One Virgin, Four Jars Of Olives and A Lifetime Ban From Gibralta.
I used to work as a fish monger in Fowey harbour. On Thursdays, which were our delivery days, we'd have to sort through the crabs, lobsters and crayfish, writing their names, weights and adresses on their backs. Needless to say, this was a monotonous job. Eventually, my colleague, Sean (who had a thick brummie accent) came up with a plan; he would print up stickers with the details already on them and we would use them instead of the marker pen when Thursday came around.
Come June, this plan was working superbly, until I had to go away to a trade fair in Weymouth for a fortnight. Sean was left on his own.
That Thursday, my hotel received a phone call from Sean; "How do I tell the different weights of the crayfish?"
How we laughed.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 15:31, Reply)

Ask a silly question...
A bit mild compared to most other entries here, but I am now barred from a pub even though I wasn't even present when the barring was done. My ex-girlfriend was out with her brother and his girlfriend, who has just qualified as a barrister. Very soon after being served last orders, the owner of the establishment starts asking them to drink up and go. Said junior counsel informs owner that it is against such-and-such a statute not to allow 30 mins 'drinking-up time' after last orders have been served. He mutters some dismissive comment. That is where it would have ended had she not then, Alan Partridge-like, produced a large (metaphorical) plate from the folds of her invisible legal robes, and handed it to the owner, with the question 'what are you going to do, bar us?' To which he of course replied 'Yes, actually, I am.' He seems confident that in this situation, no explanation is required in law.
A few nights later I reluctantly accompany ex-girlfriend on a return visit to see if the bar also applies to her. I order 2 pints from a barmaid not present on the night in question, only for yet another staff member to inform us that yes, in fact, she is banned and so am I, despite not even being there on the night!
She says the owner's always held a grudge against her...
(Sheridan Whiteside, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 15:30, Reply)

No more parties.
I never get invited to parties any more -- my party trick at a recent fancy dress party was not well received! What is my party trick, you say? Well I'll tell you.

There's me, my gran (who's not wearing her dentures), my brother (who happens to have Downs), a pregnant pre-teen and a cow, and we all arrive when the party is in full flow.

First things first, I grab my gran's head and shove it up the cow's cunt. It's quite dry as it goes up so my nan actually gets friction burns on her face and I hear agonising muffled moans. The commotion however excites the cow and soon a flood of vaginal juices rush through the cunt and soak my gran's head. They penetrate every hole in her head, and she pulls her head out gargling some of it. I then force her head into the cow's arsehole. This begins to choke her immediately, as she swallows chunks of dung in her desperation for air. She's dies.

I then pull her out of the cows arse, lay her on the floor and pry her mouth into an open position. Then I simply begin to rape her in the face. I am completely unrelenting in my effort to blow my load, and the repeated thrusting motion begins to crush her skull. By the time I'm done my gran's corpse looks a state, all covered in shit and blood (the blood, coincidentally, is hers -- not from the tearing of the cows anus, which was severe). As I spuff all over her face, I'm running out of ideas and the the whole party trick looks to be going downhill -- for a split second.

My brother, with stacks of comic timing, rolls in in a bathtub filled with aborted foetuses. He gets the party going again by ripping the head off of an aborted foetus and throwing it into the crowd. The head is spinning as it's thrown so blood is propelled in all directions, even landing in one party-goers eye, before landing in the arms of the five-year-old daughter of the host of the party, who promptly bursts into tears and wets herself.

My brother, undeterred, calls onto stage the pregnant pre-teen and hands her a coat-hanger, and she performs a manual abortion right there among the stench of the rotting foetuses and my gran's corpse, which itself is beginning to muster quite a whiff. Her blood-curdling screams as she performs the operation are terrifying, and the amount of blood is surprising. The baby falls out of her and lands on the floor with a thud. My brother picks up the foetus and sucks the blood off, and then puts it back on the floor before we all gather round the dead 'baby' and piss and shit all over it, and as a grand finale we kneel down in the pools of piss, shit and blood and finish with a round of jazz hands.

We thought it'd go down better. We said we'd be turning up as Aristocrats, and thought they'd appreciate the irony *sigh*.

