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This is a question Caught!

MJPerry asks: Masturbating, stealing, making the cat dance... when did someone catch you doing something you wanted to remain secret?

(, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 14:01)
Pages: Popular, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

..just remembered this one.

Working in Macedonia, beautiful country, great people; we decide as we've been in-country for so long to explore the surrounding countries - Serbia, Croatia, Romania, Albania, even Kosovo. Why not? When will the chance ever come round again?

Good times, but being the designated driver took it's toll. Got caught speeding after coming back from Albania by one of the many surprise road-side cop cars. Pulled in and acted suitably deferential with passport in fist (they're armed and don't fuck about).

Apparently the normal charge for speeding is 30 EUR - can't recall the equivalent cost in Denar - with the added kick in the ass of "Yes, we hold your passport until you pay". Shit.

As luck had it, Scotland were invading Macedonia at the time for some football match or another, had got humped (as seems to be the tradition) and so when this was brought up in conversation, was told "Ahhhhh, this is Macedonia, what do you expect". I don't like football, tbh, but any common ground when you might lose your way out of the country seems fair play to me. Handed back my passport - "Commiserations, friend, good luck getting home".

Never sped since, mug's game. Would go definitely go back there though - stunning place.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 23:25, Reply)
For many years there was a picture of me on the living room wall
I was aged 4. I was cute as a button with bobbed brown hair, blue eyes, and chocolate around my face. There was a little blonde boy sat next to me.

The reason for the picture was this:
I was bridesmaid at a wedding, the little blonde boy was a page boy.
We were bored, as you can imagine. We saw a big plate of chocolate fingers.

About ten minutes later our parents realise they haven't seen either of us for a while.

Eventually they found us under a table, obscured from view by the table cloths.

"Have you two been eating chocolate?" came the question.
"No" we both said.

We couldn't understand why all the adults were laughing and taking pictures, including the one that got blown up and stuck on the living room wall.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 23:00, Reply)
and it was an honest surprise at the time.

Stupid drunken night out, we get out of the venue at a ridiculous hour, mid-summer, so in a few hours the sun is going to be coming up. We decide that it'd be a great idea to sit on the roof of our old house and watch the sun come up over the city (Woodlands Terrace, overlooking Glasgow).

So, we park up, scale the building courtesy of the well placed scaffolding, and sit on the flat roof, talking shit and nipping a flask. Then we hear a screech of tires. So, I look over the roof, and see a squad car sitting out front. Not good. I suggest we get down.

As we're heading down the back of the building (same scaffold, same route), the same car comes flying up the lane, engine whining, and screeches to a halt. The occupants get out and tell us to get down.
Fair enough, they'll see this for what it is.


I get hauled off the scaffold forcibly by a bear of a copper, flung in cuffs and carted off to Stewart St. Police Station to face a charge of burglary, am tossed in a cell for a few hours, then let go when they realise all they've got is three pissed yokels with no ill intent. In their defense, the coppers were fair enough, and quite amiable when we eventually got told to fuck off.

Funniest part : departing the scaffold, seeing a copper, him saying "Give me your hand", me replying "no it's fine I can make it down OK", then him insisting, me relenting, then him slapping a big fuck-off hand-cuff on my wrist. Sucked in. Bastard literally dangled me off the ladder.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 22:50, Reply)
Me, aged 4
my hair was getting in my eyes so I went behind the sofa and cut a big handful of hair off really close to my scalp with mum's big fabric-cutting scissors. Thought no-one would notice.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 22:17, 1 reply)
this is bad.. i shouldnt be allowed near children it would seem..
just remebered a couple of other awful memories.. one being when i was a little gothic 16 year old biatch sat round my nans house for a good old catholic family christmas dinner- one where the children sat quietly and ate, and the adults talked ever so politely to each other about shit..

halfway through the dinner, i decided to do that annoying thing of tapping my little cousin (who was about 7 years old, and sat a couple of chairs away) on the shoulder and then pretending it wasnt me when he looked round..

