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Dreadful pits of hellish torture for both customer and the people who work there. Press 1 to leave an amusing story, press 2 for us to send you a lunchbox full of turds.

(, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:20)
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Hole in One
Although six months of directory enquiries work was generally nightmarish, a couple of calls did cheer me up immensely.

One was a lonely-sounding elderly man who wanted to know what would happen if he dug a hole through the earth with a spoon. We spent ages discussing what sort of spoon would be best and at what point we would hit lava.
'You're a fountain of knowledge, you are' he said. 'You should make this one of your regular services - answering any question people ask of you.'
I felt bad eventually, as the call was costing him a mint, but he seemed cheered up by it.

Another time a polite-sounding young man called up sounding distressed. Unfortunately, one of the company policies was that you had to repeat everything the caller told you to show that you'd heard them right:
ME: 'Welcome to 118118, how may I help you?'
HIM: 'I've got my cock stuck in a doughnut!'
ME: 'So that's a cock stuck in a doughnut. How can I help you with that?'
HIM: 'Well, I don't want it stuck here, do I!'
ME: 'Right, so you'd like help for a cock, stuck in a doughnut - is that right?'
HIM: 'Well I reckon I need a hospital or ambulance or something? Hey, it's turning a funny colour!'
ME: 'Right, well I can only give you one number. Would you like the hospital?'
HIM: 'I dunno, will they be able to help?'
ME: 'I'll tell you what, I'll put you through to NHS direct. You can tell them all about it.'

I wonder what they made of it?
(, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 0:10, 2 replies)

Must have been a Krusty Kreme.
(, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 11:35, closed)
Oddly enough
118118 now do an "ask us anything" line, but only by text. There's a mildly amusing sort of random history of them at www.text118118.com/energyball.aspx
(, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 1:27, closed)

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