Let me tell you about Bob...
...he was the master of the non-sequitur. I never figured him out. He had a proper job (as an estate agent) and could dress and feed himself. He seemed normal, but maybe lacked conventional social skills. In the pub, he'd hover next to a group of people in conversation, and at a suitable lull would throw in a question or statement that had nothing whatsoever to do with the current topic. Bob was too big and 'useful' to take the piss out of, but one of the regulars started to collect 'Bob-isms' for posperity.

A few examples:

"Are dolphins really mammals? You never see their tits"
"I wish I had antlers"
"I think I'm addicted to Immodium"
"So where will you be when World War Three kicks off?"

If you showed any sign of being on your own in the pub, he'd come up to you and stand uncomfortably close, eyeball to eyeball, and ask some deep question or offer a few words of wisdom. The one that sticks in my mind was:

Bob: "You know what, Mr Punch? When I get married, I'm going to really love my wife."

Me: "You're getting married? I didn't know you were even dating anyone..."

Bob: "Errr, no, I'm not. But when I do get married, I am going to really love my wife."

Me: "OK then. That's good."
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:18, 2 replies)

I must admit that I have also stated once...
"I wish I had antlers"

c'mon it would be well cool....
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:19, closed)

Hahaha - we used to have a guy in our pub who didn't quite "get" body space. You could watch him chase people slowly 'round the room, as he stepped forward and they moved back.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 13 May 2011, 12:21, closed)