. They stood in the corner snogging furiously as if it was the last few minutes of the school disco. She briefly broke off, grabbed my arm and smirked at me unsteadily. "Alice ish twenty-sheven and shingle", she confided with a meaningful leer. She also attempted a wink but the effort almost caused her to fall over, so she steadied herself against the foreign boyfriend and resumed her attempt to swallow him whole.

Alice had by this point wandered off, but the support act had thinned the crowd out so it was easy to spot her. I walked over to her with a friendly grin. She looked at me like she didn't know who I was and it occurred to me that she had a point as we'd only exchanged a couple of sentences. I tried a few icebreakers but conversation was impossible as her tiny voice just didn't carry over the howling teenage metalheads. "Shall we go over to the bar for a bit?" I bellowed.

"No, I think I'll just stay now". The proper band came on soon after and the venue started to fill up. After one song Alice turned to me and actually made an unprompted remark. It was, "I'm going to go and stand over there". And she did. Didn't look back to see if I was going to follow her, just walked ten yards away to make it easier to ignore me.

The other two were still wrapped around each other oblivious, so I stood there for another hour like a prize lemon, then we all walked back to the tube station together, chatting amiably as if we'd had a convivial night out. Cracking.
(slowly play it cool, Trig, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 0:53, 9 replies)

I like this
Social awkwardness and passive aggression, rather than rock star singer takes massive drugs lol.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 8:26, closed)

Seems a bit harsh to blame the gig for the fact that you're unappealing to women.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 8:34, closed)

Makes Misery seems very interesting.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 8:53, closed)

Happy to help.

(slowly play it cool, Trig, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 9:59, closed)

I was too harsh.
She was gagging for sex and you missed the important pick up signals.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 11:17, closed)

"I'm going to go and stand over there" is the best "Piss off you tit" line I've heard.

(McChinaman banned, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 11:54, closed)

Not a patch on one I've been on the receiving end of:
"Erm ... uh ... I would invite you back to mine, but, er ... I've, er ... I've heard that sex binds two souls together, and I don't know about you but I'm bound to some people that I really wish I wasn't, and, er ... so I'm going home now bye!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 12:34, closed)

Disagree
With that last one, you can convince yourself that the person saying it is the one with the problem. After all, who really, actually, unironically talks about sex binding souls together?

But "I'm going to go and stand over there" is so beautifully deadpan and unambiguous that you just can't rationalise it as someone projecting their own issues on to you, the unwitting victim. It's the same as saying "I don't like you" but, crucially, with all the aggressive intent removed.
(slowly play it cool, Trig, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 12:56, closed)

You have not lived a very full life if that is the best.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 26 Jul 2013, 16:25, closed)