Live Sex Breeds Church
The pub in south London that we used for band practice, unexpectedly decided to host a doors-closed strip show in their function room one night. Prior to the event the land lord asked us if we’d like to provide live music for the girls, to which we instantly agreed. Cue lots of wah-wah guitar and sleazy riff improv.

Closer to the date, the land lord informed us that it was probably best if we didn’t bring any instruments after all, as they “might get messed up”. We could still have some free tickets though.
We arrived on the fateful night, and were greeted by the girl’s (I assume) manager distributing jimmy hats around the venue. This seemed odd, if not a bit intimidating, but we stuck it out.

Anywho, by the end of the night we’d been treated to an anal garden sprinkler trick, mimsy/mobile phone ensconcing, lady on lady clam diving, and the sight of my scrawny stripped physique being man-and-arse handled by two blonde eastern European girls during the ‘audience participation finale’.

*Church bit*

The pub has now closed down, and the building is now used a local church congregation hub. Thinking of the sins committed within the four walls, and the lurid cocktail of natural and synthetic liquids that soaked into the floorboards, it’s a tremendous bit of irony that the patronage now consists of god-bothering hand-clappers who couldn’t envisage the sordid history of their little community centre.

I bet they let their kids play on the floor, too.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Wed 7 Sep 2011, 12:37, Reply)