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This is a question Bullshit and Bullshitters

We've had questions about lies and liars in the past, but this time we're asking about the sort of fantasist who constantly claims they've got a helicopter in the garden or was "second onto the balcony at the Iranian Embassy siege". Tell us about the cobblers you've been told, or the complete lies you've come out with.

Thanks to dozer for the suggestion

(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:55)
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This question is now closed.

This should probably be on the links board...
...but it's so appropriate: The Incredible Bullshitting Man.

I made that myself, you know. Took them four hours in makeup to make me look like Griff Rhys-Jones. Gospel, that is.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 14:02, 1 reply)
am a radar detector!

It's true! And I drive a thousand miles an hour!
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 13:40, Reply)
Whilst at uni...
...in Southampton, my future housemate and hetero life partner Mark lived a few doors down in our halls with a complete romanticist (read:bullshitter) called Jamie.

Jamie had done EVERYTHING. To name but a few:

1. When he found out we played pool down our local, and one of our mates had just joined their pub team, he proceeded to show up the next day with a pool cue that apparently, his dad used back in the 70's when he was a world-class snooker champion. Except for the fact that it was blatantly brand new. And completely unscathed. And a really shit Argos pool cue.

2. Said he played Rugby proffessionaly for South Africa, touring with a team there for a number of years. When I questioned what team, the answer being "Oh you wouldn't know them. They're from the south" :/

3. That he was from South Africa - when in fact he couldn't have been more Chichester. That and the fact that, me and said future housemate had a job that allowed us to look at his personel file - which said he was from Chichester, born and raised!

4. Claiming to be in the TA's - this always resulted in him talking about the manouvres he had on the weekend, despite us having seen him in our local on the Saturday night, when he claimed to be knee deep in enemy territory.

5. - my personal favourite: Apparently, his Mum was a drugs councellor, who was hired on by the King of Saudi Arabia (his words not mine) to get his son off of cocaine. Naturally, Jamie came along for the ride. Whilst he was there, the King said "Hey Jamie, how would you like to drive one of my Ferraris?" "Sure" says he. He proceeds to crash it spectacularly, to which the King says "Don't worry Jamie!", get out his mobile phone, and proceeds to speak directly to Ferrari, who have a brand new exact same spec model delivered in 15 minutes.

I wish I could make up stuff this good!
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 13:27, Reply)
Our van driver!
Our driver, lets call him Billy. (Billy two sheds) has always been there done it but twice as much! Wish id knocked a book together with the shit he has come out with to be honest, heres a few more memorable ones!!!!

On coming back from the works nurse to remove a 2 inch metal splinter from my finger..... "I had one bigger then that once in my eye"

On telling him about the recent snowfall and about how hard it was getting in to work (bear in mind i live quite close to him).... "Round our end the snowflakes where the size of handkerchiefs falling from the sky!"

About me laughing at a article in "the sun" a few year ago about ducks having regional accents...... "We have a blackbird on our roof with a Mossley Accent, I can tell when they are from other areas by there cheaping!"

And finally on after me mentioning about the size of the kebab i had last night..... " I once ordered a nan bread from our local restaurant, it took two of them to fetch it in!"
On there shoulders no doubt!

There is so many more, new ones nearly everyday!
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 12:41, Reply)
The Bushlit!!! - just ask Mr Moses

I visited a friend at University who was notable for his tall tales, to find the pretentious milieu of higher education had only amplified his lust for lying.

Cometh ye holy Shabbat, he departed for his weekly football trials at Bristol Rovers FC, as his massively impressed housemates grovelled and slavered all up his Sindoco shinpads like the asinine cretins these sports fanatics always are. Needless to say, he didn't have trials at the club and most likely spent 4 hours every Sunday hiding amongst shrubbery licking splinters from the naked skeleton of a jettisoned Solero lolly, while a cadre of weekend cottagers mistook this foliaged sarcoid blob as a gaping sexual jungle gym.

That's not bullshit, it's an assumption based on statistics.

Eventually he must have got bored of this particular lie, and concluded the issue with one final bout of signature fibbery. He addressed an envelope to himself, complete with the typical insignia of officialdom... then unravelled it in the kitchen before the dreamy eyes of his housemates - damp with roid residue - gawking in puerile wonderment as though present as Moses unsheathed his magical tablet....