Apologies for my gigantic erection.
(mmmkay, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 15:19, Reply)

Ha! Bar? Try distillery!
My brothers and I visited the Bushmills distillery in Northern Ireland a few years back. Bushmills and Black Bush are the best whiskeys in the world as far as I’m concerned as they are triple distilled, taste fantastic and are mostly hangover free! Anyhoo they do a guided tour around the plant where your £3.50 entrance fee entitles you to a free double at the end of tour. However at the end of the tour you come into the bar and volunteers are asked for. The task is to drink shots of whiskeys from all around the world and realise how they paled into insignificance to the sweet nectar produced on site. We were picked the first time and after agreeing that the home whiskey was the best got another free double! On exiting the establishment we noted that the next tour in appeared to be a tee-total looking women’s institute outing HOORAH! Another £3.50 later and the quickest arm drawing volunteers we were indeed again comparing whiskeys from around the world with the two doubles closely following. Wallowing and wobbling in our crapulence we decided that another trip would just clarify the distilling process and proceeded to join the next tour which happened to be a German party. Well, let’s just say the Basil Fawlty goose stepping, Excuse me Meister, sausage eating jokes and “We started it? You invaded Poland!” may have grated just a little and rightly so I suppose as the kerfuffle was quite raucous making the previous two tour guides look, compare notes and realise it was our third trip round. We were politely asked to leave and asked not to come back. No bloody hangover though!
(The Hooded Fishfinger, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 15:11, Reply)

Barred for Breakaway theft.
On a night out I did venture into my local Spa, upon entering I spied a pack of 6 Breakaways which I duly picked up with intent to purchase. But, alas, I saw something shiny outside and walked off into the night.

All of this was on CCTV and now my face is in their 'rouges gallery' alongside Chav’s who tried to steal White Lightning. Oh the shame.

EDIT: it goes without saying that during all the events in this story I was very, very drunk.
( Taxman, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 13:15, Reply)

caught red handed... well footed... and legged... etc
I was caught in the ladies with my (then) girlfriend in Revolution in Newcastle upon Tyne...

now it sounds as if i was sending the one-eyed gopher into tuna town... but no...

My girlfriend hates being sick and dragged me into the toilets to hold her hair back... which i did... but only to have her throw up all over my legs and feet... which wouldn't be so bad but the little twunt had been drinking a vile red drink called "Chase"... so i looked like i'd just started my rag!!!

I had to pull the dispenser off the wall to get the spare toilet roll to wipe my legs and shoes... Then i was dragged out kicking and screaming by the bouncers...

as if that wasn't enough... the cow started slagging me off in the taxi queue for an argument we'd had prior!!!!
(likeajackhammer, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 13:08, Reply)

barred from my mates' house
My mate at school had a sister a couple of years above us. She was always nice to me at school, gave me a wave in the corridoor and that. The only thing was, she had a massive nose, which of course you always kept quiet about to her face.

So one day I was talking to my mate on MSN one night. The conversation inevitably turned into a downward spiral of shit and went on to what he was eating, which was at the time peas made by his sister. Looking for a juvenile comment to make, I asked if she had made the peas 'up her massive fucking nose'. This was followed by a legnthy text silence, broken by him saying, 'You've made her cry, she was just here.' I didnt really give a fuck to be honest but her mother did, quickly saying that I was not welcome in her house ever, even though I'd never been there before. Needless to say, his sister does not wave at me in the coridoor any more.
(nyorsk, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 12:57, Reply)

Banning lead to death
My Mate Paul and I got banned from a v shitty little pub in Wootton Bassett. Paul's Wife left him and moved in with the landlord of their local, might have been the 3 bells, or ring of bells, or bells end ring, can't remember.
So the landlord, Sid(?), banned Paul and I for going in and making his missus cry.
The cosmic scales were balanced some months later when She left him, and he hung himself in a walk-in fridge.

Not funny, but true. Only the names have been changed cos my memory is shite
(BigAndyBee, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 12:45, Reply)

Musical Planet Hollywood
A bit Long, sorry, but it is completely true and I even have a photo of me committing the crime.

I was banned from Planet Hollywood in London, I was at a birthday meet up for my Mate's ex Girlfriend, it was going slowly and conversation was boring so we worked our way down the cocktail menu.
One Hour Later I was asked to leave and never return after I was caught playing the piano, next to the Bar, which was crowded.

