The Tale of Buttercup
Several years ago now, I found myself out of work and with a bit of time on my hands. I was living on a small organic farm in the West of England. It was mostly dairy, but with a sideline in organic produce – home-made bread, cakes, spreads and all other things fashionably organic.
Not having much to do, I used to help out around the place. One of my duties was to tend to the colony of bees that inhabited the hives dotted about this rural idyll, which we harvested for their honey. I also used to help with the herd.
One day, I went out into the fields in the evening as usual to get the cows in for milking, and I noticed that my favourite heifer, Buttercup, was lying on her side looking mournful and lowing at the sky. ‘Good gracious!’ thought I. ‘Whatever can be the matter?’ Picking up my skirts, I scampered over the grass to her side, and saw that she had somehow broken all four of her limbs at once.

Now, as anyone with any experience with dairy stock knows, this is a disaster for the animal concerned. More than that. It’s curtains. Time up. Game over. Goodnight. Vets are expensive, and the bovine joint structure a fiendishly complicated thing. I laid my head on her heaving flanks and wept copiously, as I knew that the farmer would surely show no mercy even to this, my favourite cow.

Unless…

With urgency and my love for Buttercup lending wings to my feet, I fled back to the farm and to my room, where I threw open the cupboard containing my collection of rollerskates. They were precious relics from my days working as an extra on ‘Xanadu’, and were normally kept under wraps for very special occasions. But this was for Buttercup.
Grabbing four special skates and a bundle of bandages, I dashed back to the field, where the poor beleagured heifer awaited. As quickly as I could (for night was falling and the wolves were beginning to gather at the edges of the wood) I bound up her limbs and laced the Golden Rollers firmly to her hooves. When I was finished, her legs were rigidly encased in plaster and unable to bend. With the manic and disprortionate strength that only true love lends, I hauled her to her feet, where she stood, perfectly still and unable to move and inch. Cows can’t skate.
I admit, I had failed to allow for this fact of nature. I was on the point of despair. It seemed that all my efforts were to prove in vain. If I couldn’t get her to move, the game would be up.

But then came the flash of genius, the Archimedes-in-the-bath moment that was to change both our lives forever.

Slightly fed up of all this dashing about though I was, I ran back again to the farm where I made a beeline(narf) to the nearest hive. Showing no fear, I plunged my arm deep into the swarming bowels of the colony, plucking out a handful of the most active and ferocious little beggars. I ran back to Buttercup, trailing fuzzy friends, escaping their stings through sheer serendipity. I reached her. I snapped open the casing on the specially-modified wheels. One by one, I coaxed the bees within. And then, through a mechanism inexplicable through a conventional understanding of engineering principles, the circling of the bees within began to turn the wheels. Slowly at first, and then faster and faster, my dear Buttercup began to move, trundling across the field, then out through the gate, and off into the sunset and pastures new.

I stood, briefly, watching her silhouette move across the evening sky, full of satisfaction at a job well done and a unique sense of pride at the things I had just invented.

They were bee-steered cow legs.







I’m really sorry.
(jennymnemonic, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 11:47, 11 replies)

Best. Elaborate. Pun. Ever.

( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 11:51, closed)

^Seconds that motion^
Pooflake - yours was good, but I spoke too soon.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:01, closed)

I wish I'd
now put more time into writing my back story now. :(
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:03, closed)

For the love of GOD!

*bows*

*scratches head*

*Looks for number of therapist*

*clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:09, closed)

I attempted to pad-out my puns
You've shown me howto do it properly.

*bows*
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:10, closed)

you win.
pooflake, take notes; this is how it's done! :D

*click*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:10, closed)

*clicks*
Fantastic.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 12:15, closed)

Yay!
you get a best in show rosette for that.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:06, closed)

Outstanding
And you should remove the apology, this answer is a work of pure beauty
(Jugular, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:15, closed)

oh wow
That is brilliant...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 13:33, closed)

aww cheers loves
you've brightened my morning. :)
(jennymnemonic, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 11:42, closed)