I did this a few times, being the lovely cousin that i am, until he chooses a particularily silent part of the meal to drop his fork and bluntly announce ''NETTE TOUCHED ME''

''WHAT JAMES??!'' my nan says abit too suggestively suddenly for my liking.. ''NETTE TOUCHED ME, SHE KEEPS TOUCHING ME''. yeah as you can imagine i had to seriously break down the chain of events to explain this sudden declaration of sexual abuse. It was awful. i think my family still hate me.

Another fine day, i was left to babysit my boyfriend of the time two little cousins - they were about 9 and 12 years old, AND HONESTLY THE MOST PIKEY LITTLE SHITS you could ever imagine.

I had them locked in the house for about 10 hours and they did every annoying thing you could possibly imagine- messing the lounge,purposely spiling drinks, actually gettin my vibrator out of a draw whilst bombarding through all the rooms, seriously being awful -really testing my patience.

I got so hacked off with the younger one in particular that i made him sit in the kitchen for an hour in silence. after an hour-ish i went back in and gently explained that if he doesnt behave himself i will cook him in the oven like a pig, and that im an evil witch who often dines on naughty children.. anyways, hes crawling around the floor and he grabs my leg in a fake 'begging me not to cook him' manner saying ''dont put me in the oven!!'' giggling like a little pikey ADHD shit..

just as his parents walk in he decides that a more appropriate way of putting this is ''NETTES GOING TO SPIT ROAST ME, MUUUUUM, NETTE SAID SHE WANTS TO SPIT ROAST ME''

''humm yeah.. thats not exactly what i said was it.. tell your mum what i said...I said i was going to put him in the oven not fucking rape him''

(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 22:08, 2 replies)
caught.. as in stuck in..
I got to the tube yesterday morning and could just hear my metro line pulling in to the station.. i ran through the barriers, down the steps and Jumped on the first carriage just as that BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP of the doors closing started... trapping my handbag one side of the door, and with the strap wrapped tightly round my fucking elbow.

WHY WHY WHY ME?? Unfortunately for the rat race of London, I had my Ipod in with rival schools blaring and after the doors shut i just stood their shouting ''FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK'' concentrating more on my bag being on the outside of the moving train, than the volume of my swearing. And you know what they're like, everyone just deadly looked up like ''what a fucking peasant stuck in a door'' one guy did try and claw it open but it was a bit pointless really.

yeah.. YOU THINK THEY OPEN WHEN SOMETHING IS STUCK IN THEM.. well let me tell you first hand they obviously dont when the ting stuck in them is half a cm's worth of leather and not a person.

Make matters worse.. I was due to get off at kings cross and the fucking tube did that shit thing where the doors on the otherside open.. for two more stops than i cared to go.

Caught in a tube door. ITS SO HARD BEING ME, i genuinely think i deserve to win the lottery.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 21:20, 4 replies)
Caught robbing a house aged 6...
Way back when I was around 5 or 6 I used to live in a shitty council house in a shitty part of town. There was a building site on the road, a few run-down factories around the corner ideal for climbing, a reclusive millionaire, and some proper villainous characters who you'd never want your children hanging around - hell for the parents, but paradise if you're a 6 year old boy. In this case there were 3 of us, Rob and Jamie were my two partners in crime.

It's the reclusive millionaire who forms the main part of the story, he was a fat jolly looking white bloke, with a full-on white beard, and a propensity for giving out sweets and pennies. Kids as we were, we were absolutely convinced that he was Father Christmas, who else could he be... Fat, big white beard, massive trucks full of untold goodies, how lucky were we? We lived on the same road as Santa!

Christmas was getting nearer and nearer, and we're getting hungry for presents. Rob suggests we go straight to the source.

