21 years ago
I sat in a classroom during a group reading session, the gigantified book we were all enjoying at the time was 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'.
I loved how he ate through an apple, two pears, an ice cream and so on, until he had a stomachache (this is how it's written in the book, don't blame me). Then of course he chrysalises and turns into a beeooteefal butterfly. Ahhh....

When my daughter was about 3 this became her favourite bed time book.
So I read it, over, and over again. I was sick of it. So sick of it, in fact, that one night when the little 'un had been playing up, and I was trying to get her off to sleep by reading to her at 3am, I got to the bit where he eats his way through the apple, became furious and shouted,
'RIGHT, THAT'S IT! You know it turns into a cunting butterfly in the end, now get to fucking sleep!'

Which may have been mean, but it worked, she hasn't been up late since.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:07, 15 replies)

Hmmm
*keeps children away from the angry goat fondler*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:09, closed)

*Now with added sex offender yumminess.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:11, closed)

haaaa
I hope when I have kids that I remember your method of telling stories.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:16, closed)

I hope you printed and kept the first tale from Far far away.
You have to read it to them, when your womb gets round to prolapsing a child.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:19, closed)

Ewww
what a horrible phrase. I love it.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:20, closed)

A friend of mine
asked whether my ex Mrs had 'dropped the sprog' yet when she was pregnant. I love that phrase.
But not as much as when the nipper was born she had a hip problem, and he forever referred to her as Robocop, because of the splint she had to wear.

What a cunt :D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:25, closed)

when I was digging
dIgging for a living I wasn't allowed to take the really heavy wheelbarrows up the ramp in case I got a prolapsed womb. H&S made the big boys do it. Sod their hernias.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:25, closed)

*sniggers*
Digging for a living eh?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:31, closed)

Big Boy prolapsed your womb...?
*shudders*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:38, closed)

You've got to be a
seriously big boy to poke someones womb.

Haven't you?

Speaking of that, does anyone else find it odd that in porn the men always have huge knobs and the women don't look the slightest bit uncomfortable about putting them up their bottoms. Do they have some sort of super lube for use in porn, or are the women actually very good actresses in pretending it doesn't hurt or do they have some sort of epidural before they start?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:43, closed)

@al
I stopped using porn a couple of years back, it's just nasty.

The reason they don't (I think you can see how they really feel about it in their eyes though, not nice) look like it's uncomfortable for them is the hundreds of dollars they've been paid to do it, or the drugs I suspected most of the 'actresses' to be on.

Porn = not good.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:46, closed)

@al
I was thinking about this only yesterday... for some reason... anyway. Anyway, according to the, er, literature, one can stretch one's holes, though I like the sound of the epidural more.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:47, closed)

Errm, i'm not sure I want to ask
but how does one "stretch ones holes"? Are there a series of dildos gently increasing in size, like drill bits?

hmm, looks like that's a 9 1/2" no.12 there, damn, I'm all out of rawl plugs, it'll never stay in there.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 16 May 2008, 11:55, closed)

*boik*
As Bert says, you can see it in their eyes. Their cold, dead eyes.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 16 May 2008, 12:03, closed)

Don't get me wrong DIT
porn has it's time and place, it's a quick fix solution. It's ok for a quick wank, the sight of jublies and hoo-haas is enough to get any man going.
But it's when you sit and watch it, usually just after coming, and you see what's really going on, and you feel dirty, so very very dirty.

Not to mention that I know some very socially retarded people who have watched too much of it, and end up being totally unable to talk to women because they've SEEN TOO MUCH.

Nothing wrong with using the old imagination instead, I say.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 16 May 2008, 12:11, closed)