I had my pockets out and fly open, meat and two veg hanging out and was showing the girls my Elephant, then played the Piano by bouncing my tackle over the keys.

Its not all bad though, I pulled as a direct result of my knob's piano skills, happy days, we got thrown out before they made us pay the bar tab too so we were £170 up on the deal
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 12:26, Reply)

Barred from a nightclub in Liverpool
Turned up to some club in Liverpool when I was a student. I was attacked by a local and broke his nose on my forehead when he tried to nut me, because I wouldn't let him rummage through my pockets - honestly. The bouncer threw me out, saying it was for my own protection!
Laughed my socks off (almost) when I saw on NorthWest tonight the next day that there had been a drive by shooting, just after I had left.
Ah the North, what a lovely district of this merry Isle.
(B3any_pants, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 12:23, Reply)

What can I say?
If, like me, you're into ghosts and stuff, beware of bogus groups out there. They know who they are. But if you don't:
heres one and heres another
(Wrecked Tums, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 12:22, Reply)

cricket, anyone?
Me and my mates all used to go to the local cricket club to play a bit of footy after hours, had a lovely pitch.

Well, one night we went in played and were a bit thirsty so I, as the cleverest one, went to the tap embedded in the middle of the pitch and turned it on. Five minutes later, everyone's had a drink and is ready to go home so I turn the tap thinking im turning it off. Only, you cant really tell because its dark and the hole that the tap is in is flooded. So I leave and think nothing of it.

Next morning, one of my mates at the door, telling me that the pitch is flooded and that a whole weeks worth of fixtures had to be cancelled because of my idiocy and that the cricket blokes are after me for ruining their pitch. They also, apparently wanted money for the pumping of the pitch from me. Fuck, I thought, and decided not to return to the club for a long while.

Cricket season comes and me and my mates head off to the club for the youth team training. I dont even get down the steps to the pitch before I'm chased out and told not to come back again. Knackers.
(nyorsk, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 11:19, Reply)

Hehehe
I got barred (along with some other drunk friends) from Toys'R'Us for going in on a Saturday afternoon, absolutely bladdered and riding around on the scooters and little tractors and things. Much fun was had by all, till the security guard threw us out. Oh how we laughed :)
(Girlbear, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 10:54, Reply)

Nice one mate...
The day about six or seven years ago, a dingy smalltown local full of earthy characters. My pal is doing a bit of karaoke and at the end of the song says "Hey, everybody remember to come next week for my 18th birthday party!" cue everyone getting thrown out. We were barred, but not for long.

There was also one time when I wrote a review of a club for a student newspaper which was completely honest - said something along the lines of the place being a meat market and the bouncers were notoriously heavy handed, which they then tried to disprove by sending three meatheads over to try and steal the entire stock of newspapers and threaten me. They banned me from the club which was fine by me because I always hated it, and gave me jip by coming out to tell me I was banned whenever I walked past to go to the marginally cleaner, better club with the good music down the street.
(weirzbowski, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 10:20, Reply)

The difference between us...
Is that I don't get caught.. :P
(doos hows my random?, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 2:19, Reply)

I always thought it was myth

but no, actually urinating down all 6 pockets on a pool table, in order to free a stuck ball, will get you barred.
(Lt Columbo, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 1:34, Reply)

I've been barred from my old school grounds...
When I was wee I went to a very sheltered little convent school, where everything was all girls and it was the biggest shock of the century if somebody kissed a boy.Far from being the horse-riding type, or the sleepovers and makeovers type, I didnt exactly fit in. After my GCSEs I went to your average high school to do my a-levels and entered my "rebelious" phase, where I wore ridiculously large trousers and ditched everything my dad and Peelie had taught me and started to listen to Korn and Limp Bizkit. Oh the shame.

I was having such a great time being young and angry I started to resent my previous education a bit, so when they sent me a form to fill in asking me what I was up to, what my old classmates and teachers were up to and so on, I just couldnt miss the opportunity. I wrote the nastiest reply I could. I wrote of how I was failing my A levels and it was ALL THEIR FAULT, I wrote of how half my old classmates were pregnant, I even wrote of how our old RE teacher was getting a divorce, and that that wasnt very christian at all. I was pure evil to their ears.

