Alpha male nonsense
Since the QOTW changed I have had a long hard think about things that I don’t understand the attraction to. I really didn’t want to compile a list that included soap operas, nightclubs and being sodomised with a broken bottle, as I’m sure everyone and their dog have covered them in more than enough detail.

The thing that I really don’t understand the attraction of is trying to be the alpha male. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about I mean those men who have to be top-dog in ANY situation, whether you are in a meeting at work or simply down the pub. This usually involves being the loudest person in the room and belittling everyone else and their opinions without actually listening to anything they say.

I have never understood this urge to be the biggest swinging-dick. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some limp-wristed doormat who wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but I’m also a pretty laid back bloke and if someone wants to be the king-of-the-castle when they've got an audience I’m more than happy to let the baby have his bottle. The problem is, when I do blow my own trumpet (fnarr fnarr) it is so out of character it comes across as being obnoxious.

For example, a couple of years ago I was at a good friends wedding. His new brother-in-law was a tool of the highest order. He was a manager for Hertz and he was informing everyone how wonderful he was and what a great promotion he had just received and that his car was a Mercedes 1234 which is so much better than the Mercedes 123 but next year he will upgrade to the Mercedes 12345 and blah blah fucking blah. He had been dropping thinly disguised snide comments in my direction for a while when he piped up with "Of course the worst thing about owning a Merc is that you have to park it next to grotty Fords". He was referring to my 10 year old Mondeo, without thinking I retorted, "It looks nice in the garage of my detached house". It shut him up quicker than a swift kick to the knackers, but the people who heard looked at me like I had just wiped my arse with a fist full of fifty pound notes and then smeared them it in their faces while shouting "I am considerably…richer…than YOU!"

Of course, my lack of alpha-male nonsense may explain why I am an un-married 32 year-old who hasn’t been with a woman for...err...when does virginity grow back?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:21, 14 replies)

Was the whole point of this post
For you to brag about your fancy detached house. You obnoxious arse, you!
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:30, closed)

:D
Sorry. Perhaps I should explain that I live in the back of beyond in deepest darkest somerset, not central hip swinging London.

It's also made out of straw and manure.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:33, closed)

that's better
=P
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:35, closed)

HA! Just kidding
It's made out of gold and childrens tears! IN YOUR FACE!

I am so, so sorry...it's my problem and i'm dealing with it...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:36, closed)

gold and children's tears
lol!
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:40, closed)

...and conversely, I don't understand why this works
There are few things that would turn me off a guy quicker and more permanently than hearing him smarmily boast, that goes double if his chosen approach is by putting down others.

It makes my skin crawl.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:31, closed)

Thank you! It's nice to know there are intelligent young ladies out there
who are not impressed by a loud mouth and a shiny car
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:35, closed)

Also, if I'd heard your reply
I'd just have laughed. Hard.
I wish I could think of retorts that good in the moment, I usually just go with the obvious 'stop being a smug dick' or else wander off elsewhere so I don't have to feel the aforementioned skin-crawliness/rage/astoundment.

Edit: I may also have tried to 'high-five' you. It's my problem and I'm dealing with it...
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:40, closed)

Cheers, I feel less of an arse now.
I usually do just wander away from such oxygen theives, but he had a captive audience at the time.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:43, closed)

Couldn't agree more, mate
I know the sort you mean - I find the best way to approach these tossers is to allude that their alpha maleness is a result of latent homosexual tendancies.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 13:25, closed)

My prefered approach
Smirk when they say anything twatty, and occasionally repeat something with a laugh in your voice, as if to say it is ridiculous to find that impressive.
(teebie jeebie, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 13:48, closed)

Ha! Good idea
But by 'allude'... do you mean scatch "GARY IS A HOMO" into the paintwork of his Merc?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 14:09, closed)

Lie still Colonel...
...so that I can kick sand in your face.

Or not.

Long live the B3ta Males!!!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 15:52, closed)

Ha!
B3ta males! I wish I had thought of that for my post (makes mental note to steal for future anecdotage).
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 9:16, closed)