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This is a question Wanking Disasters Part II

Despite the warnings contained in our previous question on The Act of Onan, you all still appear to be masturbating like monkeys in a zoo. Tell us your stories of jerking the gherkin and double-clicking the mouse.

Suggested by Mrs Entity and DaveExclamationMark, voted for by YOU

(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:22)
Pages: Popular, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Since I have no story
I'll just drop in a picture...

(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 14:17, 1 reply)
More a musing than a disaster, or maybe a sociological disaster
Several people have said so far this week that this QOTW is reserved for the gents, as apparently the word 'wanking' refers only to the male version. From a purely linguistic perspective I call bollocks, but it's made me think. Why is it a word that women never seem to use? There are plenty of slang synonyms for both the male and female versions (comic book artist Roberta Gregory once compiled a list of 159 terms for female wanking) but for some reason men have appropriated the generic wank in popular culture and have been allowed to do so.

On the one hand, I can understand women being reluctant to talk about wanking, because any admission by a woman of actually having had a wank is like a quick-launch button for the PanderTron, but how many genuinely have no stories to tell? I've been out with two women who never masturbated, ever. One of them was never able to explain why; the other said that she'd tried, didn't really feel anything, and sort of gave up. This was the same woman who could watch a porno when she was on her own and it would have no effect on her at all, yet put her in front of the same porno with me sitting next to her and she'd have ripped my kit off by the end of the opening credits. I tried to convince both of them that they were missing out, to no avail; there's just something deeply alien to my male psyche about the whole thing.


Maybe we need CHCB to motivate the troops* again.

*Not intended as a euphemism, although it does make them stand to attention.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 14:13, 22 replies)
Not exacty caught wanking
Sunday morning messing around online and decide that since I have nothing better to do then I'd have a nice long one.

So I'm sat there and have got the porn going getting into a nice rhythm when mid wank Mum sends us a facebook message so of course of have to stop what I'm doing and reply. I'm trying to keep it short so I can carry on spanking the monkey but she keeps going on about something inane. Finally get rid of her but by then the moment has passed and it just felt like a was wanking over my mum.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 14:05, 5 replies)
Telly Wank
I work for a company which does tech stuff and is very media friendly. A couple of people here regularly appear on TV and radio as pundits, usually at some daft hour of the morning or night, on business news programmes and so on.

One evening, a member of our HR department was at a loose end at home and decided to relive past glories by giving Polly Peanut a polish. She had the matter well in hand when she glanced up at the bedroom telly... and there was one of our finest, giving it his best and staring right at her. She was too far along to stop, so completed the task to the reassuring tones of matey chuntering on about Apple or Microsoft or Google or whatever, all the while looking like he was taking in the view approvingly.

She confessed this to her fellow HR ladies the next day, saying how weird it was having to talk to pundit boy. Somehow, the story got back to him. She doesn't know this. Everyone else does. At some point she'll realise that her home alone hero keeps dropping wank puns into the conversation while everyone else is just about keeping it together, and then she'll be rubbed up the wrong way.

There's no sign of it yet, though. The joke keeps on giving.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:59, 2 replies)
One of the most upsetting things someone can do
Is come back to get their mobile 'phone after they've left the house in the morning.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:58, 4 replies)
Cup of tea
MASSIVE DRUGS LOL ... eyes ... cup of tea ... Mum.

And rest
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:53, Reply)
The only 'lone' time I get, I can't do it.
Because the bastard cat always chooses this time to come in from the cold. I just can't get it up with him watching me!
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:53, 4 replies)
Hotel Breakfast Buffet
The attractive Coffee server at the Hotel Buffet breakfast was getting more than her fair share of oogling as she busied herself tottering between the tables offering top ups, but it wasn't until she moved on from our table that my colleague explained her look of utter disgust as she topped up both our cups.
The previous evening we had been karting and I had picked up an agonising injury to my hand which prevented me cutting a bread roll in half without clamping it between my fore arm and thigh and sawing it with my one good arm. If i'd been sitting in the middle of the room I would have just looked like a retard but with both arms covered by the table cloth a totally different image was completed. I kept both hands above the table when she was around for the remainder of the stay.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:50, Reply)
I once had a wank with some headphones on in my bedroom, with my eyes shut.
When I had finished I found a steaming hot mug of tea on the bedside table...

and it didn't have any sugar in it.

Ruined my day, that did.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:48, 3 replies)
Soul crushing rejection?
After what I considered to be a very succsessful bout of rigourous and uninhibted shagging I went off to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I came back to find my then other half pleasuring herself.

19 year old me was crushed, my ego battered that I hadn't been enough for her.

The fact that she had chosen to do the job herself rather than have a second round with me felt like a disaster to my fragile psyche.

These days, I'd just be glad of the rest.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:44, Reply)
So how else does a piece of wire end up inside your bladder?
A former relation by marriage suffered for some time from constant pain in his lower abdomen and frequently saw blood in his urine.

Long story short, he eventually had an operation to remove a large bladder stone.

I saw this stone on display in a jar beside his hospital bed, before it was whisked away for analysis.

