British Telecom and a thirty foot tower of flames...
If you're not interested in scene setting, miss the first few paragraphs...

A couple of years ago, I was at the house that Mr Anodyne used to share with his Dad and two brothers. This house had a teeny yard you had to walk across to reach the driveway and leave. The yard was made even smaller by the addition of two thirty-foot tall conifer trees. (This is important).

So, it's summer, the weather's been ace for about two weeks now. Naturally, this means me and Mr Anodyne are slobbing about in the attic watching Neighbours. Then all of a sudden, we hear his younger brother, who was about 15 at the time, shout up. A tiny, quivering voice: "uhm.....guys?". Mr Anodyne thought he mught have got himself in some trouble (as he was wont to do), and so ran downstairs with a cricket bat. I sat at the top of the stairs listening when I heard Mr Anodyne shout "....FUCK! BelladonnaAnodyne, get the FUCK OUTSIDE NOW!"

Downstairs I ran, to be greeted by the sight of both conifers fully ablaze, about 3 foot away from the wooden porch. Ah, fucksocks. So, to get out, I had to run straight past the trees. Very scary.

Whilst awaiting the fire brigade and panicking that all my notes for my impending exams will go up in flames if the house ignites, I am informed that whilst little brother was sat completely innocently on the porch, some blaggard had walked past the house and flicked a cigarette into the dried needles under the trees, thus igniting the trees. (Not him. Honest.) When he shouted for Mr Anodyne, he was in the process of running to the kitchen to get a pan of water. D'oh.

Anyways, fire brigade come, I get told off for videoing them, the house doesn't catch fire, we're all safe, yay.

Now, with the conifer trees being so tall, the heat from them had completely severed next door's phone line. So, I go next door. Mrs Next Door is a lovely Indian lady who doesn't speak much English, and, whilst her husband is at work, looks after a very young grandchild, and a son who has terminal cancer. So, obviously, not someone I really want to bother. Anyways, I explain what's happened and tell her I'll phone BT to get someone to repair it.

PARAGRAPH SKIPPERS, TUNE BACK IN

Ok, so I ring BT up, and have to spend ten minutes JUST to go through "press 1 for....", and so on, and then ANOTHER ten minutes on hold.

I get through to a real human, and the conversation goes something like this:

Me: I want to report a phone line that's been severed due to fire damage *explains about conifers etc*
BT: Ok, and you're the account holder?
Me: No, it's the neighbour's phone line
BT: Ah... You need to get the account holder to ring us. Data Protection you see.
Me: But... THEIR PHONE LINE IS BROKEN.
BT: MMmm, I see your problem. Well, they could use a mobile.
Me: *explains that husband is at work and that no-one else in house can do anything like this*
BT: Mmmmmm....weeeeeeellll, if you can go get the account details, I SUPPOSE you could do it.

So, I goes next door and tries to explain what I need. She gives me a copy of their phone bill. I write his name down, and the account number. I goes back, back through the maze, and the purgatory that is being on hold. This took another 25 minutes. I explain what's happened, that I have the account number, blah blah blah. She then asks me what the phone number is. SHIT.

We go through another 10 minutes of the Data Protection dance, until I finally snap, and shout:

"OK. I am telling you this for the LAST TIME. There is a broken phone line that services *address*. If your engineers turn up, they will be able to see it. It goes from *number* telegraph pole. FIX IT. I have now spent OVER AN HOUR trying to make you people see sense. STOP IT AND SEND AN ENGINEER, OR ELSE I WILL MAKE A HUGE DEAL OF THIS." (I have no idea what I meant by the last part)

BT lady's response?

"Well....yes. I see what you mean, but it really is too late to send engineers round now. They'll have to come tomorrow." *puts phone down*

It was half past bloody two in the afternoon.

Lessons to be learned?

If you are going to sever your neighbour's phone line by igniting a tree below them, make sure you do it first thing, and then make sure you go back in time and ring them even earlier to take the horrendous length of time you will spend on the phone into account, because BT engineers clock off at midday. Twats.

Congratulations if you read all that. Rant over.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 4 Sep 2009, 13:01, Reply)