"But he'll know it's us..." I lament "he won't give us any presents."
"It don't matter, we'll have all the presents anyway" says Jamie

You can't argue with that sort of logic. So off we go, hop over Rob's garden fence as he lives next door, break into Father Christmas' house and ransack it in search of presents. We can't find any so we eat all his cupcakes and sweets, then leg it.

2 hours later he gets back and calls the police. He thinks someone's found out about his cash and wanted his bank details and stuff. Rob's parents go out, whilst we sit in the living room awaiting our fate. I try to leg it, but Rob and Jamie force me to stay.. the cunts.

Suddenly it happens, Rob's Parents burst in, followed by the cops, and an angry Father Christmas.

Shit... when faced with a situation like this, always attempt a denial.
"Erm.... no...."
"Where did you get those cupcakes you had earlier then?"

Oh shit, we're busted... None of us say a word. They badger us on and on, and none of us break the silence. Did someone put us up to it? Were we playing a game? They keep on at us until suddenly Rob bursts into tears.

"We only wanted the presents.." he sobs.
They all look round confused - what presents?

I have never seen a room of stern adults collapse so completely into fits of laughter. All apart from Father Christmas, he just looked red. Guess he wasn't so jolly after all.

And he never gave us sweets again V_V

Apologies for length, I was only 6...
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 20:45, 1 reply)
I recently got a tattoo in Hebrew, and following a visit to
this site I'm glad I checked the spelling first - fair few titterworthy mistakes there.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 19:58, 5 replies)
It's a bit off topic but....
There was a programme on the telly about mistakes in translation using online translations.
This one guy put in the well known phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' he then translated it into Russian then translated the result back to English and it came back as 'Invisable idiot'

TV is really shit in Abu Dhabi, god i need to get out more!
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 19:47, 1 reply)
wanking by my ex to shemale movie, she was a pain that day had a pain and went to bed with a headache.

SHE SAID I WAS GAY, and became my ex
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 18:59, 15 replies)
watching porn whilst your missus is in the shower...
..Should definately be re-classified as an extreme sport.

An extreme spurt if you will.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 17:40, Reply)
Joy Division are allergic to eggs.

(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 16:08, 2 replies)
I don't understand Ludo.

(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 16:07, 2 replies)
I have a tiny tiny penis.

(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 16:07, Reply)
I met piston_broke once and caught him spending his life being a fucking wanker.
A wanker who lies a lot.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 16:06, 5 replies)
yeah man one time there was rain going on and i was with this girl and her twin
and we were doing the naughty but her roommate was in the chair across the room and we hadn't spotted her and just as i came on my girlfriends face she showed me her flange and i hit her from the other side of the room as im virile and she got pregnant and my girlfriend got face pregnant and grew a tumour
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 15:29, 6 replies)
There is a history of liking fire in my family. Not to the extent of arson, just that a bonfire opportunity is eagerly leaped on, and that there is a certain fascination with fire. My dad is especially prone to this, and I follow in his footsteps in that regard.

So on an autumn day playing at the end of the garden it was my idea to start a fire. I was nine and so was our neighbour who joined in the fun, and my brother was eight. Being bossy by nature I took charge, we all helped collect the leaves and wood, and the neighbour was deputised to get the matches. Since the ground was a bit damp, it fizzled out. So I made my brother get a can of petrol from the garage, and we gathered an even bigger heap of leaves, splashed petrol over it and I elected to start the fire.

We'd planned for all eventualities. A seaside bucket was carefully filled with water in case the fire was too big (one of those tiny small ones for making sandcastles.) When the fire was lit it was awesome. The flames were as high as our waists, and not only burning the wood and leaves we'd provided for it, but also the trails of leaves etc, and the petrol spatter we'd left. None of us questioned this in the least, there was much gleeful dancing around.

