Breakin' The Law'I'd taken some mushrooms in a pub,' writes Allen Smithee, 'and things had got a bit odd. People turning into goblins, barstools into toadstools etc. I wandered off from my friends and found myself in a carpark. I noticed a huge liquorice allsort driving towards me and Bertie Basset got out. I kinda realised that Bertie was a policeman and my brain went into paranoid fast forward. I decided that I must be being arrested and said, "I'll just get in the back of your car, Officer" Bertie looked at me with disgust, "Not bleeding likely sunshine. Just piss off home ok?"'
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rob, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 20:34)
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Lemony goodnessOnce upon a childhood we lived next door to an elderly angel who played the organ down the local church. Possibly not the best neighbour for three young boys. She was a right old dragon, always complaining to our mum about anything we did, and practicing her organ loudly at 2AM. We hated her with a passion and always schemed to make her life a misery in retaliation.
One time my brother scaled her back fence and pinched all the lemons from the tree in her backyard. When she complained to our mum we gave them back, via a cricket bat and her roof. She then called the cops.
They turned up later that afternoon and tried to get us to admit it was us. We each denied all knowledge, so we copped a lecture on the pitfalls of a life of crime and the benefits of little old ladies or somesuch. It's kinda hard to remember because of the fact that the lecturing cop's partner chose to stand beside him with his hands in his trouser pockets the whole time, which perhaps wasn't the best look, seeing as this simply made it plainly obvious that he had forgotten to do up the fly of his trousers that morning.
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Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 12:15,
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