The letter read something like; "Despite your unequivocal footballing wizardry, we regret to inform you that you have been unsuccessful due to failing the medical. How sad we are that your brilliance may go forever unseen by the footballing world..."

This rejection hasn't set him back however, he now works for the CIA inventing code names for their operations battling the ganglion man-lizards of Venus.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 12:25, Reply)
Never believe an unofficial tourguide
On a recent holiday Mr Geobor and I took a trip to visit a colony of giant tortoises. They were on the whole a happy bunch, and one in particular seemed to quite like us and followed us around at what I can only assume to be top speed for such an animal. Before long Mr Unofficial Tour Guide magically appears from the bushes and offers us a bunch of spinach with which to feed our new friend. He spends a few minutes chatting to us about the tortoise colony, tortoise life and how clever they are; generally an alright guy we think. He demonstrates how to feed them without losing your fingers and how to give them a rub on the neck and shoulders which they like very much (as I expect anyone would if they were in their eighties). When asked if the friendly creature was a girl or a boy the Unofficial Tour Guide pops his hand under its rear end to "check the shell" and gropes around for a short while, as this is apparently how you tell them apart. He informs us that she is a lady tortoise before promptly demanding a present in return for his now eaten spinach and then dissapearing back into the bushes.

Turns out that this was utter bullshit as when we turn back down the path to leave the tortoise turns and smiles over its shell, gently raises up on its haunches, lifts up its tail and proudly waves us off with its enormous, bright red, throbbing erection. It didnt take long to realise that we had just paid a man we had just met a dollar to pleasure an 85 year old. *shames*
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)
Pearoasted question.
Pearoasted answer.

Some bloke said he'd deliver a ton of horse manure for my garden for free.
Turns out it was a load of bullshit.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 10:48, Reply)
The universe came from nothing, right, due to this flux, that, er ...
Right - because laws like gravity exist, ok, the universe came from nothing, and, right, er ...

See ... there's this formula, right, which, well - it's quite complicated, but god definitely doesn't exist, ok, and because of this formula, see, nothing isn't actually nothing, and, right, er ...

(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 10:42, 95 replies)
someone has to
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 10:26, 4 replies)
Biggest bullshitters
post in the QotW each week.

You know who you are.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 9:56, 11 replies)
The Incredible Bullshitting Man...And His Crab
About 15 years ago, and I was hard at work, fucking up doing a PHd. Part of this invoved woring nights in a research facility near Warrington. When we knocked off shift at about 11 am, myself and fellow graduate Cheesy Dave would head off to the pub, which we would then chase down with a few spliffs in order to knock ourselves out.
Whilst in the pub in Warringtn, Cheesy Dave and I were just discussing skinning up, when The Incredible Bullshitting Man And His Crab appeared.

'Got any gear lads?'

Cheeky Cunt

'Erm no sorry mate we were just saying how much we wish we had some'

Thus diverted, The Incredible Bullshitting Man And His Crab plonks himself down, and decides to talk at us about all the things that he had achieved with his life. This unlikely list included:

Being Engelbert Humperdinks manager ('Bastard ripped me off')
Owning a gold mine in Australia ('I only bought it for a couple of dollers')
Fighting in the Vietnam War (against the 'Jimmies')
and discovering how UFOs flew ('the engine is a sphere of copper with rotating mercury inside')

Fearing a care in the community case, we made our excuses and left pronto, but not before he reaches into his coat pocket and plops a live crab on the table.

'I was going to eat that, but I think I will give it to my dog now'.
The crab returned to his pocket, and we returned, soewhat rattled, to our digs.

Apologies for length, its swollen with the surgery.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 9:07, 1 reply)
How eyes work
One day in high school, when I fancied myself a budding cognitive scientist, a rather gullible (but very respected) friend said she would like to understand how vision worked.

Thinking it would be absurd enough to make her laugh, I said "It's actually incredibly simple. When your eye is pointing at something, the light reflecting off of it temporarily burns its image onto the surface of the eye, and then the eye rotates back to face your brain, where the brain reads the image again off of the surface. Then the eye rotates back forward to capture the next image. It all happens incredibly fast like a movie reel."

After that I was waiting for a laugh, but she just stared. "That is amazing. I had no idea it was like that." she replied. (My friends and I tend to do a lot of bullshitting and most of us can keep a straight face, so I assumed she was bullshitting me back.)

