My Magic Testes
by Horatio Geraghty. This little-known nineteenth-century novella was published privately by a London barrister who went partially insane after inhaling toxic fumes.

The book tells the tale of a man, Gerald Orchidius, who discovers one day that his testicles are magic. That is, he believes they can talk to him and that they exude a telekinetic power. The rest of the book features some of his adventures with the magic testes. Here's a sample:

Chapter three - Gerald spends a day at the races and uses his magic testes' otherworldly knowledge to bet only on winners. Unfortunately, he is ejected from the racecourse when police discover him pushing a baked potato into his underpants "because my balls are hungry".

Chapter seven - Gerald's testes tell him that his landlady Mrs Scroggins is gagging for some hot porking action, so Gerald breaks into her rooms and greets her with his testes sitting on a tray surrounded by a fresh green salad. She faints, and awakes to find the testes resting on her forehead, whereupon she faints again. When she awakes once more, it is to see Gerald feeding an ice bun to his hungry balls. She faints once more and is admitted to Bedlam.

Chapter 11 - At risk of losing his job, Gerald is told by his magic testes to surprise the judge with a gesture of his amazing abilities. So it is that Judge Twackleton reaches for his bedside glass of water one evening to instead find his hand settling on two hairy eggs. Gerald is standing there in his bedroom with his trousers down and proceeds to translate in a high-pitched ventriloquists' voice what his testes are telling him: "Let Gerald keep his job and all will be well...." Gerald is arrested and thrown into an asylum.

Chapter 22 - having become the most popular resident of the asylum, Gerald arranges to put on a one-man show starring his testes. He organises an afro wig and some gaudy make-up for his package and then drops his pants on stage to perform a song and dance routine. All of the ladies present faint, and a few other inmates are moved to cannibalism. Gerald is locked in a windowless cell.

Chapter 31 - Hovering on the edge of true madness, Gerald is told by his testes to tunnel his way to freedom. He is found dead three days later with a worn-down match and evidence that he'd been scratching at the stone flagging.

The book was a commercial failure, selling only 14 copies. Horatio was ridiculed and ended up selling onions on a street corner. It changed my life because it shows how one man's creativity isn't worth shit-all in the harsh world of reality.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 May 2008, 9:41, 6 replies)

Yes well,
I think your one testes short of a pair of hairy bollocks yourself.
( girlinthehole, Fri 16 May 2008, 9:45, closed)

Beauty and the beholder?
dont you like to read your own stuff, Frank?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 16 May 2008, 10:00, closed)

Baz
For me, writing is a bodily function. I have to get it out, and evacuating it feels good, but I have no interest in looking at it afterwards.
(frankspencer, Fri 16 May 2008, 10:08, closed)

one man's creativity isn't worth shit-all in the harsh world of reality
Possibly yes. But there are still those - myself included - who are more likely to buy a book from Mr. Geraghty than an onion.

I suspect there would be more than 14 who thought like that these days too.
( djtrialprice, Fri 16 May 2008, 10:12, closed)

Frank,
fair enough, boss! I read and re-read myself and feel well smug about it if I feel I pulled off what I was trying to say. It's a bonus I suppose if someone else likes it too as the goal is communication, naturally. How often in your daily life does it seem you're the only one making sense or using words to actually say something instead of just verbally gratifying each other with cliche?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 16 May 2008, 10:15, closed)

Nice!
A silly post that ended with a serious note. Good one!

Even if you never become a bestselling author, you can always bring a smile to people's faces through web-forums.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 16 May 2008, 14:18, closed)