Alcohol and Kleptomania
Well I'll be honest and admit that what follows didn't actually involve me (sorry, but I thought it was too good not to pass on). I have led a sanitised and sheltered life and I am far too scared of authority to do anything of this sort:

About two years ago my brother's two best friends were leading the typical student life of poverty and alcoholism in Edinburgh. Both were unemployed and bored, so they ended up spending a day off playing pool in a quiet family pub. The hours went by and the empties piled up and before long they were too bladdered to handle a cue. They decided it was a good time to retire to the bar and relax with a few potent shots. It was then that the pub's mascot caught their now slightly glazed eyes.

A stuffed parrot perched behind the bar and the novelty value was just too much to resist. After a few moments of thoroughly pished conferring and a count of "1...2...3...GO!", one lunged over the bar and seized the ex-parrot and together they bombed out the front door, giggling maniacally.

The perfect crime was almost complete as they tore down through Edinburgh as fast as plastered legs can carry a person, prize in hand. They were almost home free... almost. A police meat wagon pulled out (christ knows why the response time was so fast, must be a very serious crime out east) and they just about soiled themselves.

Splitting up in a panic, one escaped and tossed the bird over a nearby hedge while the other was snatched and tossed in a cell for the night. Not as big a problem as you may think. A wet towel smashed against a door, accompanied with hours of loud verbal abuse does wonders to try the cops' patience. It paid off and he was told to bugger off and released. The pub didn't really have time to officially bar them, but I wouldn't bet on them being welcome.

Mmm, lengthy and wholesome. Sorry!
(Kappa Trackies, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 19:06, Reply)