This is going to be difficult to describe...

I don’t know about you, but in my life I have been asked a few times:

“Have you ever been knocked out?” & “Have you ever broken your nose”

My answer to both those questions is ‘yes’ but people are a little bit surprised to find out that I actually did both…at the same time…to myself.

I used to work in a car parts warehouse in Coventry. I was assigned to the ‘Large Parts’ department (Quite apt I thought…or should that be ironic?)

My daily duties involves chugging about on a little electric cart thingy, dragging a wooden crate behind me and filling it with assorted car parts from locations within the warehouse.

Think Ikea…but getting paid for it…and without the ‘Hell on earth-ness’

Anyhoo, as you can imagine these locations are different shapes and sizes and on this particular occasion I had to pick large heavy bags containing rubber car mats.

The mats were situated within a large location on the floor. It was a container about 4ft high and 5ft across. I climbed into it and scrabbled about trying to free a bag of mats from the tangled pile. A minute or so later I came up with the (clearly brilliant) idea of just lifting a bag straight out of the pile, thus freeing it from its entangled state.

So with clenched fists, I grabbed both corners of the bag and, remembering my finest manual handling training, stood straight up using my legs to bear the load and my arms to heave the bag straight up towards me, thus saving my back any strain.

It was relatively soon after I had made this decision (about 0.76 seconds) that I was suddenly reminded that the container was only 4ft high….and I am over 6ft tall.

Mere moments after twonking my dumb-ass head on the roof of the container, I was given a short sharp lesson in inertia as my arms continued to rise with the force of my lift…directly towards their new target…my face.

Still clutching the heavy bags, I promptly proceeded to punch myself smack in the mush. Or to be more precise, right on the end of my nose.

Really.really.bastard.hard.

I remember that ‘klong’ sound you get in your head as your vision blurs and you get a sweet millisecond of shock / disbelief before the pain sets in.

‘Did…that…hurt….did…...it?……ooooh bugger!’

Before I lost consciousness I had the happy experience of watching my poor hooter explode and a red river of precious lifejuice splurge over the contents of the brown paper bags like a fountain at Disney Land after someone had dumped a whole box of Daz Automatic with red dye in it.

It was about 15 minutes before I was found in a crumpled, burbling heap and by that time I had ejected so much blood that I resembled a walking period.

It was in my eyes…it covered my clothes…it was fucking everywhere. This dark little container of rubber mats looked like an out-take from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I don’t know exactly how much blood I lost…you don’t think to ask for a measuring jug as blood pisses from your shattered nostrils at a rate like when you hold your finger over the end of a hose pipe.

I was dragged woosily to the inept onsite nurse and she sat there flapping and dabbing at me all over with bits of wet cotton wool as I monged and spacked in equal measure.

Still…it’s not all bad. I got to go home early on full pay so managed to be in the pub by half 2...even if I did have to sacrifice my boyish good looks to resemble Ricky Hatton’s uglier and less successful brother.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:53, 4 replies)

I once broke someone's nose.
We were playing squash. I hammered the ball down the court, and it hit him in the face on the rebound.

He was doubled up on the floor in pain with his hands around his face. I, too, was doubled up on the floor - with laughter. Does this make me a bad person?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 15:57, closed)

Enzyme
I was playing squash with a friend, twatted the ball, it came back and hit me on the rebound. Really hard. On the nipple. I was crying with pain, and my friend was just pissing himself.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 16:05, closed)

"monged and spacked in equal measure"
that line just had me laughing so hard that i now feel quite sick.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 9 Aug 2008, 1:06, closed)

monged and spacked in equal measure
Classic. *click*
(Patfish, Mon 11 Aug 2008, 7:50, closed)