The curse of the smelliest car in Scottish journalism
Long before I started my own newspaper (seriously), I worked for a scuzzy Glescae tabloid. For the attendant pestering of the bereaved, wannabe famous and sexually liberated I required a car.

It was a Honda Civic-shaped curse. Nice enough car but it cost me a fortune (the clutch went, the car got nicked, the insurance was crippling). But the worst thing was the smell. For six months it stank like Saddam Hussein was hiding in the glove box - in his current condition. I had to keep the windows open come rain or rain (this was Glasgow...) I would drive past sewage works and things would smell better. Nobody else would get in my lonely chariot of pong.

I hunted high and low for the source of my torment. Then six months after a hot, hot summer, I had cause to lift the spare wheel (located in the boot) and there, lodged underneath it, almost invisible, was the source of my four-wheeled isolation: a packet of Sainsbury's button mushrooms. All solid matter had long ago corrupted away and contained within was a tiny black pool that was the distillation of all human hate, despair and rectal turpitude. It dripped on my hand and smelled like cancer had been impregnated by catarrh while going airtight with a ripe Vieux Boulogne suffering from dysentery.

I briefly considered making a gift of it to my editor but instead just chucked it. I would have got angry at it for ruining my life for half a year but as a tabloid hack I secretly suspected that it was my conscience...
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 14:56, 4 replies)

Your eloquence does you credit.
Welcome to clicksville. Population: You
(anvil, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 15:57, closed)

Have a click.
So vile and lovely all at the same time.
( Moey, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 16:51, closed)

It dripped on my hand and smelled like cancer had been impregnated by catarrh while going airtight with a ripe Vieux Boulogne suffering from dysentery
haha! *click*

Frankie Boyle would have been proud of that.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:41, closed)

Clicked
for this very description. I've had farts that smelled like that.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:49, closed)