Of course we got caught. It would have been a miracle if we didn't (and not a good one considering the fence started smouldering.) I remember my dad and the neighbour's dad both running in slow motion, one of them with a garden hose, and being so thoroughly told off that I cried all night over the unfairness given that I had even got water to put the fire out (and a bit from fright). Especially when he pointed out that we'd left the petrol can near the fire.

So caught and saved from possible death and probable arson.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 14:57, 2 replies)
Stealing food off a baby in public - me?
I took my aged, slightly senile ma-in-law for a pub lunch and we chatted briefly with a nearby couple who had a baby with them.

As Ma-in-law had too big a helping she invited me to finish her chips, which I did.

Next day, she was telling people that I'd stolen the chips off the baby on the next table. I was mortified. Nobody disbelieves her, why would she lie?

Everyone now thinks I'm a dirty rotten greedy bastard. Well, I am, but, y'know.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)
Utter childish moment...
...sitting in a pub with me parents and me sister, enjoying a nice family meal as it was me dad's birthday. I finish my food rather quickly as it tasted great, but was practically a kid's serving, and I'm a bit of a part-time dobber.

Me sister is sitting opposite and eating away rather slowly. She's left a fair chunk of bacon and was working her way through a salad, when a large group of girls walk past us towards a table behind my sister.

"Wasn't one of them in school with you sis?" asks I.

She turns around to look just as I lazily lean over and scoop up half her bacon and ram it in my mouth. Me parents both spotted it and had to look away as the sis turns back around to find her plate suddenly cleared and me with my hand over my mouth pretending to look out the window somewhere. I'm 32 by the way.

She made me buy her afters the bastard :)
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 14:04, Reply)
I regret nothing a tale a ginger on ginger
I was a ginger 18 year old virgin. I got cught losing my virginity to another ginger. Well sort of she had more brown hir in my opinion, but my posh twat of a neighbor in student halls decided to ask me if he could borrow some toilet paper, (btw times i spoke to this guy amounts to less time than i spent sneezing tht year. I igonre it hoping he will go away, i did have Phil Collins on full blast for a reason. So what does he do walks into the door i forgot to lock and says "ah sorry mate just need a shit and need......... oh god man so sorry i'll go". Walks out and vocally calls down all his rah mates and out loud announces, "mate ginger kids copping off with another ginger", which went down to a resounding laughter. So soon my whole bloc of about 300 people knew me as the ginger who fucked another ginger. To this day i still maintain this girl had brown hair, and even is she didn't i still win i think, she was hot ;-)
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 13:54, 4 replies)
Caught stealing biscuits.. many a time
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 13:51, 5 replies)
i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table...
back when i was a baby lawyer and going out with one of the senior associates (yes, he who was not-so-affectionately known as "the bedshitter"), our firm moved offices. we took over from a bigger american firm that had carried out a state of the art fit-out, and the furnishings were amazing. especially the boardroom, which had an enormous, gigantic, round, polished, fancy table with electronic controls for various features of the room that had reputedly cost 75k.

it was also the filthiest thing you have ever seen. seriously, an 80 year old nun could not have looked at it without thinking, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table...". i first saw it on a tour of the office with the other trainees, and we all looked at it, and it was so obvious that everyone was thinking, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table..." that we caught each other's eyes and started giggling.

a few weeks later we had all been drinking in a bar, and it was heading up to being the end of the night. the last few stragglers said goodnight, and i dragged the bedshitter back to the office because i had forgotten something. it was about 2am by this point, and on the way there, i started to think, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table..."

the bedshitter was still whinging about being made to go back to the office, and needed a bit of persuasion. eventually, the lightbulb clicked on above his bald head, and he said excitedly, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table..."

so we got the lift up to the top floor and ran with much eagerness to the boardroom. unfortunately for me, i got there first, and swung the door open. only to see that the 20 stone head of tax had also clearly been wondering what it would be like to screw on that table. he was in his late 50s, corpulent, wheezing, pervy and red. and he was nailing his secretary. also in her late 50s, morbidly obese, bleached blonde and rougher than a ginger badger's arse. it was like seeing a pair of giant hams thrusting into an ancient jelly.

