Wasn't sure whether to mention this one.
I do some casual security work, during a major religious figures recent visit to the UK I had the dubious honour of working on one of the entrances to the site. I was specifically dealing with all of the churches and the patrons who had come down by the coachload to witness the proceedings and without exception, each person who came through the door was subjected to a search to confirm that they weren't carrying any restricted items. These are usually things such as cans, bottles, knives, or anything that could be adapted as a weapon or used as a heavy missile to take out the headliner.

Having been their since 2am on what was an annoyingly cold and wet night, I decided to cheer myself up and started to wind up the priests and nuns who aimed any questions at me.

My personal favourite was by far the most common question and response:

Priest: "Why is everyone being searched?"
Me: "Well, due to the high profile nature of the event we need to make sure that no-one brings in any items that are restricted, including cans, glass bottles, knives, handguns, shotguns, crossbows, pipe bombs and especially any chemical or nuclear weapons."

As more and more came to mind, the list grew in length and became more akin to a psycopaths shopping list. With only the odd exception, the visitors took this without any humour at all, despite the huge grin I had on my face while I reeled this off to them.

I only wish I could've plucked up the courage to tell them that we'd be searching the priests on the way out too, to make sure that they didn't have any altar boys hidden under their cassocks.
( Muns, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 12:38, 4 replies)

You should have added rosaries, thuribles and heavy crucifixes to the list.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 6 Sep 2011, 12:43, closed)

I made a point of keeping it accurate, even though it was outlandish just in case one of the bosses overheard me.
Flamethrowers and ninja stars did make it onto the list though.
( Muns, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 13:03, closed)

I did something similar at a school open day
Reading from a spurious 'Hazard card' (a blank bit of paper). If I remember rightly, the consequences of misuse were itching, oozing, weeping, twitching, convulsions, epilepsy and death.

Everybody just looked scared...
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 6 Sep 2011, 14:19, closed)

Now I'm going to have to alter some of the MSDS's at work....

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 6 Sep 2011, 22:32, closed)