Turns out that the stone had formed over several years around a short length of wire which had somehow found its way in there.

His mother decided that he must've swallowed the wire when he fell into a pond, aged 8, and that the subject was now closed, all right?

Only he knows for sure what'd gone on, or up, but I reckon he'd shoved it in there himself during some bizarre adolescent willy-play. Kids do things like that.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:38, 4 replies)
How about instead of banging on about how shit this QOTW is
you go visit this little bastard and suggest some yourselves, or click the ones that are already there? Scroll back a few pages, there are some gems. If there's one thing worse than a poor QOTW it's cunts banging on about how poor it is.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:35, 4 replies)
I'm pretty sure these QOTW's are getting worse.
/insert a story involving the word 'wank'
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:29, Reply)
There's nothing worse...
than someone finding your porn folder...

Especially when half of it is furry hentai.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:25, 4 replies)
Fans will remember I attended a public school from the age of 10-18.
It was proper Harry Potter-type stuff back then, but with beatings, cold showers, genuine abuse and paedophilia.

I was made a prefect in the sixth form, and one of the duties was to patrol the house dormitories until 12am.

I'd like to think that I retain a special place in some men's hatred purely for the fact that sheerly through carrying out my duties I am a walking wanking disaster.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:18, 2 replies)
Running out of ideas?
The end for b3ta is most certainly nigh when you're starting to recycle old QOTWs...........:(
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:16, 5 replies)
wrestling channel
came home from the dancing to find my brother asleep, sprawled over a couch cushion in the middle of the floor, trousers round ankles, cock in hand, porn on the television.
I lobbed my house keys across the room and when they connected with his forehead one hand pulled his trousers up while the other instinctively grabbed the remote and punched in the number for the wrestling channel.

"the wrestlings on" he drunkenly slurred half believing he might have got away with it.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:03, 3 replies)
I have never masturbated.
According to most of the stuff I've seen on the 'net... this is a disaster.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 13:00, Reply)
Trapped in Africa
When I was trapped in Africa by an unfortunate civil war in the Congo, access to gentlemen's leisure literature was exceedingly limited. And, being at a stage in my life where I would have shagged a barbershop floor given half the chance, something had to be done.

So, heeding the dire warning that I could catch some dreadful sexual disease just by shaking hands with a vicar, I did what any grown man would do when trapped in this sort of situation:

I drew my own porn.

Sadly, my artistic talents are non-existent, and each and every drawing looked like the mutant progeny of Ann Widdecombe and and explosion at a Space Hopper factory.

It did the job.

These days, I can only get a stiffy in the pencil department at Hobbycraft*, which is rare on account of the ASBO**.

** Also a lie
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:50, Reply)
Q:whats the most sensitive part of you when your having a wank?
A: Your hearing!
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:48, 1 reply)
Passed out naked...
...in front of the computer, trousers round ankles, bottle of vodka still on the desk, gentleman's interest video still running on loop...

...woke up in different clothes to the ones I'd been wearing before the wank, with my dad watching over me to make sure I didn't choke on my vomit in my sleep. Apparently I'd been quite... explosive.

We don't talk about it. Ever.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:48, 7 replies)
I wanked...
...over a picture of Mary Whitehouse.

(It's the answer that keeps on giving)
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:42, 5 replies)
Just to spare everyone else
Man ketchup bottle drainpipe condom.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:40, 1 reply)
must say, I have thoroughly enjoyed every wank I have ever had and not one of them could be considered a disaster.

Although the one where the image on screen changed to that fat mans hairy arse at the wrong moment wasn't in the top ten, but I'm a trooper, I carried on.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:38, Reply)
Ok the first real story, quick and dirty!
One of my ex's revealed the story to me of how she started on the road to masturbation. Rather than going in off the deep end, if you'll pardon the pun, she elected to find varying size objects around the house, a sort of masturbatory socket wrench set.

She started with a cotton bud apparently, I'd be surprised if that was a struggle.
Second up was a felt tip pen.
Then she hit the fridge salad crisper for a carrot, followed by a slightly bigger carrot.

The problem was she was disturbed by her parents coming home earlier than expected. She spent so much time worrying about her state of undress and her hair being out of place that she completely forgot about the fact that the kitchen floor was adorned with this trainee toolkit of titillation!

Needless to say it didn't take them long to work out what these unusually moist objects were doing on the floor lined up in size order.

Length? The furthest she got was about halfway up the big carrot.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:37, Reply)
Is it normal to be 30,
and having NEVER wanked?
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:30, 12 replies)
this is the stupidest QOTW EVER!
WHY???? The board will be filled with 'funny' stories along the line of:

I was having a wank
someone walked in/something fell on my penis.

Oh joy that we'll have 7 days off this.

And what about the women - I don't know one woman who has a 'hilarious' story about wanking.

See ya next Friday...
*teeth suck*
*walks off in disgust*
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:29, 50 replies)
three times a lady

(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:28, Reply)
Also, this question should be called 'Masturbatory Mishaps'. Wanking is about as unisex an expression as getting knocked up...
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:25, 10 replies)
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 12:24, 5 replies)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Popular, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1