for the longest moment, the four of us just stared at each other. it was obvious why we were there, as various buttons were undone and hair was a bit dishevelled, and his buttocks were still quivering from his latest harpoon shaft. then i choked and we backed out slowly, eyes bleeding, unforgettable images seared onto our retinas. i don't think we had sex for about a week after that, it was a bigger libido-killer than walking in on your grandmother frotting on the cat. needless to say, none of us ever spoke of it. but it was very difficult taking advice from him about CGT and off-shore structuring after that!

and i never did find out what it would be like to screw on that table.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 12:59, 7 replies)
My girlfriend
walked in on me shouting "I'm no bastard, I'm Bruce Lee!" at the microwave yesterday.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 12:55, 2 replies)
I discovered masturbation at a pretty young age, significantly pre-puberty. As you can't really get a lob-on at that age many of the distinguishing characteristics of a good shuffle are absent, all I knew is that applying pressure rhythmically caused a good feeling. The corners of chairs were particularly useful for this.

I was caught a few times, but it was not sufficiently explained to 7-year-old me that it isn't the kind of thing one does in polite company. Until, after a particularly vigorous session that my gran walked in on, my parents took me to the doctor's to make sure I hadn't damaged my cock.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 12:53, Reply)
When I were a lad...
I lived with my Grandma & my dad. One fine day, my big bro told me that my dad kept, what can only be described as a "Big Bag of Porn" in his wardrobe. Intrigued by this, I had a little gander & fuck me, if there wasn't a bloody great big bag of porn! There was some shitty old H&E mags, but there was also a few Escorts, Razzles, Whitehouse's, freebie videos & best of all, some imported Dutch Hard-Core filth!!! Little A3 sized mags with the most graphic penetration shots you could imagine, as you've probably already figured out, these were my very most favourites!

Now, in my bedroom, my window-sill wasn't attatched, it was just a big piece of wood resting on a ledge, perfect for hiding small, A3 sized hardcore porn magazines under! Anyway, this went on for about a year until one day, I came home from school to find that to my horror, my Grandma had tidied my room, & for some reason, chosen to tidy under my window-sill! She wasn't even discreet either, she just left them on my bed & cracked a joke. Don't think I had a wank in about 3 months after that!

Length? Easily an extra inch upon 1st discovery!
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 11:28, 4 replies)
First year in Comprehensive school, and we were made to do Religious Education. Not only was this the most boring subject on the timetable, but we had to walk about a million miles across town to the old Grammar School building, a huge red brick victorian structure, reminiscent of the bastard offspring of a workhouse and a cotton mill. The classrooms inside this place were huge - not in a distance-beween-the-walls huge, but from floor to ceiling must have been 18 feet. (the acoustics in the bogs were fantastic, too, but that's for when QOTW deals with either Karaoke or Fireworks).
Anyway, the R.E class was arranged with all the clever pupils at the front, where Mr Abbot (good name!) could interact with them, while all the unmotivated slackers were at the back, where we couldn't hear him, and he couldn't hear us. Naturally, enterprising 11-year-olds will always find ways to entertain themselves, and I'd discovered that the covers of the R.E. Excercise books, which were made of a bright orange cardboard type stuff would, if chewed for a bit, and launched with a ruler, adhere to the ceiling very well. This went on for a number of weeks, in fact the ceiling above my seat was starting to resemble the constellations of the vast heavens as the kids either side of me caught on to the game and joined in with their own contributions in different colours.
So I came up with my master plan - I would make the biggest ceiling splodge in the world, thus assuring myself fame and notoriety for ever. I collected all the covers off the excercise books I could, and 'acquired' the ultimate launching system - one of the super springy metal rulers from the woodwork room - and set myself to work at the start of a 2 hour double R.E. lesson.
An hour and 45 minutes later I was ready - I had a lump of soggy chewed cardboard the size of a softball. I balanced it on the end of the uber ruler, alerted my mates with a sotto voce "watch this one!" and prepared to launch. As I released the pent up tension in the ruler, Mr Abbot turned round and, in a loud voice, asked me what I was doing. Everything went into super-slow-motion, the whole class turned round to see what he was on about, the ruler returned to its natural straight shape, and the huge, soggy orange mass rose, ever so slowly, into the air. It seemed to take about 5 minutes to reach the ceiling, where it gently embraced the smooth white surface and, defying gravity, slowly spread itself out into a lovely splodge with a dangly bit in the middle, nestled amongst a months' worth of its lesser peers.
The ruler, in the meantime, did what any ruler would do when placed across the edge of a desk and twanged, but, being a *metal* ruler it was a lot louder, and went on for a lot longer, than usual. Combined with the acoustic qualities of the cavernous room, it was *LOUD*. I think that was what saved me, as the noise distracted Mr Abbot from the orange splodge overhead (he hadn't seen it, as he wasn't operating in super-slow-motion like me). Over he came, and confiscated the ruler. And, while he was standing there giving me a bollocking for being a noisy, disuptive little scroat, the dangly bit parted company with the rest of the orange splode and landed on his back. He didn't notice, but everyone else did. For the rest of the day. For Mr Abbot had his own sense of fashion and wore a white jacket. With, now, a big orange stripe down the back.