They wrore me a letter back explaining that they were very dissapointed in me, and that they would not fail to take legal action if they ever caught me using their grounds as a throughfare again (added and extra 5 minutes on my journey to college). They sent a copy to my mum, who after making me write an apology burst into the giggles and said she was really quite proud actually. Then a few weeks later I heard from a friend that the afforementioned RE teacher had lost his faith.

So proud.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 0:59, Reply)

Not me, but a friend...
Got barred from a pub in Fort William for having a piss up against the fruit machine. Apparently he'd been sticking money in it all evening and won a staggering total of bugger all, when all of a sudden he needed to relieve himself. Convinced that the machine would eventually pay out and that the bald, earring wearing chap behind him had been eyeing the machine all night he decided it'd be safer to just empty himself into his pint glass. The wary gentleman behind the bar noticed this before he'd managed to let go and managed to wrestle the glass off of him. He duly went anyway.. all over the machine. It's a small town so it's not likely he'll get back in. I still spluff beverages at the mere thought of it though.
(baldylocks, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 0:54, Reply)

Yay, fantastic
I'll tell you the story of how my brother got barred (for the first time) from The Boars Head Tap House in Kidderminster. After spending the day drinking absinthe and lager he arrived outside, fell out of the car, stumbled up and was confronted by the landlord with his sternest "You're much too pissed to come in here" look on.

So he calmly stood there and ate the blokes hanging baskets. Right in front of him. Genius.

They generally dont like us lot in their pub anyway, since we're a rowdy bunch, and theyre much too high brow for that. I got told off at the bar once for swearing, even though there was prrety much nobody else in the pub. They're all bastards.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Mon 4 Sep 2006, 0:32, Reply)

Barred from Tesco for not attempting to steal...
About four years ago I was on my way home from a mate's house at about 2 a.m. and decided to pop into our local 24-hour Tesco supermarket to buy some cheap DVDs I had had my eye on. Nothing nicer than an empty supermarket - peace and quiet!

Went in, selected said DVDs, saw there were extra-cheap (2 pairs for a tenner!) jeans - hurrah, perfect for making into groovy flares (as I'm a bit of a hippie)! Went through an entire shelf of these, trying to find my size.

Security guard walks up, I smile at him, he says "And what the f*ck are you smiling at?". I replied, rather meekly, "Oh, nothing; you having a good night?". Obviously this was the wrong thing to say, as he put me in a fell-nelson, frogmarched me out of the store, an threw me face-first onto the concrete.

A tad dazed I trotted home, the next day contacting the store manager to complain about the 'somewhat tetchy' guard. I was told that I had been suspected of shoplifting, as the security guard thought he had seen me wrapping the DVDs in the pairs of jeans...which was entirely untrue - to my knowledge the movies were still sitting on another, otherwise empty, shelf next to the jeans section... Now quite how anyone would be able to remove things from the store via the checkout this way without paying for them, I have no idea, but it seems a pretty poor way of shoplifting to me (especially as I had my debit card in my pocket and was obviously intending to pay) also received a letter a day later saying I was barred from Tesco and would be forcibly removed if I was seen in there again. Twunts.

The moral of the story is this: Never be the only person in a 24-hour store, whose security guards are ill-tempered for no apparent reason, vicious thugs, and lying cnuts, as there'll be no witnesses to advise the authorities of the true course of events. Haven't been back to the store since, and the twat of a guard still works there - so avoid Tesco in Weston-super-Mare, or firebomb the place if you're passing! ;)

No apologies for both length and girth, as I'm sure the security guard mentioned will be told by his cellmate, when he invariably ends up in jail for being a thuggish twat.
( kitaro is all, like, "Nifty Biscuits" 'n that..., Mon 4 Sep 2006, 0:24, Reply)

Fuck you dyke.
i once got barred from tesco for buying a whole cooked chicken then sitting down in the middle of the tinned food aisle and eating it while shouting "CUNTY!" at the top of my lungs.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Sun 3 Sep 2006, 22:05, Reply)

I've not been barred from anywhere.
But if I ran a pub, club, or other establishment, and you acted up as your stories suggest, I'd ban you too.
( Bats, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 20:36, Reply)

