I must have been asking awkward questions at a young age
because my parents decided to buy me one of those 'how the body works' illustrated books, one Christmas, when I was far too young for it to be appropriate - perhaps about 4 or 5.

There was lots of interesting stuff in there, about digestion and white blood cells and lungs and the like, but what is really burned in my memory are the pages about sex.

"When a man and a woman love each other" it began, "they sometimes give each other a very special type of cuddle." There was a drawing of a naked man planking on top of a naked woman. Neither looked very happy.

"They use their special man bits and special lady bits to make each other feel good." (This is honestly word for word.) Underneath this was a picture of a big hairy bush, which I recognised, and a fully erect penis, which I did not recognise.

'What's this Dad?' I toddled over to him, book in hand, pointing excitedly. I knew it was something important. But at the last minute, my Dad's nerve must have failed him.
'That's a nose, son. That's a man's nose'.

For several years after, I found sex to be a very strange and confusing issue, which was confounded on the day I accidentally saw a Red Triangle film on Channel 4 with a gentleman performing cunnelingus. Suffice to say, my imagination was a very strange place when I was young.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 11:19, 19 replies)

Click for 'planking'...

And another one for reminding me about red triangle movies on channel 4.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 24 Jan 2012, 11:30, closed)

This is honestly word for word.
No. It's not.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 24 Jan 2012, 12:07, closed)

Fuckin' found it
www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Book-Non-fiction-Claire-Rayner/dp/0590556088

The cover is even more disturbing than I remembered. Although that asian chick has a nice pussy.

Hehe... it's written by Claire Rayner - she said she'd beat off Chris Morris, and pay for the dry cleaning. Now she's dead apparently. Who knew?
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 12:43, closed)

EPIC NOSTALGIA!
I had this when I was a lad. I'd forgotten about it for a good...yonks now.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 13:27, closed)

There's a link in the "also bought" bit that reads
See Inside Your Body (Usborne Flap Books) by Katie Daynes.

Which made me do a LOL
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 14:44, closed)

I too liked the link - opening flaps to look inside someones body. Tee,heee!

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 25 Jan 2012, 4:19, closed)

I am standing here.
Corrected.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 24 Jan 2012, 22:43, closed)

Haha!
We have this book at home. I've vetoed its use for the kids because the rest of it is just laughable!
When it comes to it I'll just lend him my hard drive. (Yes, that's what I call it.)

Click for dirty books.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 13:50, closed)

'mummy laid an egg' was better.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 13:54, closed)

Lend him your hard drive?
I hope that's not a euphemism for what I think it is.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 14:36, closed)

See below
And I'd have a re-think. The only laughable thing is your attitude to child rearing! How will looking at pornography help him learn ANYTHING about how human's work? I suppose you'll also send him off to his girlfriends with a wink and a "Give her one from me, son".

Good job fella.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 17:09, closed)

Having a crank?
I remember one of our teachers coming into our classroom with a big grin on his face, he obviously had seen or read something very funny. Of course we were all curious to know what the joke was. He explained to us that he had just seen a sex education book that was been passed around the staffroom that the government of the day was recommending for them to use for teaching FIFTEEN year olds ' The birds and the bees' as it were. It went something like this :- "Imagine that your mummy has an engine inside her stomach and daddy has a starting handle". (Facepalm) Of course we all fell about laughing. He said it had the members of staff in hysterics too.
(Mackeson_drinker, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 16:55, closed)

Your dad FAILED big time
We got this for our sprog when she was about five. The only difference being that we answered all her questions honestly, thus giving her a good grounding in what actually happens and why. It also meant that biology/sex education made a lot more sense later on.

If there were more of these around and less 'hard drives', there would be a damned sight fewer teenage pregnancies IMHO.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 17:00, closed)

i am agreeing with someone on QOTW for the second time this week.
this will not stand.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 17:02, closed)

'.......'
I...I don't know what to say!!

Janet agrees with me!

Think I'll go and lie down. I feel a bit giddy!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 24 Jan 2012, 17:11, closed)

I tried to be honest with my children
and tell them about mommy and daddy and their special cuddle. "Do you mean like fucking?" said the youngest.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 25 Jan 2012, 1:22, closed)

Having done the whole "explaining it biologically" at a young age to my daughter.
The difficulty stems from explaining the behavior of some animals - think nature shows where the males fight for the right to fuck a female, shag her for 20 secs whilst she appears to fight them off (and doesn't seem to enjoy the experience - cats dicks eh!?) and then promptly pisses off to eat the biggest share of yesterdays gazelle.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 25 Jan 2012, 4:25, closed)

9 times out of 10
that pretty much sums up the human experience.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 26 Jan 2012, 0:17, closed)

Yeah, he really did
To be fair, at the time he was a 23 year old kid and hardly father of the year material. I refer you to my previous story about my dad: b3ta.com/questions/drunkparents/post1097185

Although really, I think the problem is cultural. We still have real hang-ups about sex in this country, we're far more like America than Europe in this respect, I think. Until adults can discuss sex maturely and frankly, kids don't stand a chance.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Wed 25 Jan 2012, 11:15, closed)