Quite literally
I live in one of those American states with unusual bylaws (illegal to be dead on a Tuesday etc) and as a result I am actually married to my cat Miss Tabitha.

A few weekends ago, Miss Tabitha had to spend some time at the vet with an aggressively infected anus (this particular vet is married to a gorilla, hence his infected anus)) and so I was left on my own for a few days. I hasten to add that Miss Tabitha was suffering from no sexual ailments. Rather, one of her rear legs had become detached after she'd fallen into the gears of a threshing machine. Unfortunate, but not the first time. It was, in fact, the last of her legs. Miss Tabitha was now a quadriplegic, but no less loving. Just less mobile.

Anyway, I was left alone for the weekend and had to fill the gap left by her absence. Initially, this meant shitting in the garden, climbing the curtains, jumping in and out of a cardboard box, and watching lethargically as mice infested the kitchen. This soon became boring.

I'll admit, I've not always been faithful to Miss Tabitha, especially when she was reduced to two legs. So it was natural enough when the neighbour's cat – Elvira – came prancing along the garden wall like a charcoal-grey slut that I would insouciantly open a can of sardines and waft their scent out of the window.

Well, I can't tell you how her tail quivered as she lapped up that fish. It was barely ten minutes before I had her strapped into the sex swing and we were at it like two porn stars in a bucket of coke, one of her paws on my prostate and another rubbing Nutella. It sounded like the violent death of a violinist in my garage!

Of course, it all ended badly with the premature arrival of Miss Tabitha, who was delivered 'paper-boy style' from the vet – flung over the garden fence in a cardboard tube. She rolled straight into the garage and came to a rest at my feet, her eyes goggling at the spectacle before her: Elvira's fur matted with lube, Nutella and semen, and me with a dong like a well-used scratching post.

Divorce was a foregone conclusion, but I'm happy now with a lovely racoon called Kimberley who'll let me do anything if I feed her cashew nuts.
(EarlOfHernia, Tue 1 Dec 2015, 14:29, 6 replies)

FP this now

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 1 Dec 2015, 15:23, closed)

This is quite, quite wonderful.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 1 Dec 2015, 21:29, closed)

baggenfock aproves

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 1 Dec 2015, 22:33, closed)

aproves

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 1 Dec 2015, 22:48, closed)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Prince of Wakkistan.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 2 Dec 2015, 10:35, closed)

QOTW still coughs up worthy answers?
Who knew?

PS, click
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 2 Dec 2015, 15:10, closed)