Bastards
I have been barred from the following:

A posh schools old boys club for setting fire to the carpet
Another posh schools old boys club for stealing a table/stealing drinks/breaking the urinals
My local pub, 4 tims, for fighting on the pool table, stealing pool balls, being far too young back then, and trying to eat someone else's dinner
My local India/chinese/any other nationality restaurant, for calling the staff thieving chinky bastards/ enquiring as to whether the waiter had gone all the way to dirkadirkastan to get our beer/ for taking my sister there, who is a rude and evil individual, and also steals salt and pepper pots, and occasionaly tablecloths.
Thrown out of The Works nightclub in Bristol (yes, its sh*t) for being sick on a bouncer and some pretty girls.
My local off license, for fighting over the last can of Helden Brau Super (central heating for tramps!)
Having written all this, its amazing I now have a job, a wife, and a better car than you!
(powermonkey poo is a weapon, monkeys use it, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 19:42, Reply)

Barred but it wasn't my fault
I was out in Stourbridge with my friends and we met up with a load of other people from our 6th Form in a pub called The Labour in Vain (more commonly referred to as The Labia amongst my friends). One of the lads with us who I shall pretend is called Simon Norcott (who had a reputation for being a total twunt) decided it would be a good idea to carry on drinking his own cans of Skol (WTF? It was 1995?!). Hence we were then barred from the place. I went back in there a week later and they didn't notice. Idiots.
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 19:40, Reply)

More Pool tables
Time, Christmas 1980, Last day at college, Lunchtime
Pub, The Wolds,
Location, West Bridgford Nottingham.
Pub was rammed with students, me and mates wanted to play pool but no room round table. Lunchtime drinking logic suggests taking pool table on to car park.
Result, landlord notices empty space, comes onto car park, insists we return pool table to the bar. (fucksocks) When we do the aforementioned return he promptly bars us for 12 months.
Pub is now one of those big eateries and doesn't have pool tables.
(Elnickouk, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 19:21, Reply)

About 2 years ago

a pedestrian hit me when I was out one day. Poor sod went flying right over my bonnet and into a hedge. I got banned from driving for 6 months.
(Lt Columbo, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 18:43, Reply)

..barred from a strip club.. probably
..four day stag nite in barca/ one chap was tit-robbed by some furtive gypsies/much debauchery class a substances/ended with your good self being bundled out of the toilets of a fairly classy strip bar - whilst having a shit/ into the street - apparently some twunt in the party had been trying to touch up the girls - cunthorse...
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 18:06, Reply)

Hmm
Both the times I got barred included pool tables, first time me and my friend got barred for going to the pub two nights in a row and taking 4 hours one night and 3 hours the next night to finish a game of pool, and barred from the same pub by the new landlords for dancing on said pool table after winning (finally) a two and a half hour game of pool. My name is still up behind the bar of people not to serve four years later, and I'm still that shit at pool.
( Hellsbelles shite at photoshop, flash and all that jazz, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 17:41, Reply)

Not exactly relevant, but...
In my... Local I suppose I'd call it, I've done the following:

-Thrown someone's hat up onto the barbed-wire roof.
-Purposely broken the fence while the landlord was staring at me from the other side of the carpark.
-Got caught (again by the landlord) drinking home-brought vodka just outside the doors, then going back in and not buying a drink the entire night.
-Pretended to be a bouncer at the entrance and not let people in.
-Gone on -quite loudly- countless times about one of the lasses who works there's MASSIVE norks.
-Been drinking there since I was 15 with a home-made fake ID.

I'm still welcome there. What a bloke... They still think I'm 3 years older than I am.
(Jeffro2608, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 16:13, Reply)

years ago now
I got barred from my then watering hole of Loves Street Club, for reasons completely out of my hands, or rather, exactly in them.

See not five minutes before the bouncers strolled up to me and manhandled myself and a friend out of the club, a bloke i know had walked up to our table, thrown down a huge block of weed (roughly £300 worth) and said that we were to 'hold onto that fucker'.
So we obliged, of course, and began to craftily smoke it to ourselves, only to be removed due to some concerned patrons who were sat next to us, members all of the local Police regiment.
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 15:25, Reply)