Explosion.
Once, I had a pimple in the area between my buttcheeks and my cods... kinda in the 'taint' territory, but along the natural crease. It was just a zit. At first. Or so I thought.

Over a week or so, it grew.

Man, did it grow! It grew larger, more painful and more infected. It became half the size of a man's fist.

It was tender, large and painful - and squishy! It was somewhere in the "that's not going to heal itself too easily" end of the medical spectrum.

I visited a doctor. Such a nice and unassuming man. A really laid back bloke. An NZ-born Chinese.

"So, how can I help you today?"

"I have a skin infection..."

"Let's take a look."

Cue the Doc asking me to drop trou and have a butchers. Trou down, bent over and this nice chap looking at what was decidedly nasty.

I asked him if he would lance it.

"No way!" he cried, "Here, have some antibiotics!" Frankly I don't blame him. That thing looked like it would go off like Lister's head. I nicknamed it "The Thing", much to a dear friend's chagrin.

A couple of days of waddling like a haystack later, it burst, in the wee hours of the morning.

I was staying over at my (then) girlfriend's place and delighting in sleeping on those 2000-count Egyptian cotton sheets.

I woke up. In a puddle.

I thought that maybe the previous evening's sinking over-rated and over-priced wine (French cat piss brought by her guests for the most part) and her exotic pseudo-Moroccan cooking had done its most embarrassing worst.

I sat up, looked down and just about lost the previous evening's repast. It looked as if someone had miscarried. No, I didn't lose my guts.

The 'Thing' had burst.

There was bright red blood, dark blood-like fluid and foul gluey pus and all manner of foul smelling watery material on the bed, and stuck to my arse and sac. The puddle was a good foot or so of foul smelling, eye watering biological mess. I don't recall smelling anything quite so revolting in my entire life - worse even than the stench of a rotting animal corpse. It was beyond repugnant.

And her? She woke up and hit the frickin' roof. The biological nature of it was nothing much to her, or the fact that I had a two inch wide crater in my body that was still seeping and oozing and had a two inch flap of skin waving in the breeze. No. Fuck no. The damage to the sheets was her most significant interest.

I felt relieved. Greatly.

I smiled. Showered. Dressed for work, putting a plaster on my arse as I did, and left.

And sent two dozen roses, not that they would relieve that stench!

At least I didn't have to wash the sheets.
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Fri 12 Jul 2013, 14:23, 8 replies)

incineration would be my choice
for the sheets, that is
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 12 Jul 2013, 14:30, closed)

I have never wanted you more.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 12 Jul 2013, 14:47, closed)

Good God ....................

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 12 Jul 2013, 14:54, closed)

I had one of those, much the same by the sound of it, but at the top of my inner thigh. This monster had three heads. I was heavily pregnant at the time, and the "Thing" burst while I was on the loo... so much fluid was there that I seriously thought my waters had broken.

Nothing can compare to that stench.
(Freakmandu, Fri 12 Jul 2013, 15:03, closed)

Totally having a big old wank to this.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 12 Jul 2013, 16:13, closed)

I think we have a winner.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 12 Jul 2013, 16:37, closed)

this

( mikenco, Sat 13 Jul 2013, 17:44, closed)

Concur
I had one of those too - at the top inner thigh. Number One son had a tooth growing in the middle of the roof of his mouth so I figured that maybe I was growing an extra, slightly off-course, testicle.

Then one day it stopped being a grape-sized ingrown zit and became a golf-ball-sized hard spot on my leg. I went to the Family Practice and the PA told me it would likely go away on its own shortly.

She neglected, however, to mention the stench and the ooze that would accompany it - nor the crater in my leg from which I continued to extract papery strips for several more days.
(thanatos, Sat 13 Jul 2013, 21:31, closed)