Management Speak
Truly the last resort for any wanker with very little to say, and an enormous fat gob with which to say it.

I have actually heard the following phrases in meetings:

"My_cat, you have failed to escalate this issue"

This after I tried to sort a problem out without running to the manager.

"My_cat, I am unhappy that you have PARKED this issue with me"

This after I had run to the manager after the previous warning (see above). By the way, am I working in an office or an NCP?

"I'm just Blue Sky thinking here - but I'd like to put forward a suggestion that pushes the envelope"

HANG THE FUCK ON - Isn't Blue Skying a polite way of saying Bull Shitting? Isn’t it all just BS? Oh, and by the way we LICK the envelope round here - pushing it is just basically moving it from one part of the desk to another. (Issue parking wankers)

"Can I get an idea on when we're expecting sign off?"

Right, this last one looks ok. It's grammatically wank, it means FUCK ALL.
"Can I get.." = Can I have
"an idea on" = the date of
"when we're expecting" Totally superfluous
"sign off" = Authorisation.

But hey, why use 7 words when 11 will make you look like a:
"client focused, task driven individual with a real eye on the forward game" = cunt

Apologies for length = We as a company take our responsibilities very seriously, and if we've failed to deliver an expected outcome, we would like to offer you our sincerest regret, however, we feel we should point out that length can often be a subjective term and as such, we apologise without prejudice.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 22:40, 7 replies)

Arses
I dont know how you could continue to work in that type of environment!
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 0:55, closed)

Well
I shall pass on your concerns to the management team, however you should take into account that we are all stakeholders in the success of this organisation. You have to get on board with our core values and focus on delivery.
( BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 10:30, closed)

Think of it as
An automatic twat-detector.

You don't have the bother of deciding if someone is a deluded tiny-tackled over-ego'd mouthbreathing pond-dwelling BMW 3 series driving Barratt Faux-Georgian shithole occupying complete and utter brainwashed fuckwit son of a village idiot and domestic mammal.

Just wait for them to use one of the 'M-Speak' phrases and hey presto! they're revealed in all their glory as a cretin.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sat 26 Jan 2008, 13:31, closed)

Wank Word Bingo is the way forward.
Trust me on this. Make a bingo grid, but not numbers, no! Use every 'buzz word' (I shudder at using one) you can think of.
The catch is, the winner is the person who uses the best method to let the room know they have a full house...we had someone who actually brought an electioneering megaphone to yell 'BINGO' at full volume.
Next time you are in a meeting, dish photocopies out and let the fun commence.
(General Lee, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 18:08, closed)

Hopefully we can...
...dynamically synergise to determine an emergent dynamic on the group dynamic, dynamically.

Person who uses the word dynamic = twat.
(Pig_of_Doom, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 13:18, closed)

Trying to click 'I like this...'
...but we must remember there's no 'I' in team. Therefore, the team likes this.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 16:45, closed)

'Use' is a three letter word
I'm currently going through powerpoints (the bane of my existence), replacing every occurrence of the verb "leverage" and replacing it with "use".

Because "use" is a word and "leverage" is not a word.

Bloody management twunts. I feel your pain, my_cat.
( admiral crunch holds the newsreader's nose squarely, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 14:49, closed)