The sales office
It was a horrible dodgy sales company,and it seemed to be filled,as I later realised with misfits, losers, and people whose lives had led them to this dodgy company,i was a naive sales monkey at the time,who had no idea what I'd let myself in for trying to sell advertising in a magazine, that it later transpired never got published, merely the company made enough magazines to distribute to the featured companies, and creamed off the profits.
There was the dodgy MD who called himself Tony Wilson which wasn't his real name, his real name was supposidly top secret, and he had to change his name because he'd been in Ireland with the Army and he was on an IRA hitlist, really it was because he was a bankrupt and had previously been banned from running a company. Then there was Simon, he told everyone he was part Italian, he came into work with fake tan on his face and told everyone he'd been out running and caught the sun, if so we asked, why did it not catch your neck, and how did you get it on your shirt? then there was dippy Louise the work experience girl, who said that her family used to practice ski-ing on the hill in their back garden, and who pissed herself laughing once.
There was Rocket Ronnie the mad scotsman,he was in anger management classes due to the fact that he once smashed his wifes favourite picture over her head saying 'you like it so much you can wear it' and for trying to strangle her with the telephone cord when she ran up an expensive phone bill. He was a nice guy for about 3 months and then he'd disapear for about two weeks on an almighty bender, then return. He nearly battered several people at work, although to be fair the guy he nearly ended up hitting in a sales meeting, Barry Denham, would have deserved it.
Barry was the worst of the lot, he had the red cheeked glow of the alcoholic, as were most of the people in the company,but he was awful, he would make pervy comments about all the girls, and if ou weren't careful he'd be sugesstive to some of the boys as well, he was two faced, it got to the stage where I took all my work home with me, well left it in my car overnight because he was always one of the first in the office and would go through peoples drawers, so I would leave post it notes in my drawers with messages like 'Get the fuck out ofmy desk you nosy cunt' or 'Get back to where you belong Twat' or even just 'Fuck off Barry'. He drove several people out with his bullying and used to try and turn people against each other.Instead of making sales cales he'd be on the phone to his bank, or after he left, they got the log for his phone and he'd been calling the speaking clock for up to three hours a day. There was no redeeming feature to this guy,and once he said to me, 'You don't want me to get inside your head, because when I do, I'll destroy you' which with me being a bit of a twat at the time took it as a challenge, and so we decided to wind him up, we stole his umbrella, photocopied it and then his the umbrella leaving photocopies everywhere. Then there was the night where he walked through Leeds with a post it note on his back saying 'Kick Me', we used to ring his extension and hang it up, which really drove him mad, and then one day he just left and never returned. Sometimes you can beat the office bullies. If I could ever get my arse into gear I'd write a book about the business, but I doubt anyone would ever beleive me.

I've never had to apologise about length before and I'm not about to start now! :)
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 25 Jan 2008, 18:05, Reply)