Apparently, I may be the only one...
...that, as a child, would use the toliet, stand up after pooping, pirouette myself in front of the mirror and watch myself wiping to make sure all was clean. Tis easy - stand parallel to the mirror, facing away. Twist your whole body to the right so you can see the mirror. Hold one cheek with your left hand and wipe with the right. Tall people may have to stoop slightly.

If it was particularly awful offal, I'd get a wet paper towel and mop up before wiping again.

Once adequately wiped, little apathy would look back and spread his cheeks apart with both hands to make sure that the poop deck was well-scrubbed and presentable.

Bathrooms without a mirror were so frustrating. Young-me was forced to just keep wiping and wiping until the paper was whiter than Amy Winehouse's sugar-boogers or my tiny balloon-knot was too sore (yes, you can, and will, get a sore starfish-mouth from over-wiping with poor quality paper). I'd wait for the handicap stall at any movie, concert or outing; I'd lie and tell the inquisitive that I was claustrophobic.

I didn't know this was wrong or unusual until my early teens. A kid I knew was watching me under the partition of a men's room at the mall whilst I shat. He ran out and told my friends; they mocked me and thought this was the stupidest thing they'd ever heard. I thought blindly smearing shit around on your ass while dragging your knuckles through used toilet water was orders of magnitude more retarded. They also thought I much stranger than the little shit who was watching me shit!?

I only changed my wiping methodology because of baby wipes. Whoever invented the travel-size baby wipe packet should get a Nobel Prize.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, my asshole is the second coming.
(apathymilkshake, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 20:20, 3 replies)

is this a QOTW answer
or a personal ad?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 20:32, closed)

I'm ashamed to admit that it's taken me until now to read your name as it is, rather than Apple-lover-age.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:40, closed)

^ what Apeloverage said
But also... What the fuck is wrong with that kid?!
I don't know why it is that so few kids turn round and say something along the lines of "What the hell were you spying on a guy in the shitter for?!"
If you hadn't have been doing something not of the norm, what was he going to go and tell everyone?!
Freakchild.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 21:40, closed)