Length? the splodge was still on the ceiling 2 years later… and I got a detention, and a bollocking from the woodwork teacher for pinching the ruler.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 10:15, 3 replies)
Carjacker caught at 3am this morning...
I was woken by mrs Nimrodihnio shouting at the window 'Oi get away from our car'. Jumping up and opening the window I saw a guy in his early 20's halfway into our car 'what the fuck are you doing?'I shouted'
in a very posh drunk voice 'um...ahh Hugo told me to meet here' all the time swaying unsteadily.
Quickly realising this was no chav twoccer, he proceeded to give this confusing tale about he had been drinking all day and how his rugger chums had left him and told him to meet him at my address. As they weren't there he thought what he could do was borrow a sat nav as he was trying to get home to Northampton, 100 miles away, on a childs microscooter which he had 'borrowed' from someones front garden.
all interspersed with 'God i'm so sorry sir, I raaaly don't want to ruin my life, ja'
Police arrived and saw he was so inebriated, had no idea where he was and as no damage had been done took pity on him and decided to help him to get home.
Very bizarre, especially as I was starkers having this chat with a pissed posh boy out of my bedroom window.
I kept thinking of the old boy from the fast show 'i'm afraid I was very, very drunk'
Partly my fault as I had forgotten to put the central locking on the car earlier, doh!
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 10:02, 4 replies)
my friend told me
that at the age of 3 he went down to the bottom of his garden, and whispered "bum bum poo."

As he put it, "I felt like Al Capone."
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 9:09, 1 reply)
First Parker Pen in space
It was a maths class, that much I remember. Maybe I had finished a test or exam early, it's a bit unclear, but I was bored and had my head on the desk, lying in that side-ways kinda way. My shiny metal Parker ballpoint pen had a very satisfying and strongly spring loaded click.

With my ear on the desk, it sounded very good. After a while of gently clicking the pen against the desk, I realised that the spring-back would pop the pen up and off the desk surface. From mildly jumping off the desk, to my helping it skyward like a shiny spring powered rocket, shooting to the heavens, was a very simple step.

Christ only knows how long I had been doing it (or indeed if I had been making any assisting noises), before I realised the entire class and teacher was looking at with with the slack-jawed disbelief usually reserved for someone who actually shat on the teachers desk.

I usually burn with shame at dumb stuff I've done in the past, but for some reason, this just makes me grin.
(, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 9:07, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

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