Cinema Shennanigans
When I was 17, I used to frequent the local cinema most Wednesday nights when they would show classic films at a cheaper rate than usual. It was a good laugh, and most of the time, my mates and I were the only ones in the screening, so we did as we pleased. One of the girls that served popcorn to us was an absolute stunner; blonde shoulder length hair, slim, a beautiful smile and bright blue eyes; she had been the object of my teenage desire for quite some while. We would talk whilst she served me, usually about the film I was about to go and watch, how her shift was going, what time she finished – mundane chit chat really, but I felt the lust was reciprocated. Her name was Sally, and although she was perfect in nearly every possible way, there was one little ‘flaw’ which I had to put to the back of my mind.

She had one fake eye.

It looked quite realistic, but it was enough to worry me in a way that only teenagers worry about little details. What would my friends say?, Would she take it out to have sex?, Would I be able to have sex with the socket? Did it shoot out when she sneezed?. All of these questions went through my mind every time I chatted to her, and it was the only thing stopping me from declaring how I felt about her.
Eventually, after weeks of putting it off, and after my mates reassured me that if I liked her I should go for it, I decided to ask her out on a date. I fancied her something rotten and felt I had a good chance of her agreeing to dinner, so it was planned that on the next cinema visit, I would ask her out. Wednesday came, and as usual, my 4 friends and I went to the cinema, and I think we were going to watch Rambo, but my memory fails me slightly.

I approached Sally and my heart began to thump against my ribcage. I began to get worried, and the confidence that had filled me as we drove to the cinema, soon turned to doubt. I was shitting myself. What if she said no? What if she laughed in my face in front of my mates? It was too late to turn back now. Sally had spotted me and a smile formed on her delicate face. I was at ease. I still don’t know why I didn’t wait for her to initiate the chit chat, I just jumped straight in.

“Cockporn please, Sally”, I mumbled, and I felt my cheeks getting hot. Sally looked at me strangely.

“Cockporn?”

“Sorry”, I smiled and laughed nervously, “I meant popcorn!”

Sally smiled back and began to fill up a carton of sweet popcorn – my usual. I took a deep breathe and relaxed some more.

“Would you like a coke as well?”, Sally asked, as she handed me the popcorn.

“Oh Wouldn’t I!”, was my response, a little too enthusiastically.

Sally burst into tears. “Not you as well you bastard”, she screamed at me, and everyone turned to look. She walked out from behind her counter, towards the staff room, not before turning back,

“And for your information, it’s a glass eye, not wood”.

It was confused, my mates were crying tears of laughter from behind me. I didn’t get it. It wasn’t until I ran it back through in my head that I’d realised my mistake. She thought I’d called her ‘Wooden Eye’. I didn’t have the guts to go to the cinema again after that.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:43, 5 replies)

I thought the punchline was going to be
that she was keeping an eye out for you.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:45, closed)

Doesn't this end...
"Harelip, harelip!"
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 10 Dec 2009, 13:55, closed)

I was thinking that
As I got to the second paragraph :)
( snee held his breath since, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 14:09, closed)

I noticed you've...
...crossed the "t's" and dotted the...erm,...lower-case "j's" in this post...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 10 Dec 2009, 16:34, closed)

This gag...
... copyright Bob Monkhouse, 1954
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 9:57, closed)