Brett
Brett is my wife’s nephew and a total cock. Despite the fact that he is nearly 30 I can personally say that my 3 year old son is more mature. The main reason for his attitude is that both bretts parents divorced a while ago and have done nothing but tend to his every financial need due to emotional blackmail of going to the other parent as they would do it (I have personally seen him do this at a relative’s funeral where Brett performed a full on tantrum lying on the floor banging his fists and wailing just because his dad was too busy speaking to the deceased’s widow rather than give him his weekly allowance- I offered to give him a running kick in the bollocks but wifey didn’t want me to cause more of a scene).

Anywhoo a while back Brett passed his test after numerous attempts and was bought a shiny new VW as a present from his dad. The VW he bought was an older model but was soon modified with the latest bodykit, sound system and all the other things that turn it into something that looks like a nuclear powered ice cream van. Many a night Brett would drive around the town centre attempting to attract the local chavettes with his gaudy wheels.

One night on his way into town Brett had picked up a mate and was en route when his pal quotes that the “choonz” were not “banging” enough so aforementioned pal tried to get into the glove compartment where brett stored his collection of happy hardcore CDs. It turned out that Brett had locked the thing the previous night and had forgot to unlock it when he got home (do they still make cars with manual locking glove compartments that require the car keys to open?).

Any normal person would choose to either 1) Tune the radio into something better or 2) pull over, turn the engine off and use the car keys to unlock the glove compartment. Unfortunatley Brett is not a normal person. He realised that they were travelling downhill at a decent speed (around 40 – 50) on a pretty decent gradient and therefore he didn’t need to use the car engine, therefore he turned the car engine off took out the keys and passed them to his mate to unlock the glove compartment and get the CDs. Anyone with half a brain can see what’s going to happen now but for some reason Brett was oblivious to the matter. As the car picked up pace Brett made a manoeuvre around a parked car, the dayglo VW turned but for some reason the steering locked (as it does in most cars when you try to do anything with a steering wheel when there is no key in the ignition). The car then span around it the road, mounted the kerb and took out a couple of parked cars before coming to a stop.

I would love to say that this stopped his idiotic behaviour and he learnt something from the experience but instead he went to his mother in tears and she bought him another car instead while his dad happily paid the increased insurance fees.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 14:33, 6 replies)

Jesus Christ
What an utter cock-end.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 23 Apr 2010, 14:37, closed)

Please tell me this is true.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 14:54, closed)

sad to say it is true
I am so glad we only see him at family functions because I would end up killing him if I saw him more often
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 15:28, closed)

Sounds like it's time for a blanket job
Cast a blanket over his head as he's leaving the house, pummel at will, leave anonymously.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 15:43, closed)

Brett needs cunting right in the fuck
repeatedly
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 17:48, closed)

Fucking hell!
Would his parents like to adopt an older sibling for him? I'm available for a modest fee.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 23 Apr 2010, 18:05, closed)