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This is a question Breakin' The Law

'I'd taken some mushrooms in a pub,' writes Allen Smithee, 'and things had got a bit odd. People turning into goblins, barstools into toadstools etc. I wandered off from my friends and found myself in a carpark. I noticed a huge liquorice allsort driving towards me and Bertie Basset got out. I kinda realised that Bertie was a policeman and my brain went into paranoid fast forward. I decided that I must be being arrested and said, "I'll just get in the back of your car, Officer" Bertie looked at me with disgust, "Not bleeding likely sunshine. Just piss off home ok?"'

(, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 20:34)
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After drinking approx a bottle of Gin
I ended up COMPLETELY blootered. Seriously and absolutely minging. We were walking back to a mates house to continue the festivities and I thought it would be a grand idea to kick over one of the plastic warning bars around a gas pipe that was being worked on, just as a copper car was coming past. Cue coppers braking to a halt and reversing. One of my female friends (I couldn’t speak) explained to the policeman that I had just fallen into the bar, to which the copper replied, “If he can pick it back up, we’ll let him off”.

I couldn’t. I was so pissed I fell into the hole. I gave it another try, and then sort of muttered “hvsssmmamammsmams” and started staggering off down the road. Mr Policeman was having none of this and promptly nicked me, put me in the back of the car and explained to my friends that I was spending the night in the local cop Hilton. No problem.

I was remarkably calm about all this, until I started accusing the two coppers of nicking my tabs. Of course, I’d smoked the lot before being arrested. They said they hadn’t. I said they had. This escalated until I was *screaming* abuse at them. Once we were in the station and I was being charged, one of the friends I was with previously rang up and explained that he was a trainee solicitor, and could he speak to me. I was put on the phone and started calling the desk sergeant worse that shite, screaming down the phone really, to which he said, “Put the desk sergeant back on please would you?” as it was obvious I was in no state to hold a civil conversation.

Things got worse when I then started accusing them of nicking all my personal belonging’s including a gold ring I got off a grandparent for a 21st birthday. Bundled into the cell, I shouted and hurled abuse whilst sitting on the thin mattress directly opposite the cell door until I passed out appox 2 hours later.

I have to stress here that I was completely out of control. By this time I could walk, but it seemed as if the gin had created a weird bypass of all calm thought and tapped into the primitive anger centre of my brain. I was being an arsehole. An utter, utter arsehole. I have nothing against the law at all usually, and respect and admire the job they do but this time, I was a dervish.

At 6am I woke up, saw where I was and thought “Oh. HELL. What’s happened here?” Asking for a drink of water I got the “Ohhhh, you’re awake now are you?” in a really sweet and understanding voice.

The crunch to all this? My father has worked in the police force for over 30 years, and is well know to all around the region. As soon as they knew my surname they bumged me up in a cell, but in the morning it was “You aren’t XXXXX’s son are you?” to which they full well knew I was and I had to listen for 45 minutes about how disappointed my father would be, and how he’s so well respected to all, a well liked man in the brotherhood of police etc etc etc. While I was being printed, photographed and cationed.

To top it all off, I got home ready to explain what had happened to dad, and someone from his station had recognised me. And gave him a phone call. And he let me know about how disgusted he was at me.

Somehow, A good kicking would have been so much better.

I have never drank as much gin in my life again…………….

Sorry for the long post, but I’m so glad to get that off my chest. :)
(, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 12:35, Reply)

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