Milky milky...
Back in the days when I were a nipper, we lived next door to a farm. Every morning, I'd wake up at the crack of dawn to see from my window the farmer pulling a big barrow of massive metal milk jugs past the house to take to sell, whistling a merry little tune.

Shortly after this, our own milkman would arrive with a couple of pints of skimmed. I hated it, that skimmed stuff. No flavour on my rice crispies. I spose that's what I get for having health freaks for parents.

Anyway, I guess I must have been old enough to realise that not all milk was as flavoursome as fetid snakeskin, and thus I hatched a plan to see what the farmer was whistling about.

A couple of days later, I set my alarm for the middle of the night and snuck out in to the inky blackness. Creeping slowly round to the cow shed in the dark, I snuck in and found a bucket. I tiptoed over to one of the cows and started tweaking its nipples the way I'd seen on Blue Peter - I couldn't believe it actually worked! Squirt after squirt of frothy milky goodness streaked in to my bucket. I had a little taste - it was odd, but lovely and creamy.

I decided I needed a good dose of this in the bucket and I'd hide it somewhere cool to enjoy later, so started creeping out. I can't have got more that a hundred yards when my foot hit something soft, there was a loud scream, I fell over and the bucket went flying. Whatever I'd trodden on had lept up and was running around making the most terrible noise. Then there were more and more squeels, huge creatures sprinting past and round me.

Lights came on the house, eluminating my surroundings. Lots of running and shouting and sounds of guns being loaded. I had a look around myself and saw the strangest thing: I'd walked the wrong way through the pig enclosure, where they were all sleeping in a big hole filled with straw. I've never seen pigs do that before or since.

Luckily the farmer saw the funny side of it, though I did get in to an awful lot of trouble with my parents.

But to this day, I'm sure I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those nesting pigs.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 14:00, Reply)