Ceramics
First day back at school after the summer holidays and it was PE for the first 'lesson'. As we all waited outside to be let inside for some ritual humiliation in shorts, I and a fellow pupil thought it would be funny to throw some bits of a broken plate at each other.

They were tiny bits, really. But when one of them went wide and hit Suzanne Rook (whose mother said she couldn't wear a bra until she was 17 even though she had norks like basketballs), we realised that a tiny piece of plate is sharper than it looks. Razor sharp, in fact. Especially when it hits you in the forehead where all of those blood vessels are close to the surface.

Well, it was like that scene from Carrie. Poor 'Rooky' was jetting blood from her forehead and it was running down her face in numerous streams like she'd been scalped. It was all over her clothes, and her expression was generally one of unspeakable gore. Other girls started screaming that she was going to die and one thing was clear - I was in the shit.

What I remember most clearly, however, is that as I stood in front of the apoplectic headmaster he asked me if my brains were made of pease pudding.

Under the circumstances, the best answer would have been a mumbled "Yes, sir" or "No, sir" - either which would have sufficed. What I shouldn't have done under any circumstances was ask him what pease pudding was... and then crack up laughing with a suicidal abandon. I just couldn't stop. Even as his face empurpled and I saw the mother of all bollockings approach, I couldn't stop thinking about the ridiculous notion of pease pudding in my head.

He screamed at me so loudly that I lost my hearing for a while.
(frankspencer, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 20:39, 2 replies)

I just wanted to applaud you
for the beautiful word "empurpled".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 21:37, closed)