I've accidentally assaulted Simon Amstell, twice.
I live in Edinburgh, and I work just off one of the most touristy streets in the place. If you've ever been to Edinburgh, you'll know that the High Street (or the Royal Mile as it's often called) gets more clogged up with visitors than jizz on a hairy comb. It's all pedestrianised so celebs, shock horror, have to walk everywhere and mix with the proles. Not something they are used to.

Anyway, I'm one of those people who is always late, always dashing to things, and I'm a fairly big chap, ex-rugby player, etc. I think you can see where this is going.

I've had a hard day at work, I'm leaving late, I've got a date on the other side of town, so I'm haring it along the High Street to get to where my bus goes from at the other end. I'm suddenly aware of a small impact, no harder than a pigeon bumping against my elbow, so I look round, and there's Simon Amstell sprawling on the cobbles and he's dropped his little suitcase. It really was a little suitcase, more like a handbag, actually. Anyway, I helped the frizzy little moppet up, apologised - stopped short of dusting him down in case I broke sometihing off, and then went off again on my way. Made me miss my bus, the fucker. I didn't get my hole that night.

Anyway, not much of a story, really, but let me say this. Almost exactly the same thing happened the next festival, a year later. only this time I had just got off the bus and was running along South Bridge to get to a meeting. It can be summarised thusly: Crowded street, great speed, tiny wallop, look round - Amstell again. This time with a cup of Mocha that fortunately hadn't gone over him. This time he looked really fearful although it really was just an accident. Helped him up, blabbety blah. Was late for my meeting, got chewed out.

Anyway, Amstell's not been back to Edinburgh since, I think.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should say that I've actually told this anecdote on here before, but I thought it bore repeating.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:53, 2 replies)

Well I hadn't heard it, and I like it!
I particularly like the repeat performance.

I saw a documentary about Simon Amstell. He came across as a bit of a pretentious dick.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 9:58, closed)

Have you considered
that he may have fancied you, and that swooning at your feet was his chosen pick-up method?
( Yo 'Ho of Charlie mass-market saucetrepreneur, Fri 21 Sep 2012, 10:14, closed)