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This is a question Breakin' The Law

'I'd taken some mushrooms in a pub,' writes Allen Smithee, 'and things had got a bit odd. People turning into goblins, barstools into toadstools etc. I wandered off from my friends and found myself in a carpark. I noticed a huge liquorice allsort driving towards me and Bertie Basset got out. I kinda realised that Bertie was a policeman and my brain went into paranoid fast forward. I decided that I must be being arrested and said, "I'll just get in the back of your car, Officer" Bertie looked at me with disgust, "Not bleeding likely sunshine. Just piss off home ok?"'

(, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 20:34)
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my old boss could drink
and so was always good for a story. One time him and a group of buddies went for a beano up the coast somewhere - there was about 16 of them so they hired a minibus, leaving at about 6am and arriving in time for the pubs to open.

Designated driver is on soft drinks all day, and after a few hours they hit the bookies to catch Channel 4 racing. The driver backs a long shot and wins a few hundred quid, so its back to the pub to celebrate. Chucking out time comes and they all head back to the minibus, where they realise the driver in his joy of winning "forgot" his responsibilities and is now as paralytically drunk as the rest of them. After a brief discussion they decide he can drive them home anyway.

So they're tearing down the motorway when the sirens come on and they all start to panic, until one guy comes up with a plan. They pull over, and all run off over the fields in different directions, assuming there will only be two coppers so they won't be able to catch them all and identify the driver. Except getting 16 fat, drunk old men out of a minibus takes longer than two athletic sober coppers do getting out of an Escort. The last guy out doesn't like his chances and decides to hide under the minibus.

He sees two sets of feet walk around the vehicle, then a flashlight shines under the van - "would you mind coming out here, please Sir?". Sheepishly he crawls out.

"Have you any idea how fast this van was going back there?" Plod asks

"No, but it was going a fair old stink when it knocked me over, Officer"
(, Fri 9 Jan 2004, 10:22, Reply)

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