SUPERMAN !!!
Oooohhh!!! Dairylea triangles and crackers!!! I thought as I sat on the bench at breaktime, swinging my legs merrily as I contemplated the processed cheesy goodness I was about to receive.

Suddenly I feel an arm grab me from behind and yank me off the bench. My cheese triangles and crackers go flying, which made me cry a bit. Then I hear a gruff voice, its Dean, the designated thug of Class 4B, my form class:

"Spanky, you're a big gay! You wear glasses and that makes you a big gay!"

Being five or six, I didn't know what the fuck Dean was talking about, so, as I'm clambering to my feet and brushing leaves off my short trousers, I say:

"No I'm not... what's a gay?"

Dean starts laughing and thumps me in the arm: "You like kissing boys!"

With that I straightened my glasses, picked up my Transformers lunchbox (with matching Jazz drinks flask), planted both my hands on either side of Dean's cheeks, and gave him a big sloppy kiss.

Then I ran off.

And Dean never bothered me after that; he was too scared I might kiss him again, I think.

But this encounter made me realise something - I was different. There was something about me that made me stand out from the rest of the class, something I'd never really thought about before: I was a four-eyed little prick. This sense of being different was exacerbated a few weeks later when Form 4B went on their first ever trip to the swimming baths. It was scary. Particularly so for me as I had to get changed into my trunks, the strange and horrible smell of chlorine permeating the cold, harsh place, only to be told by the Nazi games teacher that I had to LEAVE my specs in the changing rooms. I then spent a confusing hour splashing about, walking into things and people, and generally acting like a drunken dwarf on account of not being able to see a fucking thing.

It was hard being a speccy twat.

Then I discovered something AMAZING! My dad bought me a comic on a journey over to my grandparents to keep me quiet - I opened it, and THERE HE WAS! AND HE WORE GLASSES! AND - MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL - HE WAS HARD AS FUCK!

Back in school on Monday morning Form 4B are sat round learning their two times table. I see that Dean and some of his cronies are knocking about at the back of the class. I'll show um. I'll put the fear of God into um. I put up my hand and ask if I can go to the bog. The teacher, harrassed and probably hung over with some strangers cum still dripping out her flange from the night before, agrees.

And I go.

And I come back moments later, running round the desks with my arms outstretched infront of me, making weird zooming noises. And I've put my Y-fronts on over my trousers.

"Spanky! What on Earth are you doing!?!" Screams the teacher, trying to catch me. The rest of the class are looking at me a little dumbstruck.

I stop, put my hands on my hips and declare: "I'm SUPERMAN, Miss!"

This'll learn um all! I think.

Then one of the other kids says: "Superman doesn't wear glasses. Clark Kent wears glasses and takes them off when he's Superman."

Shit - hadn't thought about that. So I slip my specs off my face, start the zooming noises again, and start running, arms outstretched-

-and being as completely fucking blind as the proverbial bat - slam right into the wall and fall back in a quivering little heap.

Silence...

Bullies? Didn't really bother with me. I was far too fucking weird as a child to be bullied.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 15 May 2009, 11:12, 2 replies)

Bravo!
Although for some reason I was expecting Spiderman despite the title reading SUPERMAN.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 15 May 2009, 11:27, closed)

I told people I was radioactive
Because I misunderstood the superman story a little. It was stopped when someone asked my mum how my chemotherapy was going as they too had misunderstood my super-lie.
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Fri 15 May 2009, 11:41, closed)