The full story of the abcess.
I've alluded to it before, but I'm not sure I've ever told the whole story.

Back in 1998, I found a lump in my right tit while taking a bath one night. It was fucking huge. Called husbandatthetime into the bathroom, and he agreed it was indeed a huge lump.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I was 23. Fuck. No, there's no way in hell this can be happening to me. Call the doctor. Doc says come in in 3 days and we'll take a look.
3 nerve wracking days, and a couple of library books later, I go in to the doc safe in the knowledge that I actually have an abcess right next to my nipple. (Blood lines running through my tit, the fact it's rapidly gotten bigger and it hurts so much I can't even wear a bra).

Doc agrees. Puts me on antibiotics. 3 days later, it's definitely getting worse, I can barely wear a t-shirt, let alone move my right arm. Abcess is coming to a "head" and yet I can't touch it to try and squeeze it out. Call doc in tears at 5pm, trying to get an appointment. Doc sends me to casualty.
The A&E surgeon takes one look at my tit (thank god she was female - not that it actually mattered at that point, but I hadn't shaved my armpits as I couldn't, and she understood) and asks where the husband is. She drags him in from the waiting room.
"Sir, your wife has to have surgery in the morning to remove the abcess so she doesn't get further infected". Me: "whimper" Him: "whimper"
So I send him off home to get me pj's and books and under strict instruction he is not to call mum until I'm out of surgery and ok. So, the next morning, I'm sneaking out for a cigarette and the nurse literally collars me halfway downstairs and yanks be back. "Sorry luv, you're going into surgery in 20 minutes. I resign myself to them taking off my jewelry, removing my nail polish (remember, it was emergency surgery so I didn't have time to do it before they admitted me).

2 hours later, I wake up and hubby is there by the side of the bed. "How you feeling love?" "Get me a doctor NOW to give me an anti-emetic" was how I was feeling.
He did. "Oh, and I called your mum at school, but couldn't get through, so I called your gran". He'd only gone and told them that I was in the hospital having emergency surgery on my tit, he was supposed to tell them I was in hospital for a light procedure but I'd be ok.
Once we got everyone calmed down (and I got my anti-emetic), I was told I had the choice. Be discharged the next day with a daily nurse, or stay in hospital for a week.
I opted for the daily nurse.

Poor fucking guy, and I feel bad for the this. When the nurse took the first dressings out after surgery, it hurt so much I almost punched her. So the next day when the district nurse came round, he gets a metal pole out of his bag and explains that he has to see how deep the wound is (they left it open but with packing so it wouldn't re-infect). I put my hand under his nuts (without touching him) and said "you hurt me, I hurt you". Meanwhile, husband is in the toilet trying valiantly not to be sick while yelling "bleurgh gag urgh, you ok? 'splash splatter bleurgh".
The nurse actually took it in good humour, but he sent a woman round the next day. I guess I did actually scare him (which is why I feel bad).
As the female nurse put it "Your nerves in that nipple are no longer. Sorry".

How wrong she was. The nerves in that nipple knitted back together, and it's now a direct connection between tits and clit. Oh yeah! (and the scar is awesome)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 7 May 2010, 6:14, 3 replies)

I'm glad you are better..
But that last sentence really turned me on. Really, really, very sorry.
( DeadEyeDick, Fri 7 May 2010, 8:01, closed)

I had a large abscess removed once
Not from a particularly sensitive place but still having the dressings changed and the gaping hole cleaned every day hurt like fuck. You have my sympathy.

Incidentally my then-gf squeezing it was what turned it from "strange little lump" to "if we don't operate now you might lose the use of your leg". Careful what you poke :)
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Fri 7 May 2010, 9:09, closed)

Old joke warning
I had an abscess on my rectal sphincter that caused me to make a noise like a moped whenever I broke wind. As it was getting annoying, I went to the doctor, who reassured me by telling me it was quite common that, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

awaits spang
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Fri 7 May 2010, 9:53, closed)