"The human visual system is an extremely intelligent design," I added.

"Well, if that's true, then why can't we see each other's eyes going backwards all the time?"

"That's the weirdest part. They are all synchronized. Every person's eyes rotate at the same frequency, all in the same phase."

"And... And animals?"

"Yes, indeed. Even animals..."

At this point I was pretty amazed at her deadpan technique, as she became visibly excited. "That means we're all connected! Everyone on the planet, and all the creatures, we are all actually in synch with each other. That is such a powerful message!"

"...Yes. Yes. In synch." My stomach turned as I realized something wasn't right, but it was too late to turn back. It would seems so rude and condescending to explain that this was just a joke- more like a cruel trick from her point of view. So eventually the subject changed and I completely forgot about it.

Apparently she hadrelated the science fact to a mutual friend the next day, and after getting set straight on the deception she didn't talk to me for a week. I still don't know what I should have done or at what point.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 3:22, Reply)
I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
But they don't ever come when I call, the lazy bastards.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 1:29, 2 replies)
nuff said lol

bunch off interlectual ass licker's
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 0:05, 7 replies)
need i say nemore?
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 23:41, 2 replies)
i just won mongy's bingo
even though it hasn't started yet
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 23:41, Reply)

I'm really a neurotransmitter! Honest!
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 23:15, Reply)
last month
... I appeared on Ukrainian TV pretending to be a scientist.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 23:10, Reply)
My name...
really isn't "something funny"...

*jumps on bandwagon after reading numerous posts about user names not being real users names*
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 22:15, Reply)
I knew a guy who claimed to be a journalist.
Lying little shit. It turned out he worked for the Daily Mail.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 21:15, 2 replies)
Time to come clean.
I may be in a bar posting this on my phone.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 20:54, Reply)
I am Spartacus
so there :-p
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 20:46, 2 replies)
I used to work with this guy
We worked in a call centre selling phone contracts for a well known mobile network. He used to spend all day on the phone obviously just chatting to his mates, then just making up a preposterous number of phones that he'd 'sold' that day before wandering off home. It didn't take long for him to get sacked.

Surprisingly, he never mentioned that he was famous:


Nice guy...
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 20:38, 1 reply)
Billo was my older sister's ex boyfriend. coming from a fairly rural area, he always had a distinct whiff of bullshit about him. he was always telling us tall tales about dodging the police on formby by-pass on his motorbike.
two stories stick in my mind, for different reasons.

first story was that, after being spotted doing 80mph by the local plod, he ended up being chased by every police car in the area, which he easily outran and evaded on his motorbike, which was about as good as a 50cc hairdryer.

second story was about his cat. he said that, as a joke, he put his cat in the microwave for a minute to stop it meowing. of course, the cat was just fine.
bit of a tit, tbh.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 18:47, 7 replies)
BT Chargecard - phone hacker's dream
I'd just seen The Matrix at the local Showcase with a friend who fancied himself as a bit of a hacker and we needed to call my dad to pick us up. Being before everyone and his dog had a mobile phone we headed over to the payphones and he started fiddling around for change. I told him not to bother, as I know an engineer's code, and dialled 144957519117272* and the display changed to "free call" and a dialtone played. Of course, it was just being billed to my parents, but how was he to know that?

* - Except something else, obviously.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 18:08, Reply)
I'm a computer geek
Big surprise, huh? Well, when I was 14 we went on a school trip to france and I wondered how far I could push it, so I told my friends I was going to check my email. I sauntered up to a payphone and made modem noises for about 30 seconds, declared they were all spam, then hung up.

I really hope they secretly thought I was a twat, because they otherwise didn't blink at it.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 18:03, 4 replies)
I went to a Psychic Fayre at the weekend.
It wasn't very busy. I got chatting with the palmist/clairvoyant and he said that, yes, sometimes it's quiet and sometimes it's busy, but on any particular week you can never predict what it's going to be like.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:53, 6 replies)
Contrary to popular opinion and belief.
My shit does NOT stink.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:18, Reply)
wanking all afternoon to Bananarama videos on YouTube?
Don't be daft, I've got better things to do.
(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:13, 7 replies)
Now THIS place..
..this is for the pros.

(, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:04, 10 replies)

This question is now closed.

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