Isn't that what stalkers do?
I have always been a bit arty & creative, so I always have pens, pencils, scissors, glue, craft knives and the like hanging around.I've always been a bit pervy, so there's normally porn somewhere. And I've been a bit willing to overdo the beer and the (not so) MASSIVE DRUGS in the past.


And once, I combined the three.I'm not entirely sure what possessed me when I was drunk, stoned and horny to cut Phillipa Forrester's face out of the Sunday Supplement and stick it over that of the centrefold of the 'Club' magazine I had stashed in my first year Uni cell. Sorry 'Room'.

Well, actually, I am sure. I was drunk, stoned and horny.

Out came the craft knife and the pritt stick and, in my haze, I was pretty pleased with my work. So pleased that I decided to have a second attempt. If I remember rightly it was Kylie Minogues face that I cut out and found an appropriate size image to paste it over.

This was fun. I wanted to do more. I searched the supplement for more celebrity faces. Then I started hacking at my Empire Magazines. Then any old magazines I had laying around until until, in a blizzard of pervy creativity and scraps of paper I had my very own personalised Celebrity Wank Mag.

By then it was the early hours of the morning, my drunken high was wearing off and I was suddenly hit with the sheer...wrongness...of what I'd done. The hormones and hard on faded and I was pretty disgusted with myself. I cleared up as best I could, shoved the waste into the bin, but not quite being willing to throw away my handiwork, just chucked it under the bed and went to sleep, forgetting about it.

Forgetting about it until a week later, when in a very rare moment of success I had someone in my bed with me. No dirty wanking for me that night, I was going to get laid. Or at least, i would be if I had any condoms. Which I did. Under my bed. If she'd just reach under and get them for us...

The panic set in almost instantly but it was too late to stop me hearing 'What's this? Oh. It would be fun to read this together...'


No. It wasn't.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 11:53, 1 reply)

That Eastenders actress who was caught allegedly giving her boyfriend oral in a layby
At the time, for some reason I made a hilarious working paper model of her doing this and forgot I'd left it in a library book, where it was seen by the young male librarian when I took it back.

Crawled up my own backside in shame, taking my library ticket with me.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 12:13, closed)