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This is a question Bullshit and Bullshitters

We've had questions about lies and liars in the past, but this time we're asking about the sort of fantasist who constantly claims they've got a helicopter in the garden or was "second onto the balcony at the Iranian Embassy siege". Tell us about the cobblers you've been told, or the complete lies you've come out with.

Thanks to dozer for the suggestion

(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:55)
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I used to work with a guy called Craig. Pleasant enough chap, but by shitting christ could he come out with some amount of bullshit.
Now for the back story of Craig. He hade a tough upbringing, his dad died of cancer when Craig was about 10. His mother took to drink at that point and kind of lost her way. Lots of new men in her life after that, many of them for one night at a time. Seemed she didn't bother trying to keep it a secret from anyone, far less Craig. This is all verified by people that knew Craig from an early age. Growing up in the small town that he did, everyone knew everyone else's business.
Anyway, fast forward to 2003ish. As I stated before, he was an amiable fella. We worked together selling electrical goods for a well known chain. So I suppose bullshit was really a neccesity to get you through the day and make targets. Now he didn't just bullshit about mundane things like his sexual conquests and how filthy they were in the sack, although he liked to do that a lot as well... He liked to really push the boundaries of believability too. Like the time he told us he bumped in to Jim Corr off of the Corrs and went out on the lash with him for the night. We were able to prove that the Corrs were in fact touring America at the time and therefore highly unlikely to be out and about in downtown Dundee for the night. Or there was also the time that he didn't come in to work one Saturday and his excuse was that he couldn't because he was with David Coulthard on his yacht in Monaco for the weekend and no he couldn't call in and let the boss know, as David didn't have a phone on the yacht!
Now you might think that he would not be able to hold down a relationship for any length of time, but he was actually married when I first met him and had been for about 4 years, having known her since they were at primary school. She knew he was a terrible bull shitter, but overlooked it the majority of the time. They eventually split up though because Craig's mum took a shine to his father in law. (Again verified by an independent 3rd party) My favourite lie regarding his wife was that he was shagging her so hard up the wrong 'un one night, that he split his cock and had to be taken away in an ambulance because he had lost so much blood. He had a string of good looking girlfriends after that, that were waaaaaay out of his league. But kept them interested in the most part until they found out he was a liar. He even told me that he had set it up with one of them to get me involved in a threesome. Of course I didn't believe a word of it. Fronted up all cocky in front of him and said girlfriend and basically tried to out him as a liar in front of her. Backfired spectacularly because he had actually got her to agree to it. I'm sad to say that I shat it and mumbled some really lame excuse about not having any condoms with me and bolted "in search" of them. I'm sad because although she didn't look much in the face dept (but then again nor do I) She had a fantastic pair of lady glands that defied gravity. The likes of which I am extremely unlikely to get the chance to see ever again.
After that it became a bit of a game to catch him out with his lies, so we basically used to hound him about it every time he came out with something. Didn't put him off in the slightest. Just shrugged his shoulders and agreed with us that it was in fact bullshit. We took to calling him Walter after Walter Mitty. This eventually got shortened to Waldo. He even started using it himself and had his name badge changed at work. Customers would come in and ask for Waldo.
Then things took a bit of a sinister turn. One night Waldo was out at a club with one of his longest standing friends, they were there with their girlfriends. Everyone was well on by this time and the boys took off for a circuit of the place. Waldo comes back about an hour later minus his mate who turns up in the gully at the side of a motorway having fallen off a flyover, barely clinging to life. Spotted by chance, just after first light, by a paramedic in the passenger seat of an ambulance. If he had laid there much longer he would have been dead. He had fractured his skull and was in a coma for about a week. Waldo apparently knew nothing of what had happened although everyone that knew him, knew he was lying about something. The police interviewed him more than once and also said he was lying about something. His mate couldn't remember anything when he came round, including who he was. Took him almost a year before he could remember fairly major events in his life, such as his entire chilhood. Distanced myself from Waldo after that. Last I heard he was worse than before for bullshitting. Probably down to the fact that most of his friends turned their back on him, so had no-one around to keep him grounded.

Sorry for the length,but got in to telling the story.
(, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 3:17, Reply)

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